Tag: Love and Relationships

When to Choose Your Career Over Love

When to Choose Your Career Over Love

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

If you’re a doctor, lawyer, or other licensed professional, there are times when you need to choose your career over love. 

I’m not saying you can’t have both. But when it comes to a life partner or even someone you’re casually dating, you must choose carefully. 

You’ve spent much time, money, and resources on obtaining your license or certification. Whether you had to pass state boards or the Bar Exam, you’ve come too far to risk all that you’ve earned. 

As an established professional, you must take dating seriously. 

As a highly qualified ICF Master Certified Coach, I’ve worked with many accomplished professionals over the years. They’ve achieved remarkable success in their professional lives, but many of them have found it challenging to navigate their love life. 

When you’re a well-established professional with abundant resources, finding a suitable partner can be an intricate task. Most professionals don’t have the time to devote to actively pursuing a relationship. But, like everyone else, they have a deep desire for a meaningful connection with a compatible partner.

When you don’t take care in choosing your partner, you end up having to choose your career over love.  Or you settle for Mr. or Ms. Right Now in lieu of Mr. or Ms. Perfect Fit. And that’s if you’re lucky. Whoever you date, live with, or even marry can either end up supporting or sabotaging your career. 

So when does choosing a career over love make sense? 

Should Age Play a Role in Your Decision to Choose Career over Love?

It’s never too late to pursue your dream or find someone to share your life with. Of course, age imposes some limitations. It can make it more difficult to have children or pursue certain time-sensitive goals. 

Therefore, you must plan. Figure out your ideal timeline and allow for some challenges. 

Even if you want to find a life partner within a certain season of your life, you shouldn’t spend all your time and energy looking. Real love will find you when you focus on:

  • Figuring out what you value most. 
  • What you want out of life. 
  • How you can be a better individual and partner. 

Perhaps what you want from life at this moment is a successful career and a reputable brand. 

In this case, temporarily putting your career over love might be what you need to do. But that doesn’t mean you have to close yourself off to meaningful companionship. It just means you should be intentional and have high standards for yourself and your current or future partner. 

Therefore, your age shouldn’t be the sole determinant of choosing your professional life over your personal life. The “when” matters less than the “why” and “how” in most cases.

Pros and Cons of Choosing Your Career over Love

Choosing to prioritize your professional ambitions over your romantic relationships can have a positive impact on your personal growth and long-term objectives. 

It’s worth noting that obtaining a professional license or certification requires an immense amount of time, effort, and dedication. You can pursue such goals after starting a family, but it can be much more difficult. It’s important to be realistic and understand that the demands of a partner, children, and even pets can take up a lot of your time and attention. This makes it harder to focus on your career aspirations. 

It can help to find someone whose goals are compatible with yours. It’s sometimes difficult for dual-career couples to keep up with professional and personal demands². But you have an advantage if you and your partner are both successful already. You can figure out your normal from the beginning. You may avoid some of the major conflicts that result from career and lifestyle changes. 

Choosing your career over love can also give you time to figure out who you truly want to be and how to get there. 

When pursuing your professional goals, you’ll likely:

  • Learn more about yourself and grow as a person¹. 
  • Hone in on what you love to do so you can follow your passion.
  • Find it easier to pursue your personal goals once you’ve set yourself up in your career.
  • Find that your new prowess can shift your perspective and your priorities.

Choosing a career over love early on in your professional life isn’t for everyone. 

If you go this route, you might lack the support that a healthy romantic relationship can provide. But again, this might not be your situation. You may have enough support from your other relationships and are whole within yourself. Not everyone is under the delusion that they need someone to complete them. If that’s you, you’re already miles ahead of most people mentally and emotionally. 

There’s nothing wrong with preferring to work on yourself and your goals before you get involved with someone else. 

Conversely, you might find that prioritizing your career has had a detrimental effect on your happiness and well-being. Whatever the case, make sure you check in with yourself and revisit your goals and needs on a consistent basis. 

Pros and Cons of Having a Partner Before You Get Established

If you’re a licensed professional who’s already in a committed relationship, there are several advantages to this.

You can benefit from:

  • Having more financial security because your partner is successful on their own.
  • Already sharing the same life goals and having each other’s backs. 

But there are potential cons. You have to assess your relationship. If you’re in a dysfunctional, codependent relationship, it can be far more difficult to let go. But if your relationship is not serving you and your goals, you must. The sooner you get up the courage to release yourself from the dysfunction and turmoil, the better. 

If You Already Have a Partner or If You’re Looking For One…

Be intentional.

Choosing your career over love is the right decision if you notice consistent warning signs. Don’t brush it off if your partner or potential partner:

1. Has psychological, emotional, or behavioral issues.

It’s not up to you to fix them, because you can’t. You’ve put in the work on yourself, and they need to do the same. If they aren’t willing to, no matter how long you’ve been together, they likely aren’t the right person for you. 

It’s easy to stay in a dysfunctional relationship once it’s become familiar. But, the longer you put off leaving, the worse it gets. This is especially true when children are involved. You’re teaching your kid(s) mediocrity and dysfunctional codependency.

2. Is reckless with what they post on social media or how they behave in social situations. 

As a professional, your reputation is everything. Whether you’re a doctor, lawyer, or public figure, it’s essential to have control over your emotions and behavior. Failure to do so can have disastrous consequences.

That’s why it’s crucial to surround yourself with people who have a similar level of emotional intelligence. Pay attention to your partner’s social media and public behavior. Remember, their actions reflect back on you and your brand. If you’re a public figure, it’s even more critical to be mindful of who you associate with.

If your significant other is associated with extreme political or social groups that go against your core values or is practicing immoral behavior like cheating on you, is it really worth risking your career and everything you’ve worked for? The answer is a resounding no. 

Protect your sanity, your reputation, and your future by being selective about who you allow into your inner circle.

3. Shows you they don’t care about the potential consequences of their words and actions.

If your significant other tells you anything like, “I’m doing me”, “mind your business”, or “you knew this was who I was when you met me”, it’s not a good sign. Odds are, they’re not a supportive, productive partner. 

If you value what you’ve built, choosing your career over love is the right choice in this situation.

4. Associates with the wrong crowd. 

While your significant other might not be the direct problem, the people they hang out with might be dangerous for your reputation. 

Early on in my coaching career, I had a few clients who were professional athletes. One night, we were headed to a party, and a guy who was in the car with us asked to make a stop. We stopped in a rough neighborhood where there was activity that could have tainted all our careers. 

My client, who’s now a retired NFL player, insisted that we leave to protect all of us. He had the awareness to leave a situation that wasn’t right for him, his public image, and his career. 

You don’t have to be an NFL superstar to use discretion. Setting boundaries and refusing to associate with harmful people or activities doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone else. It just means you’re thinking about your long-term interests. If you don’t, who will?

You can’t control others, but you can control who you allow into your life. 

It’s foolish to spend time perfecting your gifts and talents only to lose them because of someone else’s stupid decisions.

Advice from an ICF Master Certified Coach

Ultimately, choosing your career over love forever isn’t what I’m advocating for. I encourage you to choose professional success AND love. Don’t sacrifice all that you’ve built for someone who’s not worth it, but make sure you don’t sacrifice those who are worth it for your career. 

As I wrote in my book, Break Up, Don’t Break Down, it’s a problem when you look forward to leaving home more than coming home. 

So make sure whoever you let into your life has your back and cares about your goals. 

After all the work you’ve put into making your dreams come true, you can’t afford not to. 

If you find this article helpful, sign up for my email list to be notified when I release resources for licensed professionals, entrepreneurs, high-net-worth individuals, and public figures. 

http://subscribepage.io/drdivanyoung 

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.   

  1. https://www.scirp.org/journal/paperinformation?paperid=120363 
  2. https://researchportal.bath.ac.uk/files/198546512/Petriglieri_Obodaru_ASQ_accepted.pdf  
How to Have a Healthy Romantic Relationship – Even with a Difficult Past

How to Have a Healthy Romantic Relationship – Even with a Difficult Past

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

What does a healthy romantic relationship look like?

The work required to form and maintain a healthy romantic relationship is not as easy – or quick –- as movies and TV shows make it seem.

Have you tried putting two random things together? You’re two people, with different experiences, beliefs, backgrounds, and personalities. You can’t expect cohesion right away. 

It’s crucial to establish a solid foundation if you want a healthy, lasting relationship. 

A healthy romantic relationship revolves around mutual respect, tolerance, and acceptance. You must commit to improving yourself. Then you can learn to work through challenges together. 

Why Should You Take My Advice?

Over the last two decades, I’ve coached many couples in navigating their individual and collective issues. 

There’s one constant I’ve noticed. Those who find success in love are the ones who are willing to humble themselves and put their egos aside. They invest their time and resources into the relationship.

Mature love is a difficult choice that must be made repeatedly, moment by moment, day in and day out.

As a Master Certified Coach and relationship expert, I’ve seen relationships built on infatuation and physical attraction fall apart as quickly as they begin. Physical attraction is essential for relationship health. But much more is required to form a healthy romantic relationship that lasts. 

The definition of a healthy romantic relationship might vary slightly. But there are characteristics and skills that can help you measure your relationship competence. 

But first, why are healthy romantic relationships, and relationships in general, so important?

The Importance of Healthy Relationships

It’s a fact that social relationships impact our physical and mental well-being.

Healthy social ties have been linked to more positive health behaviors. They also contribute to improved psychological well-being and better physical health¹. A lot of factors influence health and well-being, but relationships are particularly essential. 

Healthy romantic relationship functioning has been linked to:

  • Healthier decision-making for both men and women².
  • Greater relationship satisfaction and a higher sense of security. 
  • Emotional/mental well-being – including reduced depression and anxiety symptoms.
  • Good physical health and longevity³. 

If you’re married or in a long-term committed partnership, relationship problems can undermine your health. 

Poor relationship health can manifest in many different ways.  

  • Stress that leads to physiological responses that grind down your body’s systems. Examples are high blood pressure and increased heart rate. 
  • Attempts to reduce stress through unhealthy coping habits, like drinking or smoking.
  • Depression or anxiety from consistent conflict in the relationship.

The key is to form healthy romantic relationships and friendships. You shouldn’t avoid relationships completely. 

So what’s the definition of a healthy romantic relationship?

Skills for a Healthy Romantic Relationship

You probably have an idea of what a healthy romantic relationship includes. 

There are certain characteristics that stand out such as:

  • Trust.
  • Communication. 
  • Support and respect. 

A healthy romantic relationship can slightly differ from one couple to the next. However, these skills and traits are undeniably important for a healthy, happy relationship. 

Let’s break these down. 

Trust in a Healthy Romantic Relationship

You get to decide what your boundaries are, individually and collectively. This is why trust might look different for everyone.

Building a solid foundation with trust requires discussing your needs, values, and expectations. 

Trust is often developed over time. It can be difficult to trust someone, especially if you’ve had damaging experiences.

It’s well-known that unhealthy relationships throughout childhood and adolescence, especially with primary caregivers, can impact one’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships⁴. 

But it’s something you can work on if this is the case for you. 

Some ways to develop trust in your relationship include:

  • Doing what you say you’ll do. 
  • Being there for each other, especially during challenging times. 
  • Resolving any trust and attachment issues by getting help from a qualified professional. 
  • Keeping the lines of communication open.
  • Maintaining your commitments regardless of your feelings at a given moment in time.

Respectful communication is one of the most essential requirements for a healthy relationship. 

Stable Communication 

Communication in a healthy romantic relationship will differ depending on your communication styles. 

However, there are the usual signs that communication between you and your partner is healthy. 

Effective communication usually involves:

  • Listening to what the other person is saying and trying to understand. 
  • Avoiding derogatory or harmful language or gestures.
  • Trying to work toward the best solution for both parties, instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong. 
  • Expressing forgiveness and not holding grudges. 
  • Practicing empathy and compassion toward your partner, during and after a disagreement.
  • Acknowledging your role in the disagreement. 

And when you can’t agree, make it your mission to respect and honor your partner’s perspective.

If verbal or physical abuse are involved, you should seek help. These are not characteristics of a healthy relationship.

Respectful communication is one way of supporting your partner and strengthening your relationship.

Support and Respect in a Healthy Romantic Relationship

Trust and communication are two building blocks of support and mutual respect.

You’re setting your relationship up for success if: 

  • You’re willing to listen to each other. 
  • You show empathy even when you disagree.
  • You show up for each other.

You can show up in your relationship in many different ways to support and respect your partner. 

Maybe you take on extra chores when your partner is going through a difficult time. 

Or you check in with each other weekly about your goals, needs, and what you want to improve. 

It can look like being intentional about spending quality time together every day. 

Maintaining a healthy romantic relationship is hard work. It’s crucial to be honest with each other and work together if you want it to last. And you have to be clear on what you want before you expect someone else to give it to you. 

Setting Healthy Romantic Relationship Expectations

What happens when your checked boxes result in empty containers?

If your laundry list of expectations is superficial, this is likely to happen.

So if one of your goals is to establish a healthy romantic relationship, there are a few things you should get clear on beforehand.

  • Values and beliefs. 
  • Personal and professional aspirations. 
  • Your ideal lifestyle. 
  • Financial expectations and contributions to the relationship.

While these can change over time, they’re essential to keep in mind as you search for a life partner. Knowing your non-negotiables and goals can save you a lot of time, energy, and pain.  

How I Can Help You Solidify Your Relationships as an ICF Master Certified Coach

As I work with clients in my practice, we explore five key areas to ensure you’re prepared to be a productive partner. 

  1. Personality type.
  2. Family history.
  3. Core and cultural values.
  4. Validation systems.
  5. Psychological triggers.

But this is only the beginning. 

I usually discuss these details with my clients within the first 90 to 120 days of working together.

There are two reasons for this. 

  1. How can you address something you aren’t aware of?
  2. When we address these details, I can make sure my opinions and preferences don’t lead the way. 

Not addressing these things would be like going to the gym and only working on the parts of your body that you like. You must perfect things that you do well, but you also have to identify what needs your attention. 

So if you’re struggling to form healthy relationships, book a call with me. Also reach out if you’re in a relationship and you need help strengthening your connection.

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

There’s no amount of dinners or romantic getaways that can solve your problems for you. 

If you and your partner commit to the work, you have the potential for a healthy romantic relationship that withstands life’s many challenges. 

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.   

  1. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/epdf/10.1177/0022146510383501?src=getftr 
  1. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Shaina-Kumar/publication/313406102_Romantic_competence_healthy_relationship_functioning_and_well-being_in_emerging_adults_Romantic_competence/links/5c1bb500299bf12be38d2209/Romantic-competence-healthy-relationship-functioning-and-well-being-in-emerging-adults-Romantic-competence.pdf 
  1. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Kurt-Hahlweg/publication/46123953_Assisting_couples_to_develop_healthy_relationships_Effects_of_couples_relationship_education_on_cortisol/links/6050aa58299bf1736748ea2b/Assisting-couples-to-develop-healthy-relationships-Effects-of-couples-relationship-education-on-cortisol.pdf 
  1. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S014521342100301X 
Heal Your Soul: How to Rediscover Yourself after a Breakup

Heal Your Soul: How to Rediscover Yourself after a Breakup

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

The path to heal your soul is not a linear, clear journey. Breaking up brings on a flurry of emotions.

Being single again is a stark contrast to the happiness you once felt when your connection to another was intact. The stability and comfort you felt in your long-term relationship are now gone.

Your relationship has come to an end and you can no longer rely on that person and what they gave you. 

It’s normal to feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. 

It may be tempting to indulge in self-pity, anger, or compare yourself to others. However, dwelling on where you think you could or should be won’t help heal your soul.

As a professional who helps clients cope with loss, I prioritize their individual circumstances, and so should you. I encourage my clients not to play the blame game. Instead we focus on how each party contributed to the relationship’s end, from a non-judgemental viewpoint, and figure out how to move forward. Each party’s emotions, situation, process, and grief are unique to them. 

That’s why I avoid using templates in my coaching business.

So if you’re dealing with loss and wondering if you’ll ever be able to heal your soul, keep reading.

Can You Heal Your Soul after Loss?

A breakup can be catastrophic to your sense of self and your life as a whole. 

In many close relationships, there’s a cognitive shift in the way individuals view their sense of self. Their thoughts and decisions are based on the collective unit, instead of the individual¹.

So it’s confusing when you’re on your own after someone was a huge consideration or contributor to every decision you made.

My advice for how to heal your soul after a breakup is this. Accept and acknowledge whatever you’re feeling and take responsibility for your contribution to it. You might feel like you shouldn’t be feeling a certain way. But you are feeling it and it’s okay. 

You might even feel relief. There’s no right way to feel since the grieving process will look different for everyone². 

It’s easier to put the scales back on a fileted fish than it is to recover from a broken relationship. But you can heal your soul if you start by accepting your feelings and your process. 

Acceptance of loss usually follows a downpour of emotions such as anger, remorse, denial, and of course, sadness³. The type of acceptance I’m talking about goes far beyond simply realizing things won’t go back to the way they were. 

Acceptance means you move forward with the intention to heal your soul and use what you’ve been given to become a wiser, better version of yourself. 

You might not feel like you can ever be whole again. 

But healing doesn’t require eliminating or forgetting loss. You just have to be willing to adjust to your new reality and find a way forward.

How to Heal Your Soul – The Simplified Version

It’s completely normal to feel like you don’t know who you are after a breakup. 

When someone has become a part of your core identity, it won’t feel good when they leave. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you’ve reached the point of acceptance, you can start to see that this isn’t a season of loss. 

It’s a season of opportunity. And it begins with intentional introspection.

Disruption is the birthing stool for transformation. What you’re going through is offering you a chance to reexamine your vision for your life. This is the time to heal your soul, but it’s also about creating a better future for yourself.

So before you take action and make other huge choices with the potential to change your life, get clear on your vision by grabbing a pen and paper. 

1. Write down where you are.

This is where you need to once again address your feelings about your breakup specifically, but also about your life.

Where are you in relation to your original goals for your life? Is your work aligned with your values? Are there other relationships that are preventing you from moving forward?

Zoom out, then zoom in on your habits and behaviors. 

If you doubt the impact of writing your feelings down, studies have confirmed its beneficial effects on mood, physical well-being, and social functioning after a breakup⁴.

2. Write down who and where you want to be in the next six to twelve months. 

Once you’ve identified what’s going on and what you want to change, you can figure out who you want to be. 

You’re not going to heal your soul by staying the same. You’re meant to grow and evolve.

Sometimes you can’t see beyond the relationship you’re in and how it impacts your goals and vision for yourself. 

Can you see who you want to be? If so, it’s time to take action.

Take Action

You can’t heal your soul without actively working to better yourself. 

I’m not saying you did or didn’t do anything wrong in your relationship. Whatever the case, growing and becoming better versions of ourselves should always be the goal. 

The loss just presents an opportunity to do that. 

To become who you want and need to be, you have to do what you’ve never done and go where you’ve never gone. You have to redefine certain aspects of your life. 

After all, you can’t heal your soul if you’re stuck in the past.

It can help to make small changes like:

  • Improving your daily routine.
  • Forming healthier habits.
  • Elevating your spiritual awareness.
  • Finding one thing to be grateful for each day.

Or major changes like:

  • Moving to a different location. 
  • Ending other relationships that might be toxic or harmful.
  • Leveling up your skillset by taking classes or getting a certification in something you have a passion for.
  • Broadening your horizons by joining a new community or seeking out a different job.

But don’t make these big changes without a plan. Making decisions on a whim won’t help heal your soul. It’ll only confuse you and get you lost. Pinpoint your “why” first. 

Whether you choose to take small steps or big steps, the only way to truly heal your soul is to deliberately reposition yourself for happiness and success. 

You have to take action if you want something to happen. 

What Are Healthy Habits for Healing?

While I emphasize that your healing journey will be different from anyone else’s journey, there are certain harmful behaviors and habits everyone should avoid.

These include:

  • Turning to drugs and alcohol.
  • Withdrawing from healthy relationships. 
  • Making drastic changes without a plan.
  • Jumping into a new relationship.
  • Avoiding professional counseling or coaching. 

None of these will help you heal your soul.

If you don’t take care of your mental and physical health, why would your soul fare any better?

Consider engaging in these activities:

  • Maintain your other relationships.
  • Continue hobbies you enjoy.
  • Try proven methods for improving your mental health and reducing stress – meditation and journaling are two great strategies for this.

Committing to your health will help you heal your soul a lot quicker than hiding and letting denial and despair rule your every move. 

Need Help to Heal Your Soul? Consult an ICF Master Certified Coach

As you can see, there’s no quick and easy answer to “How do you heal your soul?”

What works for one person might not work for you. But following these steps helps you build the foundation for healing. 

If you feel like you’ve tried everything, but you still aren’t where you want to be, book a free consultation with me. I’ll work with you to determine whether the changes you’re making are the ones that’ll help you further your efforts or keep you stuck. 

https://drdivanyoung.com/contact-dr-d-ivan-young/

You can’t rely on others to heal your soul. It’s time to take responsibility for your life and what you do with it. 

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.  

  1. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gary-Lewandowski-Jr/publication/261030733_You_make_me_a_betterworse_person_A_two-dimensional_model_of_relationship_self-change/links/5cf528f9299bf1fb18539aff/You-make-me-a-better-worse-person-A-two-dimensional-model-of-relationship-self-change.pdf 
  2. https://www.healthline.com/health/coping-with-break-up#TOC_TITLE_HDR_1 
  3. https://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief 

4. https://www.academia.edu/download/35848913/Lepore_P_H_2002.pdf

Alone, but Not Lonely - Dating Advice for Mature Adults

Alone, but Not Lonely – Dating Advice for Mature Adults

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

At some point, especially later in life, you will end up alone with no partner. That’s when you’re left alone with only your needs and desires. 

This is a voluntary choice for some. But for others – life happens and then, all of a sudden we find ourselves on our own. 

You may think it’s too late to find someone. But the truth is – it’s never too late. 

Whether you’re a widow, divorced, or never married – you deserve to have your needs met – no matter where you are in life. But it can be intimidating to seek out a partner when you feel inexperienced and vulnerable. And this can open you up to exploitation.

But dating late in life as an older adult doesn’t have to be a daunting experience. 

However, because of your experiences, now you know yourself better. More than you ever have at any other point in your life. Now, you’re far more discerning. It takes a fraction of a second for you to size up others and their intentions – simply because you’ve been around the block a few times. 

In my practice, I help my more mature adult clients work through difficult situations like dating after divorce or the death of a partner. 

When you sign up for my singles coaching, individual coaching, or my high net worth concierge coaching – I help you determine how to approach and manage these new and challenging situations in your life. 

There are things to keep in mind that will help you navigate these seemingly treacherous waters. 

How Should You Approach Dating as a Fully Matured Adult?

First things first – if you’re feeling sad that you identify as “older”, let’s clear up a few things.

  • Fully Matured is not an insult. 
  • Fully Matured simply means you’re much more experienced, much wiser, and seasoned. 
  • Just because you identify as matured, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy all the same things you experienced as a younger individual.

“If you’re saying you’re too old for this and that – you’re the one who’s benching yourself.”

That’s only true if you believe it to be so. Fact is, it doesn’t need to be that way. Forget the cliche that you’re only as old as you feel.

You’re only as old as you act. And you don’t have to act like life has passed you by when you have so much more living to do. 

In as much, if you’re ready to enter the dating pool again, there are several things you should do to make it easier for you and the people you date. These steps work well for dating at all ages, but especially for mature adults. 

 

   1. Accept that you have needs and desires.

It’s ok to admit that you have voids. Psychological, sexual, and emotional voids that need to be filled. And filling them comes with a cost. You can’t fill up your gas tank without paying.

The cost may be getting out of your comfort zone. It may be sacrificing part of the life you’ve built on your own. It’s a combination of big and small costs – but you get to decide what is worthy of the trade.

 

   2. Define your needs. 

At this point, you should determine your non-negotiables and what you’re willing to compromise on. 

Most who enter the dating world don’t plan to fail – but they fail to plan. You’ll see this in some marriages. You owe it to yourself and those you’re dating to decide what you want and need and how you want your relationship to proceed.

If you’ve decided you don’t ever want kids, don’t date someone who badly wants them.

Maybe you’re not looking for a partner and you only want friendship. Or you want a strictly physical relationship and nothing more. It’s up to you. And it’s also up to you to communicate what you do and don’t want.

 

   3. Embrace Unfamiliarity. 

Everyone has different preferences when it comes to physical looks and personality. But that doesn’t mean you can’t consider branching out. Don’t lose sight of your core values – but be open to the possibility of something or someone different than what you’ve limited yourself to in the past. 

You don’t have to define yourself and your tastes right away. Give yourself room to try new things and experience people who may be different than what you typically go for. 

 

   4. Understand you are a work in progress. 

This goes along with #3. You don’t have to know exactly who and what you want when you first begin dating as a mature adult.  

You’re beginning again – re-entering the dating world – so don’t rush to the end of the story. 

Don’t act like you’re in a terminal situation. Instead, make decisions as if you have so much left to give and receive – because you do. Put mildly, know your value. This is not the time to settle for less than you deserve. 

Dating Later in Life Doesn’t Have to Be Difficult

So you feel inexperienced and out of your depth. You’ll make mistakes as everyone else does. But they’ll likely be different mistakes than those you made the first time around as a young adult.

But the possibility of making mistakes shouldn’t deter you from dating altogether. You might not believe it, but being older doesn’t mean you should stop living life the way you want to.

You’re older and wiser – so don’t approach dating in all the same ways. You’re not going to be going to the club and hooking up with strangers. Visiting the old hunting grounds isn’t the wisest choice. And it probably won’t be enjoyable.

Be willing to try new things and also be true to yourself. Sticking to these two goals will make any process feel more promising and less terrifying. 

Should You Feel Pressured to Date as a Mature Adult?

At some point in your life, you’ve probably felt pressured to get married and have children. Maybe in the form of your aunt’s “friendly advice” during Thanksgiving dinner. Or your parents asking you when they’re going to have grandchildren. 

It’s important to remember you have your own dreams and needs. You decide whether or not you want to get married. And whether or not you want to date at all.

Everyone needs relationships to maintain their humanity. But those relationships don’t have to be defined. They don’t have to lead to marriage or children or romantic love. 

And sometimes you need someone to tell you it’s ok to not want what others want, or what they think you should have. It’s your life. 

As a coach, never do I tell my clients what they should do or want. We work together to ensure their choices match their goals in life. It’s helpful to have someone who can point out your blind spots and offer insight – but you have ultimate control over your life. 

If you’re ready to embark on this journey, book a call with me today.  If we’re a good fit,  we can help you position yourself to start forming meaningful, healthy relationships while taking better care of yourself. 

 

For more resources on the advantages and disadvantages of dating, read my blog  “Why Some Men And Women Prefer Being Single”.

https://drdivanyoung.com/why-men-dont-commit/  

If you’ve recently been through a life-altering change, specifically divorce, see my blog on “Coping with life after divorce”. 

You can do it: Coping with life after divorce

Suspicious Behavior in Online Dating? Red Flags or All in Your Head?

Suspicious Behavior in Online Dating? Red Flags or All in Your Head?

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

Virtual relationships can be challenging and often lead to disappointment, unrealized expectations, and a tainted view of relationships in general. Sometimes, they work out. But more often than not, you fail to see the online dating red flags or choose to ignore them out of your desire to be with someone. 

We all crave intimacy. And you deserve to find someone that will support you through life’s hardships. So how do you find that someone? Is it possible to find someone online and live happily ever after?

If you’ve had failed relationships from online dating platforms – or you’ve considered joining the online dating world – you should first ask yourself what you’re looking for. 

Determine the type of partner you want to have – as well as the partner you want to be. 

When I work with clients in my singles coaching program, I’m focused on helping them achieve their potential as an individual. You might be thinking, “how would this help me find success in relationships?”

The answer is clear: you’d have clarity when it comes to yourself – making it easier for you to identify who has the potential to become a true life partner. And – even more importantly – to avoid those who will drag you down. 

 

How Can You Spot Online Dating Red Flags?

While getting to know someone takes time, there are 3 common online dating red flags that you can learn to spot. Of course, there are exceptions, so you should take time to examine the situation and its potential for going downhill. 

 

  1. Beware of the person who expresses a “need” that they want you to take care of within the first 30-60 days of the relationship. 

This type of request is often accompanied by a guilt trip.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but there are manipulative individuals. Especially in the online dating world. Those who have a way of making you feel responsible for how they act. 

This can make you blind to their intentions, no matter how poor their behavior is. 

If you haven’t learned how to communicate effectively and set boundaries, you may be in danger of being influenced by people who want to take advantage of you. 

This brings us to the second warning sign.

 

  1. When someone tells you early in the relationship, “I’m only dating with a purpose.” That purpose is often selfish or misguided. 

That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for someone to be seeking connection and a long-term relationship. It’s important to be on the same page about where you want your relationship to end up. 

But this can also be a sign that they have unresolved issues. Maybe they had a bad experience with a previous partner that they haven’t worked through. Or they’re trying to rush into the endgame. 

This is a sign that they may be coming into the relationship with preconceptions that have nothing to do with you – but will affect their relationship with you. 

You can’t be responsible for solving your partner’s issues, but you can work on your own. You are more likely to spot an individual who isn’t ready for a relationship if you identify your own problem areas, triggers, and blind spots. 

And even if you’ve worked on yourself, you know what makes it harder to see warning signs? 

Read on to #3.  

 

  1.  You haven’t spent time with them in person. 

This isn’t a warning sign in and of itself. But how can you truly know someone if your interaction with them is limited to phone calls and texting?

You aren’t aware of how they behave when they’re feeling insecure or angry. You don’t know how they’d react to having some personal or professional success. 

You learn a lot about someone when you see how they act and react in different situations – not just from the information they choose to share with you over the phone. 

And then there are seemingly small things like how they treat a waiter in a restaurant. Things like this may seem insignificant or mundane – but they can differentiate a stable, healthy person from a troubled, immature individual. 

At some point, you’ll have to hang up the phone and spend time with this person. And only then can you tell what type of person they are when real life happens. 

 

So Is It Possible to Have a Healthy Relationship With Someone You Met Online?

Based on what we’ve discussed – the short answer is yes – but proceed with caution and pay attention to the online dating red flags.

The best thing you can do to form healthy relationships is to first work on yourself. If you know yourself, you will not be swayed by those who don’t have your best interests at heart. 

You can grow as an individual by examining your shortcomings – and other aspects of your personality and relationships – on your own. But why do it alone? 

Your transformation will exceed your expectations when you work with a certified coach as an unbiased and experienced party.  

 

Through my singles coaching program, I help individuals make smart decisions in their relationships – romantic and otherwise.

Book a coaching session with me if you’re ready to make room for healthy and fulfilling relationships. Yes, that includes the one with yourself.  

 

As an expert on human behavior and building fulfilling relationships and a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, Dr. D. Ivan Young is a highly sought-after keynote speaker and media personality. Dr. Young is an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach (the gold standard in coaching), a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, as well as a Credentialed Master MBTI Practitioner. In January 2021, Dr. Young was invited to become a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council. 

 

“Only when you stop embracing old attitudes and self-serving ideologies can things change for the better,” Dr. D Ivan Young MCC, NBC-HWC, CPDC. https://drdivanyoung.com/contact-dr-d-ivan-young

Are You Abandoning Your Common Sense for the Sake of “Love”?

Are You Abandoning Your Common Sense for the Sake of “Love”?

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

You’ve had measurable success. You’ve achieved your financial goals and more. But one thing that continues to evade you – a healthy, authentic relationship with your ideal partner. 

As a high-net-worth individual, do you fear that people will be attracted to your money but not to you?  Have you had partners that became possessive of you and your money? Or do they have expectations and spending habits that make you wonder if they’re taking advantage of your access to financial resources? 

That can be a very isolating experience. 

Forming genuine relationships as a wealthy individual is nearly impossible if you don’t work on your relationship with yourself.  And it can be challenging to learn how to manage the stresses – both internal and external – related to protecting your assets and your overall happiness. 

 

As an ICF Master Certified Coach, I’ve worked with high-profile, high-net-worth individuals to help them navigate their mental health, relationships, and reputation.

Here are a few reasons why it’s crucial to seek a highly experienced coach as a high-net-worth individual. 

 

How Can You Have a Successful Relationship Without Loving Yourself?

We often enter relationships out of desperation, fear, or loneliness. Our ultimate goal is to find someone that we truly connect with. Someone that has our best interest at heart. This can be difficult to achieve when you have assets and a reputation that attracts those with bad intentions. 

So why do we tend to choose partners who are the opposite of this ideal partner we have imagined for ourselves? Rushing into relationships is often a result of our desire for others to fill a void that we should be filling ourselves.

Think about it – how often in a new relationship do you ask yourself “why”? Why do I want this relationship? Is this person right for me? Why do I want to continue this relationship?

The answers to these questions will change depending on what season of life you’re in. You might assume that you would ask yourself the more important questions later in life. You might think you are naturally supposed to become better at choosing your ideal partner. 

This is not always the case. 

In fact, the further along you are in life, the more you have to lose by entering into a relationship. So is it safe to assume that when you have more to lose, you’ll make better decisions and become more thoughtful with your relationships? Sometimes, yes. 

But most of the time, your desire to find the perfect partner clouds your judgment and subconsciously urges you to ignore red flags. It’s hard to determine who wants to be with you for who you are and not your success and fortune.

And if you’re a high-net-worth individual with physical assets to lose, some are chomping at the bit to exploit you and your resources. They swoop in and prey on your isolation and your vulnerability. 

And because you are so receptive to someone to filling the void, you may be prone to ignoring all signals that this person does not have your best interest in mind.

 

What Happens When You Date for the Wrong Reasons? 

What you put out, you get back. 

What happens when you put yourself out there before you’re ready? When you feel hopeless for companionship and connection? You invite the wrong type of relationships. We let our desires – sexual and emotional – fog up our lenses. 

Let’s think about this. When you go to the grocery store hungry, are you likely to choose food that’s good for you? Or are you going to see those chips and pastries on the shelf and make a grab for them simply because you’re hungry? Probably the latter. 

So how do we avoid this? Don’t shop hungry. 

The same applies when searching for your ideal partner. Don’t date while you’re hungry for approval. Desperate for love that you don’t give to yourself. Starved for attention. 

Work on yourself before you commit to a relationship. Because relationships take work. And if you enter into a relationship that requires work – while also working on mending the broken pieces of yourself – you’re going to burn out. 

Your unreconciled issues create blind spots. And those blind spots lead you into relationships you would never set foot in as a healthy, healed individual. Or, you enter a relationship with someone ideal, but you can’t accept what they offer, so you sabotage the relationship. 

 

This is where I come in for my clients. I assist them with identifying blind spots while helping them find the best way forward. 

The truth is – people who are hurting tend to hurt other people. If you are unhappy or insecure with who you are, how are you supposed to appreciate when someone else sees what you don’t? 

Odds are, you won’t even recognize the value of a relationship with them. When you have no idea how to treat yourself with respect, how can you truly appreciate someone who does? 

 

What Does This Mean for You?

Don’t enter into a relationship and expect to be treated properly before you know how to love and treat yourself. Consider this – You wouldn’t take the chicken out of the fryer too early and eat it raw. The same holds true for dating. Instead, follow the “wisdom in dating”  recipe and thoroughly bake your issues until they’re edible. 

If you can’t love and accept yourself, you can’t expect anybody else to.

So when you’re looking for your ideal partner, figure out if they’re also working on themselves. Are they seeing a life coach? Are they going to therapy? Are they attempting to resolve their deeply-rooted issues to better themselves as an individual and as a potential partner?

 

My Concierge Coaching Program was created for individuals like you who desire companionship but need help managing the daily stresses of being a high-net-worth individual. 

You deserve to form healthy relationships while protecting yourself and your assets. Book a coaching session with me today. 


https://drdivanyoung.com/high-net-worth-ultra-high-net-worth-individual-concierge-coaching-program/ 

Are you scaring men away?

Are you scaring men away?

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

Do you think women primarily start a relationship with the intention of ruining it before it even starts? Sabotage can potentially ruin a great relationship before it even takes hold. Maybe you’ve experienced something like this in your lifetime.  Scaring Men Away

So, why does this happen? Perhaps you are wanting too much, too soon. Be careful, you could scare a man away by forcing communication and commitment rather than yielding to the organic flow of authentic connection.

Here are common behaviors that are scaring men away:

 Pushing for commitment may be scaring men away

  • Being manipulative and making the man feel pressured
  • Forcing the outcome, YOU want
  • Instead of focusing on statements of commitment, keep the focus on doing things that allow you both to get to know each other

 Acting paranoid may be scaring men away

  • Being overly suspicious, irrational and dramatic
  • Paranoia can come off as insecurity, or an insult
  • Texting your man, a dozen times in one hour

 You stop putting your true self forward may be scaring men away

  • Operating from pretentiousness and egotism/pride
  • Being fake is a turn-off
  • If he can’t accept you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best

 Making too many assumptions may be scaring men away

  • Expectations set in the relationship, “Fools in Paradise”
  • Letting past experiences interfere
  • Allowing gender stereotypes, cultural and religious belief to cause you to presuppose both you and your significant other are on the same page

 Not communicating clearly may be scaring men away

  • Say what you mean, mean what you say
  • Assuming that your partner knows what, you are thinking
  • Texting vs. talking

 Acting like you’re still available may be scaring men away

  • Not conducting yourself as if your significant other is present when you’re out alone, or with friends
  • “Don’t let your good be spoken of as evil”
  • “Six Degrees of Separation” theory – so make sure you aren’t dating around with mutual friends in the same community

Not knowing your limits may be scaring men away

  • Overestimating your ability to control consequences
  • Not taking responsibility for your actions
  • Not recognizing boundaries

There are no guarantees in life or in love. Learn to love and accept yourself for who you are not. What works in one relationship may not work in another. Before finding Mr. Right, learn to enjoy spending time alone with you. If you don’t enjoy your own company, why would anyone else? Ultimately, the best any of us can do is be that which we seek. When you become such, that which you seek will find you!

Our perception of self is seldom accurate. More often the way you see yourself is one thing, but how other people see you is yet another.

How to Ask for Forgiveness

How to Ask for Forgiveness

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

Sometimes words and actions can result in irreconcilable differences. But sometimes, when there is genuine remorse, mistakes can be forgiven. Here are some suggestions for when you want to ask for forgiveness. Ask for Forgiveness

Some people put a true love at risk for fleeting affairs and stupid lies. From infidelity to irreverence, deception to indifference hypocrisy to egotism, when it comes to sustaining love, we can be our own worst enemy. Making incompetent clownish mistakes is one thing, but it is hard to come back from actions that have destroyed the trust in your relationship. So, when you have devastated someone whom you love, you need to repair the relationship, make your partner see that you are extremely remorseful and aware that your actions have consequences before you ask for forgiveness.

Put yourself in the other person’s shows.

Admit what you have done and then admit the truth to the person you have hurt. Sympathize with the person you have betrayed or hurt. Tell them how difficult it would be to forgive if you were them. Show him/her that you ashamed of your actions and understand that granting forgiveness will be difficult. Communicate in the way that the person you hurt prefers, respect their boundaries and if you can’t meet face-to-face, try a phone conversation or even an email. Sometimes it takes time before your loved one even wants to communicate with you again. Give her/him time, if it is needed before you officially ask for forgiveness.

Be honest.

Come clean and be honest about everything. To be forgiven, you have to admit what you have done wrong. The healing begins with the painful truth and sincere efforts. This may be your last chance to show someone you love them and do not want to hurt them. Use this time to better yourself and do not repeat the same mistakes. Real love is transparent. If you want to keep secrets from someone, you are not ready to be in an open, honest and loving relationship with that person. If you have to hide text messages, emails or phone calls, consider why you feel you have to live a secret life and why you would even want to ask for forgiveness.

Be that which you seek.

Mature love isn’t about what you get, it’s about what you are willing to give. It takes time to develop a meaningful relationship with anyone. If you desire commitment, that begins with being committed. Don’t take those you love for granted because real love is a rare find. Get to know your partners love language and speak it on a consistent basis. Verbalize and demonstrate your appreciation. Show that you are worthy of asking for forgiveness.

If you are trying to ask for forgiveness, try to fix things before it is too late. But remember to be sincere, understanding and patience. Love comes with no guarantees. It is truly what you make it.

 

Real Love Happens When You Least Expect It

Real Love Happens When You Least Expect It

Posted on by Dr. D Ivan Young

It seems like just another ordinary day, then suddenly your world is transformed, your priorities shift, your heart flutters and you can’t stop smiling. At first, you are not sure why and then it hits you like a rainstorm…and you are in love. Real Love

Like they say, love happens when you least expect it. If it weren’t for the fact that the greatest desire of all humanity is to love, to be loved and to experience real love, all of us would be annoyed at the way real love enters our lives. It is not something you plan for, nor is it something you can simply make happen.

All people desire real love. We all desire happiness and the euphoric feeling that comes from being connected to that special someone through a unique bond. But, real love must come naturally. You can force it and you can’t buy it. You can’t make a heart feel something it doesn’t. And love comes from within, though you can show someone through your actions, love radiates from within you. Real love shouldn’t have to be proven or won, it is a mutual attraction that grows through the respect and admiration of each other.

When you decide to enter a long-term commitment with another, take the time to get to know them first. Don’t confuse real love with infatuation and lust. Marriage and children will create a special bond between you and your partner that doesn’t quickly vanish, even if you would like it to. How do you know you are really in love and that person is your ideal match? Ask questions, meet friends and family, spend time in a spiritual setting and spend time traveling together.

Real love is natural and organic. Though you may have met on a dating site 15 minutes after you signed up, falling in love takes time as it is a process of face-to-face encounters, shared expressions and intimate moments. Stop settling or thinking you can change someone or rescue them. Real love is not about molding someone to your ideal mate, it is about sharing yourself with someone and accepting the person they are. Love has no pride and often without warning people to find themselves at the mercy of love, where your love’s faults become whimsical acts and the very thought of that person fills your body with warmth.

But, how do you keep from self-sabotaging your relationship? How do you avoid the mistakes of the past? How do avoid taking your love for granted? How do you show your partner you love them each day?

 

  • Respect Love – Love deserves and demands respect. Don’t waste time on grudges or jealousy, focus, give love its due.
  • Don’t Tempt Fate – Don’t try to be something you are not; your love will accept you as you are. Honesty is the best gift you can give your partner.
  • Be Humble – Love is a treasure unlike any other, cherish it by repaying the world with kindness.

Remember, real love, happens when you least expect it, so be prepared.