When High Performance Becomes Self-Abandonment
Are you succeeding on paper but falling apart in private?
By Dr. D Ivan Young, MCC, NBC-HWC
Let’s be honest.
You have the title and the paycheck. Your calendar is always full, and your inbox is overflowing with praise, responsibilities, and unread messages. From the outside, it seems like you’ve “made it.” However, behind the polished LinkedIn posts and impressive milestones, something still feels off. Think about it.
You’re always tired.
But not just physically.
Emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally. You’re burned out.
This is the time when High Performance becomes Self-Abandonment.
If you lie awake at 2 a.m. wondering how the person everyone depends on feels so taxed, stessed out and alone… this is for you. By the way, the person I’m talking about is you,
The Unspoken Crisis Among High Performers
A quiet epidemic unfolds in leadership circles. And no, it’s not just burnout—though that’s part of it. It’s self-abandonment.
Self-abandonment happens when you prioritize being competent, admired, and successful over being honest with yourself. It looks like showing up strong for everyone but yourself. It sounds like:
- “I can’t let anyone down.”
- “I’ll rest after this project.”
- “They need me more than I need a break.”
Sound familiar?
Whether you’re a licensed health care or legal professional, entrepreneur, a C-suite executive, or professional coach, the pattern often begins with good intentions. But over time, performing at a high level becomes the only identity you recognize. Somewhere along the way, your needs—your truth—get left behind.
From Overachieving to Overextending
Picture this: you serve as the medical director of a large clinic. You work 60+ hours a week, mentor three junior providers, navigate tight regulations, and manage a high volume patients while working an extra job on the side.
Meanwhile, at home, you deal with a strained marriage. Your partner resents how absent you’ve become. Finances feel tighter despite your salary. Your child acts out at school—and you can’t remember the last time you had a real conversation that wasn’t about your lack of presence or some “problem.”
So you push harder on all fronts.
You smile wider.
You show up.
And in doing so… the more you disappear from yourself.
While this example plays out in countless households, it often remains unspoken. After all, what who wants to admit they feel unseen and like a failure in their own life?
High Performance or Hidden Pain?
Here’s the truth: not all high performance is healthy.
Sometimes, it’s a trauma response. A coping mechanism. An attempt to earn worth in a world that only seems to reward results.
Dr. Gabor Maté, a world-renowned expert on trauma and healing, puts it this way:
“The more people are lauded for being strong and dependable, the less they’re allowed to be human.”
(The Myth of Normal, Maté, 2022)
Therefore, it’s critical to ask not just how you perform, but why. This goes beyond mental health—it reaches into leadership integrity. Because what good is your influence if it comes at the expense of your wholeness?
Why Leaders Abandon Themselves
So why do high achievers neglect themselves?
- Survival Programming – Many leaders grow up believing achievement equals love or safety.
- Fear of Vulnerability – If you break, who picks up the pieces?
- Imposter Syndrome – Even the most qualified professionals quietly question their worth.
- Cultural Expectations – In healthcare, leadership, and coaching, “helping others” often means neglecting self.
This self-neglect shows up in subtle ways. Initially, it looks like skipping lunch to finish a project. Eventually, it becomes a lifestyle where your humanity remains perpetually deferred. Still, here’s what often gets missed:
Congruence matters more than competence.
When who you are aligns with how you lead, the game changes. And when leadership flows from authenticity rather than performance, it builds trust, loyalty, and resilience—in you and in others.
A New Model of Leadership: Emotional Congruence
Emotional congruence means leading from your truth—not your title.
It’s not weakness—it’s wisdom. Leaders who lead with congruence say:
- “I’m overwhelmed.”
- “I need help.”
- “I matter too.”
According to a recent Harvard Business Review article:
“Self-aware leaders foster trust—and trust fosters performance.”
(Harvard Business Review, “Why Leaders Should Be Open About Their Flaws,” Jan 2023)
In fact, emotionally intelligent leaders see a measurable uptick in team morale, engagement, and innovation.
They don’t just manage teams—they inspire them. Moreover, vulnerability isn’t just about being honest when things get hard. It also creates space for others to do the same. When you model congruence, others feel permission to stop performing and start connecting.
The Neuroscience of Self-Abandonment
Chronic stress and self-neglect don’t just affect your mood—they rewire your brain.
According to the Journal of General Internal Medicine, prolonged exposure to high stress leads to cognitive impairments in memory, emotional regulation, and executive function.
Burnout becomes more than a buzzword—it becomes a neurological reality. (PMC Journal)
What’s more, a Psychology Today report emphasizes that leaders under chronic strain become more prone to emotional dysregulation, impulsive decision-making, and lowered resilience. Over time, this erodes not just personal health but also leadership credibility.
(Source: Psychology Today, “How Chronic Stress Changes the Brain,” 2023)
Prioritizing yourself isn’t a luxury anymore; it’s a necessity. Your cognitive function, your connections with others, and your leadership presence are all built upon this foundation. Through my coaching practice, I’ve had a close-up view of the painful impact of self-abandonment. Conversely, I’ve been privileged to witness the incredible power of self-compassion to heal and reshape lives from the inside out.
How to Reclaim Yourself (Without Burning It All Down)
This isn’t about quitting your role or walking away from your calling. Instead, it’s about learning to lead without losing yourself.
1. Notice Your Patterns
Start with awareness. Ask: What do I believe I must sacrifice to be successful? If the answer is your peace, your health, or your relationships—start there.
2. Name Your Needs
Get clear about what’s missing. Do you need time, connection, rest, respect? Naming it gives you power.
3. Rebuild Boundaries
Boundaries don’t form barriers. They build bridges to a healthier version of you. Whether it’s limiting after-hours emails or blocking time for therapy, boundaries restore your agency.
4. Ask for Help
Whether it’s a coach, therapist, spiritual advisor, or trusted peer—you no longer need to carry the world alone. Support becomes strength.
5. Redefine Success
True success sustains you. It brings joy. It aligns with your values—not just your resume.
It may also mean learning how to say, “Enough.” Enough striving. Enough hiding. Enough sacrificing yourself for the sake of appearances.
Final Thoughts: Lead From Wholeness
After facing cancer and staggering financial loss, while still caught in the habit of putting others first, I finally grasped a vital lesson. Embracing vulnerability doesn’t diminish you; it reconnects you with your deepest, truest self.
Recognize the incredible strength already within you. You’re much stronger than you think. You didn’t come this far to live disconnected.
Life is more than producing and pleasing – yes you have the capacity to lead. Yet, powerful leadership flows from self-connection. Instead fo keeping your chin up, dhoose to lead from purpose, moving beyond mere metrics. For it is only when high performance aligns with your core humanity and your core values that true, meaningful impact unfolds. And don’t forget, it’s okay to seek help. Nothing great can be accomplished without it.
Dr. D. Ivan Young, MCC, is an internationally recognized ICF Master Certified Coach and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. He is also a Professional Fellow at the Institute of Coaching, an affiliate of Harvard Medical School. Dr. Young is a three-time TEDx speaker, a bestselling author, and an expert in behavioral neuroscience. With over two decades of experience, he specializes in transformational leadership, emotional intelligence, and optimizing relationships for high-achieving individuals and elite organizations.