How to Have a Healthy Romantic Relationship – Even with a Difficult Past

Posted on November 6, 2023November 8, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

What does a healthy romantic relationship look like?

The work required to form and maintain a healthy romantic relationship is not as easy – or quick –- as movies and TV shows make it seem.

Have you tried putting two random things together? You’re two people, with different experiences, beliefs, backgrounds, and personalities. You can’t expect cohesion right away.

It’s crucial to establish a solid foundation if you want a healthy, lasting relationship.

A healthy romantic relationship revolves around mutual respect, tolerance, and acceptance. You must commit to improving yourself. Then you can learn to work through challenges together.

Why Should You Take My Advice?

Over the last two decades, I’ve coached many couples in navigating their individual and collective issues.

There’s one constant I’ve noticed. Those who find success in love are the ones who are willing to humble themselves and put their egos aside. They invest their time and resources into the relationship.

Mature love is a difficult choice that must be made repeatedly, moment by moment, day in and day out.

As a Master Certified Coach and relationship expert, I’ve seen relationships built on infatuation and physical attraction fall apart as quickly as they begin. Physical attraction is essential for relationship health. But much more is required to form a healthy romantic relationship that lasts.

The definition of a healthy romantic relationship might vary slightly. But there are characteristics and skills that can help you measure your relationship competence.

But first, why are healthy romantic relationships, and relationships in general, so important?

The Importance of Healthy Relationships

It’s a fact that social relationships impact our physical and mental well-being.

Healthy social ties have been linked to more positive health behaviors. They also contribute to improved psychological well-being and better physical health¹. A lot of factors influence health and well-being, but relationships are particularly essential.

Healthy romantic relationship functioning has been linked to:

Healthier decision-making for both men and women².

Greater relationship satisfaction and a higher sense of security.

Emotional/mental well-being – including reduced depression and anxiety symptoms.

Good physical health and longevity³.

If you’re married or in a long-term committed partnership, relationship problems can undermine your health.

Poor relationship health can manifest in many different ways.

Stress that leads to physiological responses that grind down your body’s systems. Examples are high blood pressure and increased heart rate.

Attempts to reduce stress through unhealthy coping habits, like drinking or smoking.

Depression or anxiety from consistent conflict in the relationship.

The key is to form healthy romantic relationships and friendships. You shouldn’t avoid relationships completely.

So what’s the definition of a healthy romantic relationship?

Skills for a Healthy Romantic Relationship

You probably have an idea of what a healthy romantic relationship includes.

There are certain characteristics that stand out such as:

Trust.
Communication.
Support and respect.

A healthy romantic relationship can slightly differ from one couple to the next. However, these skills and traits are undeniably important for a healthy, happy relationship.

Let’s break these down.

Trust in a Healthy Romantic Relationship

You get to decide what your boundaries are, individually and collectively. This is why trust might look different for everyone.

Building a solid foundation with trust requires discussing your needs, values, and expectations.

Trust is often developed over time. It can be difficult to trust someone, especially if you’ve had damaging experiences.

It’s well-known that unhealthy relationships throughout childhood and adolescence, especially with primary caregivers, can impact one’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships⁴.

But it’s something you can work on if this is the case for you.

Some ways to develop trust in your relationship include:

Doing what you say you’ll do.
Being there for each other, especially during challenging times.
Resolving any trust and attachment issues by getting help from a qualified professional.
Keeping the lines of communication open.
Maintaining your commitments regardless of your feelings at a given moment in time.

Respectful communication is one of the most essential requirements for a healthy relationship.

Stable Communication

Communication in a healthy romantic relationship will differ depending on your communication styles.

However, there are the usual signs that communication between you and your partner is healthy.

Effective communication usually involves:

Listening to what the other person is saying and trying to understand.
Avoiding derogatory or harmful language or gestures.
Trying to work toward the best solution for both parties, instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong.
Expressing forgiveness and not holding grudges.
Practicing empathy and compassion toward your partner, during and after a disagreement.
Acknowledging your role in the disagreement.

And when you can’t agree, make it your mission to respect and honor your partner’s perspective.

If verbal or physical abuse are involved, you should seek help. These are not characteristics of a healthy relationship.

Respectful communication is one way of supporting your partner and strengthening your relationship.

Support and Respect in a Healthy Romantic Relationship

Trust and communication are two building blocks of support and mutual respect.

You’re setting your relationship up for success if:

You’re willing to listen to each other.
You show empathy even when you disagree.
You show up for each other.

You can show up in your relationship in many different ways to support and respect your partner.

Maybe you take on extra chores when your partner is going through a difficult time.

Or you check in with each other weekly about your goals, needs, and what you want to improve.

It can look like being intentional about spending quality time together every day.

Maintaining a healthy romantic relationship is hard work. It’s crucial to be honest with each other and work together if you want it to last. And you have to be clear on what you want before you expect someone else to give it to you.

Setting Healthy Romantic Relationship Expectations

What happens when your checked boxes result in empty containers?

If your laundry list of expectations is superficial, this is likely to happen.

So if one of your goals is to establish a healthy romantic relationship, there are a few things you should get clear on beforehand.

Values and beliefs.
Personal and professional aspirations.
Your ideal lifestyle.
Financial expectations and contributions to the relationship.

While these can change over time, they’re essential to keep in mind as you search for a life partner. Knowing your non-negotiables and goals can save you a lot of time, energy, and pain.

How I Can Help You Solidify Your Relationships as an ICF Master Certified Coach

As I work with clients in my practice, we explore five key areas to ensure you’re prepared to be a productive partner.

Personality type.
Family history.
Core and cultural values.
Validation systems.
Psychological triggers.

But this is only the beginning.

I usually discuss these details with my clients within the first 90 to 120 days of working together.

There are two reasons for this.

How can you address something you aren’t aware of?
When we address these details, I can make sure my opinions and preferences don’t lead the way.

Not addressing these things would be like going to the gym and only working on the parts of your body that you like. You must perfect things that you do well, but you also have to identify what needs your attention.

So if you’re struggling to form healthy relationships, book a call with me. Also reach out if you’re in a relationship and you need help strengthening your connection.

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

There’s no amount of dinners or romantic getaways that can solve your problems for you.

If you and your partner commit to the work, you have the potential for a healthy romantic relationship that withstands life’s many challenges.

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/epdf/10.1177/0022146510383501?src=getftr

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Shaina-Kumar/publication/313406102_Romantic_competence_healthy_relationship_functioning_and_well-being_in_emerging_adults_Romantic_competence/links/5c1bb500299bf12be38d2209/Romantic-competence-healthy-relationship-functioning-and-well-being-in-emerging-adults-Romantic-competence.pdf

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Kurt-Hahlweg/publication/46123953_Assisting_couples_to_develop_healthy_relationships_Effects_of_couples_relationship_education_on_cortisol/links/6050aa58299bf1736748ea2b/Assisting-couples-to-develop-healthy-relationships-Effects-of-couples-relationship-education-on-cortisol.pdf

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S014521342100301X

Relationship and Marriage Finances: How to Create the Best Plan For You

Posted on December 18, 2022December 30, 2022 by Dr. D Ivan Young

Now that you’ve found the right person for you, you’re thinking about all the things you need to build a life together.

At this point, you think you know almost everything about each other. But do you really? Most individuals and couples avoid the topic of money. It can be uncomfortable to talk about. And it’s even more uncomfortable making a decision that works for both of you.

Like most people, you want to avoid conversations that might be stressful until you need to have them. You might be afraid to talk to your partner about critical issues. Issues like relationship or marriage finances, where you’ll live, and parenting.

If that’s the case, it’s essential to move past your fears by exploring why you’re afraid.

You’ll either find that your fear is unjustified, or you’ll need to work it out. Either way, how you resolve – or don’t resolve – these conflicts will help you determine what to do. You’ll know if your relationship is ready for the next level or if it has potential. Then you can make an informed decision about your relationship.

Relationships and finances, in particular, are two daunting responsibilities in their own right. But dealing with finances when married or cohabiting is a feat that can be catastrophic for the closest couples.

Pre-marital/pre-cohabitation coaching is an effective option for couples who desire actionable advice. Even if you’re great with communication, relationship coaching can provide new insights. From small issues to critical matters.

As a Master Certified Coach, I frequently help couples and individuals identify core values and blind spots. It’s unwise to leave the success of your relationship up to chance.

No one plans to fail – but many fail to plan.

Why Pre-marriage / Pre-cohabitation Counseling Helps With Finances (And in General)

Different core values, uneven incomes, and inherited beliefs surrounding money can create discord. And even the strongest relationships can be ended when topics like money aren’t discussed until after they become an issue.

One survey revealed that the divorce rate for couples who received counseling before marriage was 31% lower than that of couples without counseling¹.

This isn’t surprising. Couples willing to get assistance with solving their issues are more likely to have lasting relationships. Relationship coaching can help you with communication and conflict resolution. And it may unearth some areas where your relationship can improve².

Suddenly sharing everything you’ve previously kept to yourself is new territory. And since you’re starting a new life with your partner, you may not know what to expect. Managing relationship or marriage finances is usually challenging. More so than managing your own money.

It makes a significant difference when you discuss expectations and devise a plan to resolve financial disagreements before they happen.

Why Is It Important to Discuss Marriage and Finances?

Even if finances aren’t an issue for you now, a lot can change once you decide to share your life – and resources – with another person. This is especially true if you’re a High Net Worth Individual or have a high income. Let’s go over an example:

Joint vs. separate finances: you’ll find that this usually isn’t black and white.

Will you keep your finances completely separate? This could lead to resentment if one person is willing to contribute more money. Especially if it’s for household or practical expenses.

Or maybe you want to share everything. You’ll run into issues if one of you is a big spender, while the other is an enthusiastic saver.

If you want to have a joint account and separate accounts – you still might have a difficult time. You’ll have to figure out which expenses to split. Maybe one of you only needs a cheap $20 haircut every month – while the other spends $100 with every trip to the hairstylist.

Regardless of how you choose to approach your partnership or marriage finances, you won’t be able to avoid the conversation. And you shouldn’t try to.

There’s no right answer for how to handle your finances when married or cohabiting. Each couple’s situation is unique. This is why financial coaching can be a game-changer for your relationship.

What Should You Discuss When It Comes to Relationship/Marriage Finances?

There are several factors to consider when you discuss how to approach your finances in marriage or committed relationships.

Do your spending habits differ from your partner’s habits?

If you spend money like it’s a neverending resource – while your partner holds onto money like it might disappear – you’ll experience a lot of frustration.

You’re likely to have disagreements about which purchases are essential. You might become frustrated if your partner spends less money on you than you spend on them. You also might become resentful if you have to repeatedly loan your partner money due to their careless or reckless spending habits.

Knowing the truth about your and your partner’s spending habits is crucial for #2.

How much control are you willing to give over your resources?

If you trust your partner with their money and yours, you may decide to combine your finances. But this can often lead to trouble.

Will there be a power imbalance if your partner earns significantly more than you? A huge difference in income can lead to unequal authority in your marriage. It’s up to you and your partner to determine whether you’ll have an equal say over your finances – even if your income is uneven.

And once again, if your spending habits are completely different, sharing finances might be an issue.

Imagine you or your significant other wants to buy the same outfit in ten different colors. You better ensure your partner is ok with that. Especially if you’re using their resources to fund your lifestyle.

How much access will you have to inherited resources?

If you inherit an impressive estate from your aunt Joan, will your partner share in that?

Situations like this won’t occur often, but it’s still important to be prepared. Figure out if you’re willing to share and how much. Your partner might assume they’re entitled to half. You might not share that perspective.

This list doesn’t cover everything you should consider when discussing marriage finances or relationship finances. But it’s a solid place to start.

Should You Seek Cohabitation or Marriage Financial Coaching?

If you and your partner want to tackle potential financial issues before they arise, signing up for couples coaching is an intelligent choice. Ideally, you’ll want to discuss other crucial topics as well. But shared resources and finances when married or in a relationship can be especially tricky to figure out.

Financial arguments are one of the leading causes of breakups, but you can get in front of this issue³. Whether you choose to share everything or sign a prenup to keep everything separate, you and your partner can avoid misunderstandings by discussing finances.

I’ve helped many clients work through financial concerns by identifying and addressing core values and exploring inherited beliefs and spending habits. I also help you determine if or when it’s appropriate to share resources.

It’s critical to confront sensitive subjects that could lead to disharmony. Book a call with me to face your financial concerns and avoid unnecessary disagreements in your relationship.

drdivanyoung.com/contact-dr-d-ivan-young/

Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF Credentialed Master Certified Coach Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

Saying “I Do” to Marriage Counseling

Posted on April 28, 2018October 24, 2018 by Dr. D Ivan Young

What’s wrong with us that we’re constantly in need of help all the time? Marriage Counseling

It turns out that’s the wrong way to approach the question. There’s nothing wrong with you per se, but you might be engaged in habits that are mildly (or significantly) self-destructive or harmful to others who are in a relationship with you. These don’t even have to be particularly pronounced, which often makes them quite hard to pin down without some intervention, often marriage counseling is the key to discovery and healing.

Large-scale conferences like self-help seminars tend to take a lot of flak for allegedly being devoid of any real methods of self-improvement, instead opting for empty idealism. But, it really comes down to a matter of perspective. The same thing is true of marriage counseling or couples’ therapy for non-married partners. The idea is the see things from a different viewpoint.

But be cautious of self-help seminars with quick fixes and programs that promise results. Be diligent and thorough when choosing a marriage counselor, after all, they are protecting a very important asset, your relationship.

It is important to keep the following points in mind when seeking marriage counseling:

Find a qualified, experienced therapist

There are a plethora of therapists who offer marriage counseling, but not all of them are experts in counseling couples. Many counselors will offer marriage counseling simply because they’ve handled general therapy before and think it’s an easy transition. It might be, but that doesn’t mean they’re offering their clients the best possible treatment. If you think you need marriage counseling and are looking for the right therapist to lead your sessions, ask your potential therapist if they’ve obtained the proper training in cooperative communication and conflict resolution. If not, they might not be offering the most beneficial treatment for your relationship.

Consider Pre-Wedding Marriage Counseling

As you’re locking in plans for the dinner, the dessert, the DJ and the decor, it might be a good idea to also devote some time to counseling. Pre-wedding therapy tends to shed light on all the jitters, hesitations and reservations, so these concerns can be openly discussed prior to being married. It’s a big misconception that couples’ therapy is only for those whose relationships are on the rocks and taking time to meet before the wedding can often prevent those kinds of problems in the future.

Marriage Counseling can be a Gateway to PTSD Treatment

As the nation copes with skyrocketing instances of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, especially in returning soldiers, this is one of the most important revelations about marriage counseling that’s surfaced.

There are many reasons why someone who is potentially afflicted with PTSD wouldn’t want to seek out help, and they’re all understandable. The stigma. The shock. The looks. But for married folks, PTSD can drive a wedge between the couple and marriage counseling can often be a great way to gain an entryway into the mind of your partner with PTSD.

Remember, your relationship does not need to be in trouble in order to seek marriage counseling. Improving communication between you and your partner will only make the relationship stronger and allow you to become closer. You have found the person you want to share your life with, now take the time to find the support team that can help you foster and grow your marriage.

Can a Marriage Counselor Help You?

Posted on March 28, 2018October 24, 2018 by Dr. D Ivan Young

According to The National Center for Fathering, “Children from fatherless homes are more likely to be poor, become involved in drug and alcohol abuse, drop out of school, and suffer from health and emotional problems. Boys are more likely to become involved in crime, and girls are more likely to become pregnant as teens.” Marriage Counselor

Unfortunately, many young parents aren’t prepared to be fathers or mothers and the children suffer. Many statistics say younger couples have a higher divorce rate, but there are many who stay together a lifetime. Why do couples split? Could divorce be avoided if they had sessions with a marriage counselor?

The point is marriage shouldn’t be a decision that you rush into. It is most likely the biggest decision you will make in your life, so don’t be blinded to things you don’t want to see. Going to a marriage counselor prior to being wed may help you work through some issues pre-marriage and help assure yourself that you are marrying the right person for you.

As you aspire to be a couple in wedlock, there will be fears, questions and moments of hysteria, but remain calm, there is a lot of help out there for couples struggling to show each other love. Don’t be ashamed to ask for professional help from a marriage counselor, everyone could benefit from counseling.

There are many different problems in a marriage that could cause one to end in divorce. The list is exhaustive, and no two marriages are alike, so the reasons are always different. However, working with a skilled and experienced marriage counselor who can open the lines of communication can make the difference.

A marriage counselor uses several techniques and strategies, a professional can determine what the best strategies are for you and which healing techniques should be properly implemented. However, a good marriage counselor will tell you that the most important things to practice in productive couples counseling are honesty and communication. Without those two, even the most sound and logical advice will fail to help couples. So before entering counseling and talking to a professional, both parties must make a commitment to communicating openly and being honest at all times.

If you are having problems communicating with your significant other or you just want to improve your relationship, consider a consultation with a marriage counselor. Before trusting a marriage counselor with your precious relationship, check references and ask for referrals from friends and family. Make the best of your time with the therapist. A respected marriage counselor will give you the tools to improve your relationship, your marriage, and your life. But, it is up to you to do the work.

Can Couples Therapy Save your Marriage

Posted on February 28, 2018October 24, 2018 by Dr. D Ivan Young

If you are struggling to achieve balance and clarity in the relationships in your life, it may be time to seek out a relationship expert. In couples therapy, a qualified, compassionate professional can help you pinpoint and resolve the issues that are creating conflict between you and your partner.

Whether it takes the form of premarital counseling, marriage counseling, couples therapy or LGBTQ relationship counseling, professional guidance can be essential to the process of helping couples reconnect with one another. An experienced counselor can help you and your partner engage in more honest dialogue with one another by practicing communication that is rooted in mutual trust and respect. It is this type of environment that is at the core of effective couples therapy.

A therapist who specializes in the subject of Myers Briggs personality types will be able to accurately determine the personality type of each individual. Using that knowledge, the therapist will then be able to instruct you as to how to communicate with one another best.

During couples therapy, the therapist will use the personality profiles to guide and instruct each person regarding methods to better communicate with their partner. This results in a better understanding of how your partner expresses him or herself, and how he or she prefers to communicate with you. This insight gained in couples’ therapy will help you create a more meaningful and impactful dialogue between you and your partner.

It is vital that couples also consider how their behavior will impact their children. For many, reconciliation through couples’ therapy means they get their family back. Divorce is very hard on children who are torn between the love of two parents, often suffering the following fates:

They are forced to divide their time between the two people they love the most.
Children of single parents are more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems.
Children of divorced parents are more likely to be sexually active at a younger age.
Often children of divorced parents are in financial dire.

According to a 2014 National Health Statistics report from CDC, “Children living with one biological parent were between 3 and 8 times as likely as children living with two biological parents to have experienced neighborhood violence, caregiver violence, or caregiver incarceration or to have lived with a caregiver with mental illness or an alcohol or drug problem.”

There are many things that couples can do to revive, revamp and reignite their marriage. It all starts with knowing how to communicate with your partner. The strength and stamina of a relationship are built on strong foundations of mutual trust and respect. If you need to rebuild that foundation or regain trust, couples therapy can help. Do you want to understand your partner better? Therapists who specialize in Myers Briggs personality types can change the way you relate to your partner. Helping you to understand them better.

If you feel your marriage is in trouble, don’t hesitate to seek help. In couples therapy, you can discover constructive ways to voice your concerns and the significance of supporting each other.

Alternatives to Getting a Divorce

Posted on January 28, 2018October 24, 2018 by Dr. D Ivan Young

In 2016, the CDC recorded 2,245,404 marriages and 827,261divorces and annulments from 44 reporting states and D.C. Though 2016 shows a marriage rate of 6.9 percent of the population, the divorce rate is almost half that at 3.2 percent. For those in second or third marriages, the divorce rate is significantly higher. Getting a divorce.

In fact, according to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of marriages on the U.S. end up in divorce. So, with the numbers stacked against married couples, what can they do to remain happily married? There are many alternatives to simply getting a divorce and they all begin with better communication.

Talk to Each Other

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Things that are upsetting or disconcerting to one person, may have no impact on another. Share your joys, fears, sadness, and frustration with your partner. Come from a place of love when you speak or text or email. Accusatory language and angry gestures are not good tools for resolving conflict and constant behavior of that nature leads down the path to getting a divorce. Be honest and forthright, but compassionate and understanding. Deep-seated issues are never resolved overnight. In couples’ therapy, the space is designed so that couples should feel they can openly and honestly communicate.

Be Flexible

People change over time and it is important to adjust to that growth. Marriage is a give and take and a loving balanced relationship can last a lifetime. Get to the root of why you are thinking of getting a divorce. Does your partner feel the same or what are his/her concerns? Once you know these things, you can each make compromises to help make the situation better. Don’t be rigid or afraid of change. What worked in your relationship before, may not be what is needed at this stage in your marriage. Try to evolve as a couple before jumping into getting a divorce.

Make Time

Healing takes time, but more than that, it takes the will to want to make things better. Once you have discussed your feelings as a couple and adapted to meet your mutual changing needs, give it time. Therapy can be effective, but it takes time. If you are in couples’ therapy or marriage counseling, you are taking the right steps to save your marriage before actually getting a divorce. However, it is important to listen during therapy sessions, ask questions and follow through with any exercises and suggestions that your trusted marriage counselor deems necessary.

Get Help

Before calling it quits and getting a divorce, try these steps:

Have each person make a list of what he/she wants the other to change or work on, set a deadline for completing the list and sit down to go over it together.
Find a spiritual place you can both feel comfortable and go to faith-related events together.
Go to counseling. Find a therapist that you can both relate to, find a trusted professional with right demeanor for both of you.

Tag: Marriage Problems