by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

There’s no foolproof hack for how to find your life partner.

Healthy relationships are the result of consistent effort and adapting to changes in your life and theirs. You might assume that if you find whoever’s meant to be your life partner, it’ll be smooth sailing and your relationship will hardly ever feel like work.

While movies and social media might tell you otherwise, this isn’t how real life works. Anything of value requires effort and maintenance.

So if you’ve had a hard time finding love, or had it but thought it “wasn’t meant to be” for some reason or another, keep reading. Finding your life partner might not look like immediately knowing someone is “the perfect fit” for you.

It probably won’t look anything like what you see on the Lifetime network or in a Disney film.

Why?

Think of the word relationship. It sounds like “relay” which is a repetitive action. As a verb, it means to receive and pass on. Then there’s the “ship” part. A ship is a vessel that usually carries some sort of valuable content from one place to another.

Think of your relationship as precious cargo that consistently requires adjusting to move it safely from one stage of your life to the next.

It might sound cheesy, but the one thing most people miss when they’re trying to find a life partner is their role in maintaining the relationship.

As a behavior and relationship expert, I know from working with hundreds of my clients that when you’re struggling to find “the one”, you might be focusing on all the wrong things. If there’s one thing you should focus on that will help you get clear on what you want and how to get it, it’s intention.

Intention Can Help You Find Your Life Partner

When I say intention, I don’t mean you just have to wake up every day and repeat a mantra like “I will find my life partner”. Faith without work is dead.

The other mistake is adhering too closely to your laundry list of everything you seek in a partner. Not that having a list of your preferred life partner qualities is a bad idea.

But when your partners don’t meet these requirements, it can lead to dissatisfaction and even contempt. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards. I’m saying that your life partner requirements should go beyond how attractive they are and what kind of movies they like.

This is where intention comes in.

If you’re currently single or in the early stages of a relationship, it’s important to prioritize your goals and purpose in life. By focusing on yourself first, you can determine whether you want a partner right now and how they may fit into your plans.

If your potential partner doesn’t have the same goals or core values in life or isn’t willing to support yours, your life satisfaction will be negatively impacted.

A study on the life satisfaction of entrepreneurs and employees showed that life partners had an overall positive effect on life satisfaction, likely due to the emotional and financial support they provide¹. The positive effect of their presence outweighed the detrimental effects of relationship conflict.

It’s important to remember that relationships are meant to compliment your life, not complete it.

If you’re just dating to date, don’t worry about this as much. You can appreciate meaningful moments with someone who doesn’t share your goals and values.

But if you’re dating to find your life partner, there are several ways to make sure you’re being intentional.

How to Practice Intention in Your Relationships

If you’ve been in several relationships and you feel like your search for life partner “signs” is coming up empty, I have some advice for you.

Ask yourself: “What is my main motivator for dating?”

If you’re searching for your life partner, but you’re chasing people you’re only physically attracted to, take the time to get to know them on a friendship level first.

They’re not your life partner if physical attraction is the only thing that stands out to you during that time. On the other hand, if you find that you both have similar values and life goals, there’s potential for something greater there.

Observe how you handle stressful and good times together.

If you want a relationship that lasts through thick and thin, your interactions with your life partner during times of stress and normal times should make you feel confident.

Don’t expect perfection, because even you don’t always handle things well.

But if you and your potential life partner support and respect each other, no matter what you’re going through, it’s a pretty clear sign that the relationship has potential.

This last step is a clear indicator of a sustainable relationship: determining if their life goals align with yours.

Figure Out If You Have Similar Ideas of What Your Life Will Look Like

If they want four kids and you want zero, don’t expect your partner to change their mind. Similarly, don’t compromise if it’s something that’s important to you.

Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because months or years have passed the other person is going to change their mind concerning what they want or what they’re willing to commit to.

It’s important to create a list of non-negotiables so you have a clear understanding of your core values and aspirations.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind in the future. But your life partner shouldn’t be someone you have to drastically change to fit your expectations.

If they do change to fit your mold, it may be a warning sign.

Be cautious of people who are willing to shape-shift to get what they want. There’s a strong chance they’ll revert to their old ways once they have you where they want you.

Speaking of expectations, there’s someone else you should be thinking about when looking for your life partner.

Are You Living up to Your Own Expectations for a Life Partner?

Another aspect of your relationships you must consider is how you show up.

Are you life partner material? Are you willing to provide as much as you expect the other person to provide? If you expect them to sacrifice their independence for the sake of love, are you willing to do the same?

The selection process for a life partner has become more involved with the rise of social media, online dating, and sexual awareness². While making a list of what you want in a partner can be beneficial, there’s also a point where it becomes too involved.

If your list is long, you’re likely closing yourself off to something you might like.

It’s important to have standards. But if you notice you’re disappointed in every relationship when they don’t tick off all the boxes, your standards might be unreasonable³.

Relationships are give and take. It’ll never be completely equal, but you should hold yourself to the same standards you’re expecting in a life partner.

If your requirements for a life partner include:

Loyalty.
Honesty.
Compassion.
Independence.

You better be ready to provide these things for them as well.

Take Your Time

All the best things in my life have been a result of consistent effort and intention.

When I made the decision to become a coach, I set out with the intention of becoming the best.

I didn’t get into the top 1% of coaches around the world without setting a goal and hitting one milestone at a time.

The search for your life partner is no different than any other goal.

You have to know what your intention is and figure out how to get there. So if you enter a relationship and you don’t feel like it’s supporting your goals and needs, they might not be your life partner. Or you have some more work to do yourself.

You might just need to figure out what you can and can’t live without in a relationship.

Your life partner isn’t going to drop out of the sky. You might not know they’re right for you at first. But if you know what you want and you keep that in mind while you’re dating, you’ll find the right person for you.

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Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.