Tag: Relationship Advice

When to Choose Your Career Over Love

When to Choose Your Career Over Love

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

If you’re a doctor, lawyer, or other licensed professional, there are times when you need to choose your career over love. 

I’m not saying you can’t have both. But when it comes to a life partner or even someone you’re casually dating, you must choose carefully. 

You’ve spent much time, money, and resources on obtaining your license or certification. Whether you had to pass state boards or the Bar Exam, you’ve come too far to risk all that you’ve earned. 

As an established professional, you must take dating seriously. 

As a highly qualified ICF Master Certified Coach, I’ve worked with many accomplished professionals over the years. They’ve achieved remarkable success in their professional lives, but many of them have found it challenging to navigate their love life. 

When you’re a well-established professional with abundant resources, finding a suitable partner can be an intricate task. Most professionals don’t have the time to devote to actively pursuing a relationship. But, like everyone else, they have a deep desire for a meaningful connection with a compatible partner.

When you don’t take care in choosing your partner, you end up having to choose your career over love.  Or you settle for Mr. or Ms. Right Now in lieu of Mr. or Ms. Perfect Fit. And that’s if you’re lucky. Whoever you date, live with, or even marry can either end up supporting or sabotaging your career. 

So when does choosing a career over love make sense? 

Should Age Play a Role in Your Decision to Choose Career over Love?

It’s never too late to pursue your dream or find someone to share your life with. Of course, age imposes some limitations. It can make it more difficult to have children or pursue certain time-sensitive goals. 

Therefore, you must plan. Figure out your ideal timeline and allow for some challenges. 

Even if you want to find a life partner within a certain season of your life, you shouldn’t spend all your time and energy looking. Real love will find you when you focus on:

  • Figuring out what you value most. 
  • What you want out of life. 
  • How you can be a better individual and partner. 

Perhaps what you want from life at this moment is a successful career and a reputable brand. 

In this case, temporarily putting your career over love might be what you need to do. But that doesn’t mean you have to close yourself off to meaningful companionship. It just means you should be intentional and have high standards for yourself and your current or future partner. 

Therefore, your age shouldn’t be the sole determinant of choosing your professional life over your personal life. The “when” matters less than the “why” and “how” in most cases.

Pros and Cons of Choosing Your Career over Love

Choosing to prioritize your professional ambitions over your romantic relationships can have a positive impact on your personal growth and long-term objectives. 

It’s worth noting that obtaining a professional license or certification requires an immense amount of time, effort, and dedication. You can pursue such goals after starting a family, but it can be much more difficult. It’s important to be realistic and understand that the demands of a partner, children, and even pets can take up a lot of your time and attention. This makes it harder to focus on your career aspirations. 

It can help to find someone whose goals are compatible with yours. It’s sometimes difficult for dual-career couples to keep up with professional and personal demands². But you have an advantage if you and your partner are both successful already. You can figure out your normal from the beginning. You may avoid some of the major conflicts that result from career and lifestyle changes. 

Choosing your career over love can also give you time to figure out who you truly want to be and how to get there. 

When pursuing your professional goals, you’ll likely:

  • Learn more about yourself and grow as a person¹. 
  • Hone in on what you love to do so you can follow your passion.
  • Find it easier to pursue your personal goals once you’ve set yourself up in your career.
  • Find that your new prowess can shift your perspective and your priorities.

Choosing a career over love early on in your professional life isn’t for everyone. 

If you go this route, you might lack the support that a healthy romantic relationship can provide. But again, this might not be your situation. You may have enough support from your other relationships and are whole within yourself. Not everyone is under the delusion that they need someone to complete them. If that’s you, you’re already miles ahead of most people mentally and emotionally. 

There’s nothing wrong with preferring to work on yourself and your goals before you get involved with someone else. 

Conversely, you might find that prioritizing your career has had a detrimental effect on your happiness and well-being. Whatever the case, make sure you check in with yourself and revisit your goals and needs on a consistent basis. 

Pros and Cons of Having a Partner Before You Get Established

If you’re a licensed professional who’s already in a committed relationship, there are several advantages to this.

You can benefit from:

  • Having more financial security because your partner is successful on their own.
  • Already sharing the same life goals and having each other’s backs. 

But there are potential cons. You have to assess your relationship. If you’re in a dysfunctional, codependent relationship, it can be far more difficult to let go. But if your relationship is not serving you and your goals, you must. The sooner you get up the courage to release yourself from the dysfunction and turmoil, the better. 

If You Already Have a Partner or If You’re Looking For One…

Be intentional.

Choosing your career over love is the right decision if you notice consistent warning signs. Don’t brush it off if your partner or potential partner:

1. Has psychological, emotional, or behavioral issues.

It’s not up to you to fix them, because you can’t. You’ve put in the work on yourself, and they need to do the same. If they aren’t willing to, no matter how long you’ve been together, they likely aren’t the right person for you. 

It’s easy to stay in a dysfunctional relationship once it’s become familiar. But, the longer you put off leaving, the worse it gets. This is especially true when children are involved. You’re teaching your kid(s) mediocrity and dysfunctional codependency.

2. Is reckless with what they post on social media or how they behave in social situations. 

As a professional, your reputation is everything. Whether you’re a doctor, lawyer, or public figure, it’s essential to have control over your emotions and behavior. Failure to do so can have disastrous consequences.

That’s why it’s crucial to surround yourself with people who have a similar level of emotional intelligence. Pay attention to your partner’s social media and public behavior. Remember, their actions reflect back on you and your brand. If you’re a public figure, it’s even more critical to be mindful of who you associate with.

If your significant other is associated with extreme political or social groups that go against your core values or is practicing immoral behavior like cheating on you, is it really worth risking your career and everything you’ve worked for? The answer is a resounding no. 

Protect your sanity, your reputation, and your future by being selective about who you allow into your inner circle.

3. Shows you they don’t care about the potential consequences of their words and actions.

If your significant other tells you anything like, “I’m doing me”, “mind your business”, or “you knew this was who I was when you met me”, it’s not a good sign. Odds are, they’re not a supportive, productive partner. 

If you value what you’ve built, choosing your career over love is the right choice in this situation.

4. Associates with the wrong crowd. 

While your significant other might not be the direct problem, the people they hang out with might be dangerous for your reputation. 

Early on in my coaching career, I had a few clients who were professional athletes. One night, we were headed to a party, and a guy who was in the car with us asked to make a stop. We stopped in a rough neighborhood where there was activity that could have tainted all our careers. 

My client, who’s now a retired NFL player, insisted that we leave to protect all of us. He had the awareness to leave a situation that wasn’t right for him, his public image, and his career. 

You don’t have to be an NFL superstar to use discretion. Setting boundaries and refusing to associate with harmful people or activities doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone else. It just means you’re thinking about your long-term interests. If you don’t, who will?

You can’t control others, but you can control who you allow into your life. 

It’s foolish to spend time perfecting your gifts and talents only to lose them because of someone else’s stupid decisions.

Advice from an ICF Master Certified Coach

Ultimately, choosing your career over love forever isn’t what I’m advocating for. I encourage you to choose professional success AND love. Don’t sacrifice all that you’ve built for someone who’s not worth it, but make sure you don’t sacrifice those who are worth it for your career. 

As I wrote in my book, Break Up, Don’t Break Down, it’s a problem when you look forward to leaving home more than coming home. 

So make sure whoever you let into your life has your back and cares about your goals. 

After all the work you’ve put into making your dreams come true, you can’t afford not to. 

If you find this article helpful, sign up for my email list to be notified when I release resources for licensed professionals, entrepreneurs, high-net-worth individuals, and public figures. 

http://subscribepage.io/drdivanyoung 

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.   

  1. https://www.scirp.org/journal/paperinformation?paperid=120363 
  2. https://researchportal.bath.ac.uk/files/198546512/Petriglieri_Obodaru_ASQ_accepted.pdf  
How to Have a Healthy Romantic Relationship – Even with a Difficult Past

How to Have a Healthy Romantic Relationship – Even with a Difficult Past

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

What does a healthy romantic relationship look like?

The work required to form and maintain a healthy romantic relationship is not as easy – or quick –- as movies and TV shows make it seem.

Have you tried putting two random things together? You’re two people, with different experiences, beliefs, backgrounds, and personalities. You can’t expect cohesion right away. 

It’s crucial to establish a solid foundation if you want a healthy, lasting relationship. 

A healthy romantic relationship revolves around mutual respect, tolerance, and acceptance. You must commit to improving yourself. Then you can learn to work through challenges together. 

Why Should You Take My Advice?

Over the last two decades, I’ve coached many couples in navigating their individual and collective issues. 

There’s one constant I’ve noticed. Those who find success in love are the ones who are willing to humble themselves and put their egos aside. They invest their time and resources into the relationship.

Mature love is a difficult choice that must be made repeatedly, moment by moment, day in and day out.

As a Master Certified Coach and relationship expert, I’ve seen relationships built on infatuation and physical attraction fall apart as quickly as they begin. Physical attraction is essential for relationship health. But much more is required to form a healthy romantic relationship that lasts. 

The definition of a healthy romantic relationship might vary slightly. But there are characteristics and skills that can help you measure your relationship competence. 

But first, why are healthy romantic relationships, and relationships in general, so important?

The Importance of Healthy Relationships

It’s a fact that social relationships impact our physical and mental well-being.

Healthy social ties have been linked to more positive health behaviors. They also contribute to improved psychological well-being and better physical health¹. A lot of factors influence health and well-being, but relationships are particularly essential. 

Healthy romantic relationship functioning has been linked to:

  • Healthier decision-making for both men and women².
  • Greater relationship satisfaction and a higher sense of security. 
  • Emotional/mental well-being – including reduced depression and anxiety symptoms.
  • Good physical health and longevity³. 

If you’re married or in a long-term committed partnership, relationship problems can undermine your health. 

Poor relationship health can manifest in many different ways.  

  • Stress that leads to physiological responses that grind down your body’s systems. Examples are high blood pressure and increased heart rate. 
  • Attempts to reduce stress through unhealthy coping habits, like drinking or smoking.
  • Depression or anxiety from consistent conflict in the relationship.

The key is to form healthy romantic relationships and friendships. You shouldn’t avoid relationships completely. 

So what’s the definition of a healthy romantic relationship?

Skills for a Healthy Romantic Relationship

You probably have an idea of what a healthy romantic relationship includes. 

There are certain characteristics that stand out such as:

  • Trust.
  • Communication. 
  • Support and respect. 

A healthy romantic relationship can slightly differ from one couple to the next. However, these skills and traits are undeniably important for a healthy, happy relationship. 

Let’s break these down. 

Trust in a Healthy Romantic Relationship

You get to decide what your boundaries are, individually and collectively. This is why trust might look different for everyone.

Building a solid foundation with trust requires discussing your needs, values, and expectations. 

Trust is often developed over time. It can be difficult to trust someone, especially if you’ve had damaging experiences.

It’s well-known that unhealthy relationships throughout childhood and adolescence, especially with primary caregivers, can impact one’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships⁴. 

But it’s something you can work on if this is the case for you. 

Some ways to develop trust in your relationship include:

  • Doing what you say you’ll do. 
  • Being there for each other, especially during challenging times. 
  • Resolving any trust and attachment issues by getting help from a qualified professional. 
  • Keeping the lines of communication open.
  • Maintaining your commitments regardless of your feelings at a given moment in time.

Respectful communication is one of the most essential requirements for a healthy relationship. 

Stable Communication 

Communication in a healthy romantic relationship will differ depending on your communication styles. 

However, there are the usual signs that communication between you and your partner is healthy. 

Effective communication usually involves:

  • Listening to what the other person is saying and trying to understand. 
  • Avoiding derogatory or harmful language or gestures.
  • Trying to work toward the best solution for both parties, instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong. 
  • Expressing forgiveness and not holding grudges. 
  • Practicing empathy and compassion toward your partner, during and after a disagreement.
  • Acknowledging your role in the disagreement. 

And when you can’t agree, make it your mission to respect and honor your partner’s perspective.

If verbal or physical abuse are involved, you should seek help. These are not characteristics of a healthy relationship.

Respectful communication is one way of supporting your partner and strengthening your relationship.

Support and Respect in a Healthy Romantic Relationship

Trust and communication are two building blocks of support and mutual respect.

You’re setting your relationship up for success if: 

  • You’re willing to listen to each other. 
  • You show empathy even when you disagree.
  • You show up for each other.

You can show up in your relationship in many different ways to support and respect your partner. 

Maybe you take on extra chores when your partner is going through a difficult time. 

Or you check in with each other weekly about your goals, needs, and what you want to improve. 

It can look like being intentional about spending quality time together every day. 

Maintaining a healthy romantic relationship is hard work. It’s crucial to be honest with each other and work together if you want it to last. And you have to be clear on what you want before you expect someone else to give it to you. 

Setting Healthy Romantic Relationship Expectations

What happens when your checked boxes result in empty containers?

If your laundry list of expectations is superficial, this is likely to happen.

So if one of your goals is to establish a healthy romantic relationship, there are a few things you should get clear on beforehand.

  • Values and beliefs. 
  • Personal and professional aspirations. 
  • Your ideal lifestyle. 
  • Financial expectations and contributions to the relationship.

While these can change over time, they’re essential to keep in mind as you search for a life partner. Knowing your non-negotiables and goals can save you a lot of time, energy, and pain.  

How I Can Help You Solidify Your Relationships as an ICF Master Certified Coach

As I work with clients in my practice, we explore five key areas to ensure you’re prepared to be a productive partner. 

  1. Personality type.
  2. Family history.
  3. Core and cultural values.
  4. Validation systems.
  5. Psychological triggers.

But this is only the beginning. 

I usually discuss these details with my clients within the first 90 to 120 days of working together.

There are two reasons for this. 

  1. How can you address something you aren’t aware of?
  2. When we address these details, I can make sure my opinions and preferences don’t lead the way. 

Not addressing these things would be like going to the gym and only working on the parts of your body that you like. You must perfect things that you do well, but you also have to identify what needs your attention. 

So if you’re struggling to form healthy relationships, book a call with me. Also reach out if you’re in a relationship and you need help strengthening your connection.

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

There’s no amount of dinners or romantic getaways that can solve your problems for you. 

If you and your partner commit to the work, you have the potential for a healthy romantic relationship that withstands life’s many challenges. 

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.   

  1. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/epdf/10.1177/0022146510383501?src=getftr 
  1. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Shaina-Kumar/publication/313406102_Romantic_competence_healthy_relationship_functioning_and_well-being_in_emerging_adults_Romantic_competence/links/5c1bb500299bf12be38d2209/Romantic-competence-healthy-relationship-functioning-and-well-being-in-emerging-adults-Romantic-competence.pdf 
  1. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Kurt-Hahlweg/publication/46123953_Assisting_couples_to_develop_healthy_relationships_Effects_of_couples_relationship_education_on_cortisol/links/6050aa58299bf1736748ea2b/Assisting-couples-to-develop-healthy-relationships-Effects-of-couples-relationship-education-on-cortisol.pdf 
  1. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S014521342100301X 
Heal Your Soul: How to Rediscover Yourself after a Breakup

Heal Your Soul: How to Rediscover Yourself after a Breakup

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

The path to heal your soul is not a linear, clear journey. Breaking up brings on a flurry of emotions.

Being single again is a stark contrast to the happiness you once felt when your connection to another was intact. The stability and comfort you felt in your long-term relationship are now gone.

Your relationship has come to an end and you can no longer rely on that person and what they gave you. 

It’s normal to feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. 

It may be tempting to indulge in self-pity, anger, or compare yourself to others. However, dwelling on where you think you could or should be won’t help heal your soul.

As a professional who helps clients cope with loss, I prioritize their individual circumstances, and so should you. I encourage my clients not to play the blame game. Instead we focus on how each party contributed to the relationship’s end, from a non-judgemental viewpoint, and figure out how to move forward. Each party’s emotions, situation, process, and grief are unique to them. 

That’s why I avoid using templates in my coaching business.

So if you’re dealing with loss and wondering if you’ll ever be able to heal your soul, keep reading.

Can You Heal Your Soul after Loss?

A breakup can be catastrophic to your sense of self and your life as a whole. 

In many close relationships, there’s a cognitive shift in the way individuals view their sense of self. Their thoughts and decisions are based on the collective unit, instead of the individual¹.

So it’s confusing when you’re on your own after someone was a huge consideration or contributor to every decision you made.

My advice for how to heal your soul after a breakup is this. Accept and acknowledge whatever you’re feeling and take responsibility for your contribution to it. You might feel like you shouldn’t be feeling a certain way. But you are feeling it and it’s okay. 

You might even feel relief. There’s no right way to feel since the grieving process will look different for everyone². 

It’s easier to put the scales back on a fileted fish than it is to recover from a broken relationship. But you can heal your soul if you start by accepting your feelings and your process. 

Acceptance of loss usually follows a downpour of emotions such as anger, remorse, denial, and of course, sadness³. The type of acceptance I’m talking about goes far beyond simply realizing things won’t go back to the way they were. 

Acceptance means you move forward with the intention to heal your soul and use what you’ve been given to become a wiser, better version of yourself. 

You might not feel like you can ever be whole again. 

But healing doesn’t require eliminating or forgetting loss. You just have to be willing to adjust to your new reality and find a way forward.

How to Heal Your Soul – The Simplified Version

It’s completely normal to feel like you don’t know who you are after a breakup. 

When someone has become a part of your core identity, it won’t feel good when they leave. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you’ve reached the point of acceptance, you can start to see that this isn’t a season of loss. 

It’s a season of opportunity. And it begins with intentional introspection.

Disruption is the birthing stool for transformation. What you’re going through is offering you a chance to reexamine your vision for your life. This is the time to heal your soul, but it’s also about creating a better future for yourself.

So before you take action and make other huge choices with the potential to change your life, get clear on your vision by grabbing a pen and paper. 

1. Write down where you are.

This is where you need to once again address your feelings about your breakup specifically, but also about your life.

Where are you in relation to your original goals for your life? Is your work aligned with your values? Are there other relationships that are preventing you from moving forward?

Zoom out, then zoom in on your habits and behaviors. 

If you doubt the impact of writing your feelings down, studies have confirmed its beneficial effects on mood, physical well-being, and social functioning after a breakup⁴.

2. Write down who and where you want to be in the next six to twelve months. 

Once you’ve identified what’s going on and what you want to change, you can figure out who you want to be. 

You’re not going to heal your soul by staying the same. You’re meant to grow and evolve.

Sometimes you can’t see beyond the relationship you’re in and how it impacts your goals and vision for yourself. 

Can you see who you want to be? If so, it’s time to take action.

Take Action

You can’t heal your soul without actively working to better yourself. 

I’m not saying you did or didn’t do anything wrong in your relationship. Whatever the case, growing and becoming better versions of ourselves should always be the goal. 

The loss just presents an opportunity to do that. 

To become who you want and need to be, you have to do what you’ve never done and go where you’ve never gone. You have to redefine certain aspects of your life. 

After all, you can’t heal your soul if you’re stuck in the past.

It can help to make small changes like:

  • Improving your daily routine.
  • Forming healthier habits.
  • Elevating your spiritual awareness.
  • Finding one thing to be grateful for each day.

Or major changes like:

  • Moving to a different location. 
  • Ending other relationships that might be toxic or harmful.
  • Leveling up your skillset by taking classes or getting a certification in something you have a passion for.
  • Broadening your horizons by joining a new community or seeking out a different job.

But don’t make these big changes without a plan. Making decisions on a whim won’t help heal your soul. It’ll only confuse you and get you lost. Pinpoint your “why” first. 

Whether you choose to take small steps or big steps, the only way to truly heal your soul is to deliberately reposition yourself for happiness and success. 

You have to take action if you want something to happen. 

What Are Healthy Habits for Healing?

While I emphasize that your healing journey will be different from anyone else’s journey, there are certain harmful behaviors and habits everyone should avoid.

These include:

  • Turning to drugs and alcohol.
  • Withdrawing from healthy relationships. 
  • Making drastic changes without a plan.
  • Jumping into a new relationship.
  • Avoiding professional counseling or coaching. 

None of these will help you heal your soul.

If you don’t take care of your mental and physical health, why would your soul fare any better?

Consider engaging in these activities:

  • Maintain your other relationships.
  • Continue hobbies you enjoy.
  • Try proven methods for improving your mental health and reducing stress – meditation and journaling are two great strategies for this.

Committing to your health will help you heal your soul a lot quicker than hiding and letting denial and despair rule your every move. 

Need Help to Heal Your Soul? Consult an ICF Master Certified Coach

As you can see, there’s no quick and easy answer to “How do you heal your soul?”

What works for one person might not work for you. But following these steps helps you build the foundation for healing. 

If you feel like you’ve tried everything, but you still aren’t where you want to be, book a free consultation with me. I’ll work with you to determine whether the changes you’re making are the ones that’ll help you further your efforts or keep you stuck. 

https://drdivanyoung.com/contact-dr-d-ivan-young/

You can’t rely on others to heal your soul. It’s time to take responsibility for your life and what you do with it. 

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.  

  1. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gary-Lewandowski-Jr/publication/261030733_You_make_me_a_betterworse_person_A_two-dimensional_model_of_relationship_self-change/links/5cf528f9299bf1fb18539aff/You-make-me-a-better-worse-person-A-two-dimensional-model-of-relationship-self-change.pdf 
  2. https://www.healthline.com/health/coping-with-break-up#TOC_TITLE_HDR_1 
  3. https://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief 

4. https://www.academia.edu/download/35848913/Lepore_P_H_2002.pdf

Finding Your Life Partner: Is It Out of Your Hands and up to Fate?

Finding Your Life Partner: Is It Out of Your Hands and up to Fate?

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

There’s no foolproof hack for how to find your life partner. 

Healthy relationships are the result of consistent effort and adapting to changes in your life and theirs. You might assume that if you find whoever’s meant to be your life partner, it’ll be smooth sailing and your relationship will hardly ever feel like work. 

While movies and social media might tell you otherwise, this isn’t how real life works. Anything of value requires effort and maintenance. 

So if you’ve had a hard time finding love, or had it but thought it “wasn’t meant to be” for some reason or another, keep reading. Finding your life partner might not look like immediately knowing someone is “the perfect fit” for you. 

It probably won’t look anything like what you see on the Lifetime network or in a Disney film. 

Why?

Think of the word relationship. It sounds like “relay” which is a repetitive action. As a verb, it means to receive and pass on. Then there’s the “ship” part. A ship is a vessel that usually carries some sort of valuable content from one place to another. 

Think of your relationship as precious cargo that consistently requires adjusting to move it safely from one stage of your life to the next. 

It might sound cheesy, but the one thing most people miss when they’re trying to find a life partner is their role in maintaining the relationship. 

As a behavior and relationship expert, I know from working with hundreds of my clients that when you’re struggling to find “the one”, you might be focusing on all the wrong things. If there’s one thing you should focus on that will help you get clear on what you want and how to get it, it’s intention. 

Intention Can Help You Find Your Life Partner

When I say intention, I don’t mean you just have to wake up every day and repeat a mantra like “I will find my life partner”. Faith without work is dead. 

The other mistake is adhering too closely to your laundry list of everything you seek in a partner. Not that having a list of your preferred life partner qualities is a bad idea. 

But when your partners don’t meet these requirements, it can lead to dissatisfaction and even contempt. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards. I’m saying that your life partner requirements should go beyond how attractive they are and what kind of movies they like. 

This is where intention comes in. 

If you’re currently single or in the early stages of a relationship, it’s important to prioritize your goals and purpose in life. By focusing on yourself first, you can determine whether you want a partner right now and how they may fit into your plans. 

If your potential partner doesn’t have the same goals or core values in life or isn’t willing to support yours, your life satisfaction will be negatively impacted. 

A study on the life satisfaction of entrepreneurs and employees showed that life partners had an overall positive effect on life satisfaction, likely due to the emotional and financial support they provide¹. The positive effect of their presence outweighed the detrimental effects of relationship conflict. 

It’s important to remember that relationships are meant to compliment your life, not complete it.

If you’re just dating to date, don’t worry about this as much. You can appreciate meaningful moments with someone who doesn’t share your goals and values. 

But if you’re dating to find your life partner, there are several ways to make sure you’re being intentional. 

How to Practice Intention in Your Relationships

If you’ve been in several relationships and you feel like your search for life partner “signs” is coming up empty, I have some advice for you.

  1. Ask yourself: “What is my main motivator for dating?”

If you’re searching for your life partner, but you’re chasing people you’re only physically attracted to, take the time to get to know them on a friendship level first. 

They’re not your life partner if physical attraction is the only thing that stands out to you during that time. On the other hand, if you find that you both have similar values and life goals, there’s potential for something greater there. 

  1. Observe how you handle stressful and good times together.

If you want a relationship that lasts through thick and thin, your interactions with your life partner during times of stress and normal times should make you feel confident.

Don’t expect perfection, because even you don’t always handle things well.

But if you and your potential life partner support and respect each other, no matter what you’re going through, it’s a pretty clear sign that the relationship has potential.

This last step is a clear indicator of a sustainable relationship: determining if their life goals align with yours. 

Figure Out If You Have Similar Ideas of What Your Life Will Look Like

If they want four kids and you want zero, don’t expect your partner to change their mind. Similarly, don’t compromise if it’s something that’s important to you. 

Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because months or years have passed the other person is going to change their mind concerning what they want or what they’re willing to commit to. 

It’s important to create a list of non-negotiables so you have a clear understanding of your core values and aspirations. 

This doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind in the future. But your life partner shouldn’t be someone you have to drastically change to fit your expectations. 

If they do change to fit your mold, it may be a warning sign. 

Be cautious of people who are willing to shape-shift to get what they want. There’s a strong chance they’ll revert to their old ways once they have you where they want you.

Speaking of expectations, there’s someone else you should be thinking about when looking for your life partner. 

Are You Living up to Your Own Expectations for a Life Partner?

Another aspect of your relationships you must consider is how you show up. 

Are you life partner material? Are you willing to provide as much as you expect the other person to provide? If you expect them to sacrifice their independence for the sake of love, are you willing to do the same? 

The selection process for a life partner has become more involved with the rise of social media, online dating, and sexual awareness².  While making a list of what you want in a partner can be beneficial, there’s also a point where it becomes too involved. 

If your list is long, you’re likely closing yourself off to something you might like.

It’s important to have standards. But if you notice you’re disappointed in every relationship when they don’t tick off all the boxes, your standards might be unreasonable³. 

Relationships are give and take. It’ll never be completely equal, but you should hold yourself to the same standards you’re expecting in a life partner. 

If your requirements for a life partner include:

  • Loyalty.
  • Honesty.
  • Compassion.
  • Independence.

You better be ready to provide these things for them as well.

Take Your Time

All the best things in my life have been a result of consistent effort and intention. 

When I made the decision to become a coach, I set out with the intention of becoming the best. 

I didn’t get into the top 1% of coaches around the world without setting a goal and hitting one milestone at a time. 

The search for your life partner is no different than any other goal. 

You have to know what your intention is and figure out how to get there. So if you enter a relationship and you don’t feel like it’s supporting your goals and needs, they might not be your life partner. Or you have some more work to do yourself. 

You might just need to figure out what you can and can’t live without in a relationship.

Your life partner isn’t going to drop out of the sky. You might not know they’re right for you at first. But if you know what you want and you keep that in mind while you’re dating, you’ll find the right person for you.

Sign up for my email list below for more encouragement and actionable tips for developing healthy relationships and finding happiness within yourself. 

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Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.   

  1. http://cebr.vse.cz/pdfs/cbr/2018/03/02.pdf 
  2. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Eva-Illouz-2/publication/227199854_An_odd_and_inseparable_couple_Emotion_and_rationality_in_partner_selection/links/56728ea208aeb8b21c70c3c9/An-odd-and-inseparable-couple-Emotion-and-rationality-in-partner-selection.pdf 
  3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201205/the-list-method-how-find-the-one 
Are You Prepared for the Ups and Downs of a Blended Family?

Are You Prepared for the Ups and Downs of a Blended Family?

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach 

New relationships can bring on a flurry of emotions. Add other stakeholders and it exponentially amplifies the potential for disruption. One thing is certain, the stakes are much higher when your relationship might lead to a blended family.  

Initially, your excitement for a chance at love can easily overshadow any potential consequences. Most people tend to not think about the long term. 

It’s easy to date someone who has children or a dependent relative, as long as you can return to the safety of your own environment. But if your relationship is ready to go beyond the dating stage, you can’t take an out of sight, out of mind approach. 

So how do you know you’re prepared to join a blended family?

As with any relationship, honesty with yourself and your partner goes a long way.

You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, wait until you have issues in your relationship to seek out a professional to help you plan for your future. Counseling for blended families can ensure you start your new life together with honesty and understanding. 

I’ve helped couples in different situations figure out how to navigate their new dynamic. My goal is to empower my clients to be open and understanding with all parties concerned, especially themselves. No one should push you to make a certain decision. I help you figure out how to work with your partner to make the right decision for all involved.

There are several points to consider when you’re trying to figure out if you’re ready to commit to someone and everything that comes with them. 

How to Make a Blended Family Work

Like any other family, blended families have issues. Every family is unique, but there are certain challenges that might affect your relationship if children or dependents are involved. Common issues with blended families can include:

  • Different parenting styles. 
  • Disagreements between children (yours and theirs or them and you). 
  • The emotional fallout from a loss or breakup.
  • Triangulation.  

These issues can be present in any family, but they tend to be more common in blended families¹. 

There’s an adjustment period you have to be aware of if your partner has children. If you’re the one with children from a previous relationship, you’ll likely be more aware of this. 

If one or both of you has children and you’re ready to commit to a blended family, it’s important to check in with your own emotions and boundaries. At the same time, you should consider your partner and their children. You can’t force a relationship with your partner’s children and you can’t make your children instantly warm up to a new person in their lives. 

Patience, communication, and honesty are essential if you want your new blended family to find a rhythm². 

How Do You Know if You’re Ready for a Blended Family?

Whenever you’re facing a challenge or major change in your relationship, you have to set aside your fear of disappointing your partner. 

You’re entering uncharted territory and you have to ensure you know how you feel and where you’re coming from so you can properly communicate. You have to be honest with yourself to prevent avoidable misunderstandings and disappointment. Self-awareness is key to improving the quality of your relationships in your new blended family if you decide to commit³. 

So before you make any decisions:

  • Have an honest conversation with yourself. 
  • Talk to your partner about expectations and non-negotiables.
  • Accept the uphill battle.
  • Understand it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

What do you have the capacity for? Are you prepared to make sacrifices and changes?

If you’ve never had children or your children have recently moved out, you have to consider how this decision will impact you emotionally and logistically. 

Romantic evenings with the door open may turn into stressful evenings behind closed doors. Your time is your own now – but that’ll change. This new change can be exciting if it’s what you want. 

You owe it to your partner and all who will be impacted by your decision to figure it out.

But before you take yourself out of the race, discuss expectations with your partner. You might be worried about taking on responsibility that your partner doesn’t expect or want you to take on. 

Always be upfront about your non-negotiables and don’t make any sacrifices that will lead you to feel resentful. When you’re bringing a blended family together – the stakes are high and the potential fallout affects everyone involved. 

Assess Your Own Situation

There are unique situations that may prevent you from being able to emotionally take on this huge change. 

If you’ve recently experienced:

  • A divorce or breakup.
  • The death of your partner or another loved one.
  • A change in your living situation – such as becoming an empty nester.
  • A change for the better or worse financially.

Then it might be too soon to make a major life decision such as forming a blended family.

If your children are older and have left the house, but your partner has children in diapers, are you ready to go back to that stage and the commitment that comes with it?

Have you healed enough from your previous relationship to give your all to someone new? Can you avoid carrying your baggage into your relationship with them and their children? If you have children – are you willing to have patience as they adjust to someone new in their home?

These are all questions worth asking yourself if you’re thinking of making another major commitment. 

Make the Right Choice for Yourself

All successful intimate relationships are built on communication and understanding. And all relationships require a certain degree of sacrifice. It’s up to you to decide what you’re willing to sacrifice and what you can handle. 

A blended family can bring great happiness, but it can also be challenging. 

Make sure you’re prepared to take on new responsibilities and consistently communicate with your partner. You’re not the only one who will be affected by your decision. 

If you’re struggling to navigate your relationship or find clarity to make the right decision, book a call with me. I help my clients develop confidence in themselves and their decision-making process. 

Individual Coaching | Balance Your Life

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.  

  1. https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-a-blended-family 
  2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/family-dynamics/blended-family 

3. https://www.forbes.com/sites/gingergentile/2021/04/21/blended-but-not-broken-step-families/?sh=39b2201541e7

Relationship and Marriage Finances: How to Create the Best Plan For You

Relationship and Marriage Finances: How to Create the Best Plan For You

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

Now that you’ve found the right person for you, you’re thinking about all the things you need to build a life together. 

At this point, you think you know almost everything about each other. But do you really? Most individuals and couples avoid the topic of money. It can be uncomfortable to talk about. And it’s even more uncomfortable making a decision that works for both of you. 

Like most people, you want to avoid conversations that might be stressful until you need to have them. You might be afraid to talk to your partner about critical issues. Issues like relationship or marriage finances, where you’ll live, and parenting.

If that’s the case, it’s essential to move past your fears by exploring why you’re afraid.  

You’ll either find that your fear is unjustified, or you’ll need to work it out. Either way, how you resolve – or don’t resolve – these conflicts will help you determine what to do. You’ll know if your relationship is ready for the next level or if it has potential. Then you can make an informed decision about your relationship.

Relationships and finances, in particular, are two daunting responsibilities in their own right. But dealing with finances when married or cohabiting is a feat that can be catastrophic for the closest couples. 

Pre-marital/pre-cohabitation coaching is an effective option for couples who desire actionable advice. Even if you’re great with communication, relationship coaching can provide new insights. From small issues to critical matters. 

As a Master Certified Coach, I frequently help couples and individuals identify core values and blind spots. It’s unwise to leave the success of your relationship up to chance. 

No one plans to fail – but many fail to plan. 

Why Pre-marriage / Pre-cohabitation Counseling Helps With Finances (And in General)

Different core values, uneven incomes, and inherited beliefs surrounding money can create discord. And even the strongest relationships can be ended when topics like money aren’t discussed until after they become an issue.

One survey revealed that the divorce rate for couples who received counseling before marriage was 31% lower than that of couples without counseling¹. 

This isn’t surprising. Couples willing to get assistance with solving their issues are more likely to have lasting relationships. Relationship coaching can help you with communication and conflict resolution. And it may unearth some areas where your relationship can improve².  

Suddenly sharing everything you’ve previously kept to yourself is new territory. And since you’re starting a new life with your partner, you may not know what to expect. Managing relationship or marriage finances is usually challenging. More so than managing your own money.

It makes a significant difference when you discuss expectations and devise a plan to resolve financial disagreements before they happen. 

Why Is It Important to Discuss Marriage and Finances?

Even if finances aren’t an issue for you now, a lot can change once you decide to share your life – and resources – with another person. This is especially true if you’re a High Net Worth Individual or have a high income. Let’s go over an example:

  • Joint vs. separate finances: you’ll find that this usually isn’t black and white. 

Will you keep your finances completely separate? This could lead to resentment if one person is willing to contribute more money. Especially if it’s for household or practical expenses. 

Or maybe you want to share everything. You’ll run into issues if one of you is a big spender, while the other is an enthusiastic saver. 

If you want to have a joint account and separate accounts – you still might have a difficult time. You’ll have to figure out which expenses to split. Maybe one of you only needs a cheap $20 haircut every month – while the other spends $100 with every trip to the hairstylist. 

Regardless of how you choose to approach your partnership or marriage finances, you won’t be able to avoid the conversation. And you shouldn’t try to. 

There’s no right answer for how to handle your finances when married or cohabiting. Each couple’s situation is unique. This is why financial coaching can be a game-changer for your relationship. 

What Should You Discuss When It Comes to Relationship/Marriage Finances?

There are several factors to consider when you discuss how to approach your finances in marriage or committed relationships.

  1. Do your spending habits differ from your partner’s habits?

If you spend money like it’s a neverending resource – while your partner holds onto money like it might disappear – you’ll experience a lot of frustration. 

You’re likely to have disagreements about which purchases are essential. You might become frustrated if your partner spends less money on you than you spend on them. You also might become resentful if you have to repeatedly loan your partner money due to their careless or reckless spending habits. 

Knowing the truth about your and your partner’s spending habits is crucial for #2.

  1. How much control are you willing to give over your resources? 

If you trust your partner with their money and yours, you may decide to combine your finances. But this can often lead to trouble.

Will there be a power imbalance if your partner earns significantly more than you? A huge difference in income can lead to unequal authority in your marriage. It’s up to you and your partner to determine whether you’ll have an equal say over your finances – even if your income is uneven. 

And once again, if your spending habits are completely different, sharing finances might be an issue. 

Imagine you or your significant other wants to buy the same outfit in ten different colors. You better ensure your partner is ok with that. Especially if you’re using their resources to fund your lifestyle. 

  1. How much access will you have to inherited resources? 

If you inherit an impressive estate from your aunt Joan, will your partner share in that? 

Situations like this won’t occur often, but it’s still important to be prepared. Figure out if you’re willing to share and how much. Your partner might assume they’re entitled to half. You might not share that perspective. 

This list doesn’t cover everything you should consider when discussing marriage finances or relationship finances. But it’s a solid place to start. 

Should You Seek Cohabitation or Marriage Financial Coaching?

If you and your partner want to tackle potential financial issues before they arise, signing up for couples coaching is an intelligent choice. Ideally, you’ll want to discuss other crucial topics as well. But shared resources and finances when married or in a relationship can be especially tricky to figure out. 

Financial arguments are one of the leading causes of breakups, but you can get in front of this issue³. Whether you choose to share everything or sign a prenup to keep everything separate, you and your partner can avoid misunderstandings by discussing finances. 

I’ve helped many clients work through financial concerns by identifying and addressing core values and exploring inherited beliefs and spending habits. I also help you determine if or when it’s appropriate to share resources. 

It’s critical to confront sensitive subjects that could lead to disharmony. Book a call with me to face your financial concerns and avoid unnecessary disagreements in your relationship.

drdivanyoung.com/contact-dr-d-ivan-young/

Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF Credentialed Master Certified Coach Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

  1. https://phys.org/news/2006-06-premarital-divorce.html 
  2. https://chhs.source.colostate.edu/is-premarital-counseling-worth-it/ 
  3. https://www.thejimenezlawfirm.com/how-finances-affect-divorce-rates-in-america/#:~:text=Money%20arguments%20are%20the%20second,all%20marriages%20start%20in%20debt. 



Alone, but Not Lonely - Dating Advice for Mature Adults

Alone, but Not Lonely – Dating Advice for Mature Adults

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

At some point, especially later in life, you will end up alone with no partner. That’s when you’re left alone with only your needs and desires. 

This is a voluntary choice for some. But for others – life happens and then, all of a sudden we find ourselves on our own. 

You may think it’s too late to find someone. But the truth is – it’s never too late. 

Whether you’re a widow, divorced, or never married – you deserve to have your needs met – no matter where you are in life. But it can be intimidating to seek out a partner when you feel inexperienced and vulnerable. And this can open you up to exploitation.

But dating late in life as an older adult doesn’t have to be a daunting experience. 

However, because of your experiences, now you know yourself better. More than you ever have at any other point in your life. Now, you’re far more discerning. It takes a fraction of a second for you to size up others and their intentions – simply because you’ve been around the block a few times. 

In my practice, I help my more mature adult clients work through difficult situations like dating after divorce or the death of a partner. 

When you sign up for my singles coaching, individual coaching, or my high net worth concierge coaching – I help you determine how to approach and manage these new and challenging situations in your life. 

There are things to keep in mind that will help you navigate these seemingly treacherous waters. 

How Should You Approach Dating as a Fully Matured Adult?

First things first – if you’re feeling sad that you identify as “older”, let’s clear up a few things.

  • Fully Matured is not an insult. 
  • Fully Matured simply means you’re much more experienced, much wiser, and seasoned. 
  • Just because you identify as matured, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy all the same things you experienced as a younger individual.

“If you’re saying you’re too old for this and that – you’re the one who’s benching yourself.”

That’s only true if you believe it to be so. Fact is, it doesn’t need to be that way. Forget the cliche that you’re only as old as you feel.

You’re only as old as you act. And you don’t have to act like life has passed you by when you have so much more living to do. 

In as much, if you’re ready to enter the dating pool again, there are several things you should do to make it easier for you and the people you date. These steps work well for dating at all ages, but especially for mature adults. 

 

   1. Accept that you have needs and desires.

It’s ok to admit that you have voids. Psychological, sexual, and emotional voids that need to be filled. And filling them comes with a cost. You can’t fill up your gas tank without paying.

The cost may be getting out of your comfort zone. It may be sacrificing part of the life you’ve built on your own. It’s a combination of big and small costs – but you get to decide what is worthy of the trade.

 

   2. Define your needs. 

At this point, you should determine your non-negotiables and what you’re willing to compromise on. 

Most who enter the dating world don’t plan to fail – but they fail to plan. You’ll see this in some marriages. You owe it to yourself and those you’re dating to decide what you want and need and how you want your relationship to proceed.

If you’ve decided you don’t ever want kids, don’t date someone who badly wants them.

Maybe you’re not looking for a partner and you only want friendship. Or you want a strictly physical relationship and nothing more. It’s up to you. And it’s also up to you to communicate what you do and don’t want.

 

   3. Embrace Unfamiliarity. 

Everyone has different preferences when it comes to physical looks and personality. But that doesn’t mean you can’t consider branching out. Don’t lose sight of your core values – but be open to the possibility of something or someone different than what you’ve limited yourself to in the past. 

You don’t have to define yourself and your tastes right away. Give yourself room to try new things and experience people who may be different than what you typically go for. 

 

   4. Understand you are a work in progress. 

This goes along with #3. You don’t have to know exactly who and what you want when you first begin dating as a mature adult.  

You’re beginning again – re-entering the dating world – so don’t rush to the end of the story. 

Don’t act like you’re in a terminal situation. Instead, make decisions as if you have so much left to give and receive – because you do. Put mildly, know your value. This is not the time to settle for less than you deserve. 

Dating Later in Life Doesn’t Have to Be Difficult

So you feel inexperienced and out of your depth. You’ll make mistakes as everyone else does. But they’ll likely be different mistakes than those you made the first time around as a young adult.

But the possibility of making mistakes shouldn’t deter you from dating altogether. You might not believe it, but being older doesn’t mean you should stop living life the way you want to.

You’re older and wiser – so don’t approach dating in all the same ways. You’re not going to be going to the club and hooking up with strangers. Visiting the old hunting grounds isn’t the wisest choice. And it probably won’t be enjoyable.

Be willing to try new things and also be true to yourself. Sticking to these two goals will make any process feel more promising and less terrifying. 

Should You Feel Pressured to Date as a Mature Adult?

At some point in your life, you’ve probably felt pressured to get married and have children. Maybe in the form of your aunt’s “friendly advice” during Thanksgiving dinner. Or your parents asking you when they’re going to have grandchildren. 

It’s important to remember you have your own dreams and needs. You decide whether or not you want to get married. And whether or not you want to date at all.

Everyone needs relationships to maintain their humanity. But those relationships don’t have to be defined. They don’t have to lead to marriage or children or romantic love. 

And sometimes you need someone to tell you it’s ok to not want what others want, or what they think you should have. It’s your life. 

As a coach, never do I tell my clients what they should do or want. We work together to ensure their choices match their goals in life. It’s helpful to have someone who can point out your blind spots and offer insight – but you have ultimate control over your life. 

If you’re ready to embark on this journey, book a call with me today.  If we’re a good fit,  we can help you position yourself to start forming meaningful, healthy relationships while taking better care of yourself. 

 

For more resources on the advantages and disadvantages of dating, read my blog  “Why Some Men And Women Prefer Being Single”.

https://drdivanyoung.com/why-men-dont-commit/  

If you’ve recently been through a life-altering change, specifically divorce, see my blog on “Coping with life after divorce”. 

You can do it: Coping with life after divorce

Suspicious Behavior in Online Dating? Red Flags or All in Your Head?

Suspicious Behavior in Online Dating? Red Flags or All in Your Head?

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

Virtual relationships can be challenging and often lead to disappointment, unrealized expectations, and a tainted view of relationships in general. Sometimes, they work out. But more often than not, you fail to see the online dating red flags or choose to ignore them out of your desire to be with someone. 

We all crave intimacy. And you deserve to find someone that will support you through life’s hardships. So how do you find that someone? Is it possible to find someone online and live happily ever after?

If you’ve had failed relationships from online dating platforms – or you’ve considered joining the online dating world – you should first ask yourself what you’re looking for. 

Determine the type of partner you want to have – as well as the partner you want to be. 

When I work with clients in my singles coaching program, I’m focused on helping them achieve their potential as an individual. You might be thinking, “how would this help me find success in relationships?”

The answer is clear: you’d have clarity when it comes to yourself – making it easier for you to identify who has the potential to become a true life partner. And – even more importantly – to avoid those who will drag you down. 

 

How Can You Spot Online Dating Red Flags?

While getting to know someone takes time, there are 3 common online dating red flags that you can learn to spot. Of course, there are exceptions, so you should take time to examine the situation and its potential for going downhill. 

 

  1. Beware of the person who expresses a “need” that they want you to take care of within the first 30-60 days of the relationship. 

This type of request is often accompanied by a guilt trip.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but there are manipulative individuals. Especially in the online dating world. Those who have a way of making you feel responsible for how they act. 

This can make you blind to their intentions, no matter how poor their behavior is. 

If you haven’t learned how to communicate effectively and set boundaries, you may be in danger of being influenced by people who want to take advantage of you. 

This brings us to the second warning sign.

 

  1. When someone tells you early in the relationship, “I’m only dating with a purpose.” That purpose is often selfish or misguided. 

That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for someone to be seeking connection and a long-term relationship. It’s important to be on the same page about where you want your relationship to end up. 

But this can also be a sign that they have unresolved issues. Maybe they had a bad experience with a previous partner that they haven’t worked through. Or they’re trying to rush into the endgame. 

This is a sign that they may be coming into the relationship with preconceptions that have nothing to do with you – but will affect their relationship with you. 

You can’t be responsible for solving your partner’s issues, but you can work on your own. You are more likely to spot an individual who isn’t ready for a relationship if you identify your own problem areas, triggers, and blind spots. 

And even if you’ve worked on yourself, you know what makes it harder to see warning signs? 

Read on to #3.  

 

  1.  You haven’t spent time with them in person. 

This isn’t a warning sign in and of itself. But how can you truly know someone if your interaction with them is limited to phone calls and texting?

You aren’t aware of how they behave when they’re feeling insecure or angry. You don’t know how they’d react to having some personal or professional success. 

You learn a lot about someone when you see how they act and react in different situations – not just from the information they choose to share with you over the phone. 

And then there are seemingly small things like how they treat a waiter in a restaurant. Things like this may seem insignificant or mundane – but they can differentiate a stable, healthy person from a troubled, immature individual. 

At some point, you’ll have to hang up the phone and spend time with this person. And only then can you tell what type of person they are when real life happens. 

 

So Is It Possible to Have a Healthy Relationship With Someone You Met Online?

Based on what we’ve discussed – the short answer is yes – but proceed with caution and pay attention to the online dating red flags.

The best thing you can do to form healthy relationships is to first work on yourself. If you know yourself, you will not be swayed by those who don’t have your best interests at heart. 

You can grow as an individual by examining your shortcomings – and other aspects of your personality and relationships – on your own. But why do it alone? 

Your transformation will exceed your expectations when you work with a certified coach as an unbiased and experienced party.  

 

Through my singles coaching program, I help individuals make smart decisions in their relationships – romantic and otherwise.

Book a coaching session with me if you’re ready to make room for healthy and fulfilling relationships. Yes, that includes the one with yourself.  

 

As an expert on human behavior and building fulfilling relationships and a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, Dr. D. Ivan Young is a highly sought-after keynote speaker and media personality. Dr. Young is an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach (the gold standard in coaching), a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, as well as a Credentialed Master MBTI Practitioner. In January 2021, Dr. Young was invited to become a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council. 

 

“Only when you stop embracing old attitudes and self-serving ideologies can things change for the better,” Dr. D Ivan Young MCC, NBC-HWC, CPDC. https://drdivanyoung.com/contact-dr-d-ivan-young

Are You Abandoning Your Common Sense for the Sake of “Love”?

Are You Abandoning Your Common Sense for the Sake of “Love”?

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

You’ve had measurable success. You’ve achieved your financial goals and more. But one thing that continues to evade you – a healthy, authentic relationship with your ideal partner. 

As a high-net-worth individual, do you fear that people will be attracted to your money but not to you?  Have you had partners that became possessive of you and your money? Or do they have expectations and spending habits that make you wonder if they’re taking advantage of your access to financial resources? 

That can be a very isolating experience. 

Forming genuine relationships as a wealthy individual is nearly impossible if you don’t work on your relationship with yourself.  And it can be challenging to learn how to manage the stresses – both internal and external – related to protecting your assets and your overall happiness. 

 

As an ICF Master Certified Coach, I’ve worked with high-profile, high-net-worth individuals to help them navigate their mental health, relationships, and reputation.

Here are a few reasons why it’s crucial to seek a highly experienced coach as a high-net-worth individual. 

 

How Can You Have a Successful Relationship Without Loving Yourself?

We often enter relationships out of desperation, fear, or loneliness. Our ultimate goal is to find someone that we truly connect with. Someone that has our best interest at heart. This can be difficult to achieve when you have assets and a reputation that attracts those with bad intentions. 

So why do we tend to choose partners who are the opposite of this ideal partner we have imagined for ourselves? Rushing into relationships is often a result of our desire for others to fill a void that we should be filling ourselves.

Think about it – how often in a new relationship do you ask yourself “why”? Why do I want this relationship? Is this person right for me? Why do I want to continue this relationship?

The answers to these questions will change depending on what season of life you’re in. You might assume that you would ask yourself the more important questions later in life. You might think you are naturally supposed to become better at choosing your ideal partner. 

This is not always the case. 

In fact, the further along you are in life, the more you have to lose by entering into a relationship. So is it safe to assume that when you have more to lose, you’ll make better decisions and become more thoughtful with your relationships? Sometimes, yes. 

But most of the time, your desire to find the perfect partner clouds your judgment and subconsciously urges you to ignore red flags. It’s hard to determine who wants to be with you for who you are and not your success and fortune.

And if you’re a high-net-worth individual with physical assets to lose, some are chomping at the bit to exploit you and your resources. They swoop in and prey on your isolation and your vulnerability. 

And because you are so receptive to someone to filling the void, you may be prone to ignoring all signals that this person does not have your best interest in mind.

 

What Happens When You Date for the Wrong Reasons? 

What you put out, you get back. 

What happens when you put yourself out there before you’re ready? When you feel hopeless for companionship and connection? You invite the wrong type of relationships. We let our desires – sexual and emotional – fog up our lenses. 

Let’s think about this. When you go to the grocery store hungry, are you likely to choose food that’s good for you? Or are you going to see those chips and pastries on the shelf and make a grab for them simply because you’re hungry? Probably the latter. 

So how do we avoid this? Don’t shop hungry. 

The same applies when searching for your ideal partner. Don’t date while you’re hungry for approval. Desperate for love that you don’t give to yourself. Starved for attention. 

Work on yourself before you commit to a relationship. Because relationships take work. And if you enter into a relationship that requires work – while also working on mending the broken pieces of yourself – you’re going to burn out. 

Your unreconciled issues create blind spots. And those blind spots lead you into relationships you would never set foot in as a healthy, healed individual. Or, you enter a relationship with someone ideal, but you can’t accept what they offer, so you sabotage the relationship. 

 

This is where I come in for my clients. I assist them with identifying blind spots while helping them find the best way forward. 

The truth is – people who are hurting tend to hurt other people. If you are unhappy or insecure with who you are, how are you supposed to appreciate when someone else sees what you don’t? 

Odds are, you won’t even recognize the value of a relationship with them. When you have no idea how to treat yourself with respect, how can you truly appreciate someone who does? 

 

What Does This Mean for You?

Don’t enter into a relationship and expect to be treated properly before you know how to love and treat yourself. Consider this – You wouldn’t take the chicken out of the fryer too early and eat it raw. The same holds true for dating. Instead, follow the “wisdom in dating”  recipe and thoroughly bake your issues until they’re edible. 

If you can’t love and accept yourself, you can’t expect anybody else to.

So when you’re looking for your ideal partner, figure out if they’re also working on themselves. Are they seeing a life coach? Are they going to therapy? Are they attempting to resolve their deeply-rooted issues to better themselves as an individual and as a potential partner?

 

My Concierge Coaching Program was created for individuals like you who desire companionship but need help managing the daily stresses of being a high-net-worth individual. 

You deserve to form healthy relationships while protecting yourself and your assets. Book a coaching session with me today. 


https://drdivanyoung.com/high-net-worth-ultra-high-net-worth-individual-concierge-coaching-program/ 

Are you scaring men away?

Are you scaring men away?

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

Do you think women primarily start a relationship with the intention of ruining it before it even starts? Sabotage can potentially ruin a great relationship before it even takes hold. Maybe you’ve experienced something like this in your lifetime.  Scaring Men Away

So, why does this happen? Perhaps you are wanting too much, too soon. Be careful, you could scare a man away by forcing communication and commitment rather than yielding to the organic flow of authentic connection.

Here are common behaviors that are scaring men away:

 Pushing for commitment may be scaring men away

  • Being manipulative and making the man feel pressured
  • Forcing the outcome, YOU want
  • Instead of focusing on statements of commitment, keep the focus on doing things that allow you both to get to know each other

 Acting paranoid may be scaring men away

  • Being overly suspicious, irrational and dramatic
  • Paranoia can come off as insecurity, or an insult
  • Texting your man, a dozen times in one hour

 You stop putting your true self forward may be scaring men away

  • Operating from pretentiousness and egotism/pride
  • Being fake is a turn-off
  • If he can’t accept you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best

 Making too many assumptions may be scaring men away

  • Expectations set in the relationship, “Fools in Paradise”
  • Letting past experiences interfere
  • Allowing gender stereotypes, cultural and religious belief to cause you to presuppose both you and your significant other are on the same page

 Not communicating clearly may be scaring men away

  • Say what you mean, mean what you say
  • Assuming that your partner knows what, you are thinking
  • Texting vs. talking

 Acting like you’re still available may be scaring men away

  • Not conducting yourself as if your significant other is present when you’re out alone, or with friends
  • “Don’t let your good be spoken of as evil”
  • “Six Degrees of Separation” theory – so make sure you aren’t dating around with mutual friends in the same community

Not knowing your limits may be scaring men away

  • Overestimating your ability to control consequences
  • Not taking responsibility for your actions
  • Not recognizing boundaries

There are no guarantees in life or in love. Learn to love and accept yourself for who you are not. What works in one relationship may not work in another. Before finding Mr. Right, learn to enjoy spending time alone with you. If you don’t enjoy your own company, why would anyone else? Ultimately, the best any of us can do is be that which we seek. When you become such, that which you seek will find you!

Our perception of self is seldom accurate. More often the way you see yourself is one thing, but how other people see you is yet another.