Divorce Archives

Heal Your Soul: How to Rediscover Yourself after a Breakup

Posted on September 25, 2023September 25, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

The path to heal your soul is not a linear, clear journey. Breaking up brings on a flurry of emotions.

Being single again is a stark contrast to the happiness you once felt when your connection to another was intact. The stability and comfort you felt in your long-term relationship are now gone.

Your relationship has come to an end and you can no longer rely on that person and what they gave you.

It’s normal to feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself.

It may be tempting to indulge in self-pity, anger, or compare yourself to others. However, dwelling on where you think you could or should be won’t help heal your soul.

As a professional who helps clients cope with loss, I prioritize their individual circumstances, and so should you. I encourage my clients not to play the blame game. Instead we focus on how each party contributed to the relationship’s end, from a non-judgemental viewpoint, and figure out how to move forward. Each party’s emotions, situation, process, and grief are unique to them.

That’s why I avoid using templates in my coaching business.

So if you’re dealing with loss and wondering if you’ll ever be able to heal your soul, keep reading.

Can You Heal Your Soul after Loss?

A breakup can be catastrophic to your sense of self and your life as a whole.

In many close relationships, there’s a cognitive shift in the way individuals view their sense of self. Their thoughts and decisions are based on the collective unit, instead of the individual¹.

So it’s confusing when you’re on your own after someone was a huge consideration or contributor to every decision you made.

My advice for how to heal your soul after a breakup is this. Accept and acknowledge whatever you’re feeling and take responsibility for your contribution to it. You might feel like you shouldn’t be feeling a certain way. But you are feeling it and it’s okay.

You might even feel relief. There’s no right way to feel since the grieving process will look different for everyone².

It’s easier to put the scales back on a fileted fish than it is to recover from a broken relationship. But you can heal your soul if you start by accepting your feelings and your process.

Acceptance of loss usually follows a downpour of emotions such as anger, remorse, denial, and of course, sadness³. The type of acceptance I’m talking about goes far beyond simply realizing things won’t go back to the way they were.

Acceptance means you move forward with the intention to heal your soul and use what you’ve been given to become a wiser, better version of yourself.

You might not feel like you can ever be whole again.

But healing doesn’t require eliminating or forgetting loss. You just have to be willing to adjust to your new reality and find a way forward.

How to Heal Your Soul – The Simplified Version

It’s completely normal to feel like you don’t know who you are after a breakup.

When someone has become a part of your core identity, it won’t feel good when they leave. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you’ve reached the point of acceptance, you can start to see that this isn’t a season of loss.

It’s a season of opportunity. And it begins with intentional introspection.

Disruption is the birthing stool for transformation. What you’re going through is offering you a chance to reexamine your vision for your life. This is the time to heal your soul, but it’s also about creating a better future for yourself.

So before you take action and make other huge choices with the potential to change your life, get clear on your vision by grabbing a pen and paper.

1. Write down where you are.

This is where you need to once again address your feelings about your breakup specifically, but also about your life.

Where are you in relation to your original goals for your life? Is your work aligned with your values? Are there other relationships that are preventing you from moving forward?

Zoom out, then zoom in on your habits and behaviors.

If you doubt the impact of writing your feelings down, studies have confirmed its beneficial effects on mood, physical well-being, and social functioning after a breakup⁴.

2. Write down who and where you want to be in the next six to twelve months.

Once you’ve identified what’s going on and what you want to change, you can figure out who you want to be.

You’re not going to heal your soul by staying the same. You’re meant to grow and evolve.

Sometimes you can’t see beyond the relationship you’re in and how it impacts your goals and vision for yourself.

Can you see who you want to be? If so, it’s time to take action.

Take Action

You can’t heal your soul without actively working to better yourself.

I’m not saying you did or didn’t do anything wrong in your relationship. Whatever the case, growing and becoming better versions of ourselves should always be the goal.

The loss just presents an opportunity to do that.

To become who you want and need to be, you have to do what you’ve never done and go where you’ve never gone. You have to redefine certain aspects of your life.

After all, you can’t heal your soul if you’re stuck in the past.

It can help to make small changes like:

Improving your daily routine.
Forming healthier habits.
Elevating your spiritual awareness.
Finding one thing to be grateful for each day.

Or major changes like:

Moving to a different location.
Ending other relationships that might be toxic or harmful.
Leveling up your skillset by taking classes or getting a certification in something you have a passion for.
Broadening your horizons by joining a new community or seeking out a different job.

But don’t make these big changes without a plan. Making decisions on a whim won’t help heal your soul. It’ll only confuse you and get you lost. Pinpoint your “why” first.

Whether you choose to take small steps or big steps, the only way to truly heal your soul is to deliberately reposition yourself for happiness and success.

You have to take action if you want something to happen.

What Are Healthy Habits for Healing?

While I emphasize that your healing journey will be different from anyone else’s journey, there are certain harmful behaviors and habits everyone should avoid.

These include:

Turning to drugs and alcohol.
Withdrawing from healthy relationships.
Making drastic changes without a plan.
Jumping into a new relationship.
Avoiding professional counseling or coaching.

None of these will help you heal your soul.

If you don’t take care of your mental and physical health, why would your soul fare any better?

Consider engaging in these activities:

Maintain your other relationships.
Continue hobbies you enjoy.
Try proven methods for improving your mental health and reducing stress – meditation and journaling are two great strategies for this.

Committing to your health will help you heal your soul a lot quicker than hiding and letting denial and despair rule your every move.

Need Help to Heal Your Soul? Consult an ICF Master Certified Coach

As you can see, there’s no quick and easy answer to “How do you heal your soul?”

What works for one person might not work for you. But following these steps helps you build the foundation for healing.

If you feel like you’ve tried everything, but you still aren’t where you want to be, book a free consultation with me. I’ll work with you to determine whether the changes you’re making are the ones that’ll help you further your efforts or keep you stuck.

https://drdivanyoung.com/contact-dr-d-ivan-young/

You can’t rely on others to heal your soul. It’s time to take responsibility for your life and what you do with it.

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

4. https://www.academia.edu/download/35848913/Lepore_P_H_2002.pdf

How to divorce an emotionally abusive partner

Posted on February 20, 2022March 31, 2022 by Dr. D Ivan Young

Yelling. Screaming. Fighting. Couples who can’t seem to get along may realize that divorce is the only option. But, going through a divorce is never easy, especially when dealing with an emotionally abusive partner. There are many difficult choices that have to be made, and emotions often run high. But all of this can be especially painful when you are trying to leave an abusive spouse.

Abuse can take many forms and may not involve physical violence. Many experts agree that emotionally abusive partners can cause more scarring than actual physical abuse. If you are in the process of divorcing an emotionally abusive partner, there are steps you can take to protect yourself. If you recognize specific patterns, many times you can stay one step ahead of the abusive partner. You may not part friends, but you can help avoid a toxic, disruptive scene if you have the right plan in place before you start divorce proceedings.

Recognizing an emotionally abusive partner

Not every argument or conflict between two people is necessarily abusive. One thing that all forms of abuse have in common is the issue of control. An abuser is obsessive about trying to control all aspects of his or her victim’s life. Some of the common symptoms of an emotionally abusive partner include:

Degrading or shaming language
Constant criticism or accusations
“Gaslighting” (the attempt to convince a person that he or she is “crazy”)
Manipulative language or behavior
Attempts to manipulate others outside of the marriage (such as trying to discredit the victim, or encouraging others to insult or belittle the victim)
Withholding affection (the “silent treatment”)
Refusing to accept responsibility for one’s own actions

As you can see, emotional abuse can happen in many different ways. This can make it difficult to know how to respond when it happens. One important resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) which helps victims of every form of abuse.

How to leave an emotionally abusive partner

First and foremost, if you are in danger, consider calling someone to help you get to a safe place. Maybe you’ve made the decision to end an abusive marriage. This is a courageous and important step, but the sad fact is, abusive behaviors can escalate when victims try to leave for good. It is important to take every step you can to protect yourself and plan ahead so that your abusive partner doesn’t try to block your every move.

Before you serve the papers, seek legal advice and professional counseling so you can prepare mentally for the next big step. In order to attempt an amicable divorce, it’s important to get the guidance you need. One way to avoid drawn-out legal proceedings is to attempt to negotiate an amicable divorce, also known as a no-contest divorce, by having both parties agree to all terms, such as property separation and child custody in a safe place like a counselor’s office or attorney meeting. Sometimes attorneys, mediators, or therapists help divorcing couples negotiate these terms more effectively than if you try on your own.

If you want to attempt an amicable divorce from an emotionally abusive partner, here are some of the steps you should consider:

Find outside support. Taking care of yourself (and your children, if you have any) can be very difficult during an emotionally trying time. You are going to need all of the support you can get. A support group, counselor, therapist, or life coach can be a great source of much-needed guidance. Be transparent about your emotionally abusive partner so that your friends and family can help support you. Protect the children at all costs from any unhealthy scenes with your abusive partner by calling on friends to babysit when needed.
Get professional legal advice. It can be tempting to save money by trying to handle your divorce own your own. But if you are dealing with an emotionally abusive partner, you need to make sure your human rights and finances are protected. Consult with an attorney to determine the best way for you to move forward.
Document everything you need. You’ll need copies of all your financial documents and an inventory of your valuable belongings. You should also document your spouse’s past and current emotionally abusive behaviors to share with your attorney.
Focus on what matters. Divorce is not about “winning” or getting revenge after being treated badly. It is about creating a better life for yourself. Your priority should be keeping yourself and your family safe and financially secure. Sometimes you may have to just let go of the past so you can move on from toxic patterns of the abusive partner.
Always be honest. Your attorney and your support system can only help you if they have all the information they need. In addition, if you try to hide things (such as assets) from your spouse, you could end up in serious trouble. It’s important to be upfront and honest at all times.
Break old patterns. If your emotionally abusive partner has habitual routines, it’s possible that you have fallen into a toxic home life. How do you interact with people outside your marriage? Divorce is an opportunity to learn new communication styles and start practicing better self-care. Try to avoid fighting and bickering with your emotionally abusive partner. Most likely, this has become a controlling mechanism and doesn’t accomplish anything positive.
Don’t go through it alone. Maybe the most important thing to understand about divorce is that you don’t have to go through it alone. It can be a frightening, painful, and complicated process. You will need guidance and advice while you go through it, and support is available. Who can you call to help you navigate the rough waters?

How can a counselor help?

An educated and experienced life coach and counselor can help provide one-on-one counseling and couples counseling when you need it the most – especially during a separation or divorce. Having a professional in the room when you break the news or discuss custody for your children can help streamline the conversation and help diffuse emotional abuse patterns. It can be invaluable to have a professional perspective while you pursue a new and better life for yourself. If you are in interested in learning more about emotional abuse, abusive partners and how to heal from a divorce, contact Dr. D Ivan Young at 877-508-2025.

Helpful Links

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201609/when-is-it-emotional-abuse

http://www.attorneys.com/divorce/amicable-divorce

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-basics/twenty-things-you-should-know-about-divorce

Saying “I Do” to Marriage Counseling

Posted on April 28, 2018October 24, 2018 by Dr. D Ivan Young

What’s wrong with us that we’re constantly in need of help all the time? Marriage Counseling

It turns out that’s the wrong way to approach the question. There’s nothing wrong with you per se, but you might be engaged in habits that are mildly (or significantly) self-destructive or harmful to others who are in a relationship with you. These don’t even have to be particularly pronounced, which often makes them quite hard to pin down without some intervention, often marriage counseling is the key to discovery and healing.

Large-scale conferences like self-help seminars tend to take a lot of flak for allegedly being devoid of any real methods of self-improvement, instead opting for empty idealism. But, it really comes down to a matter of perspective. The same thing is true of marriage counseling or couples’ therapy for non-married partners. The idea is the see things from a different viewpoint.

But be cautious of self-help seminars with quick fixes and programs that promise results. Be diligent and thorough when choosing a marriage counselor, after all, they are protecting a very important asset, your relationship.

It is important to keep the following points in mind when seeking marriage counseling:

Find a qualified, experienced therapist

There are a plethora of therapists who offer marriage counseling, but not all of them are experts in counseling couples. Many counselors will offer marriage counseling simply because they’ve handled general therapy before and think it’s an easy transition. It might be, but that doesn’t mean they’re offering their clients the best possible treatment. If you think you need marriage counseling and are looking for the right therapist to lead your sessions, ask your potential therapist if they’ve obtained the proper training in cooperative communication and conflict resolution. If not, they might not be offering the most beneficial treatment for your relationship.

Consider Pre-Wedding Marriage Counseling

As you’re locking in plans for the dinner, the dessert, the DJ and the decor, it might be a good idea to also devote some time to counseling. Pre-wedding therapy tends to shed light on all the jitters, hesitations and reservations, so these concerns can be openly discussed prior to being married. It’s a big misconception that couples’ therapy is only for those whose relationships are on the rocks and taking time to meet before the wedding can often prevent those kinds of problems in the future.

Marriage Counseling can be a Gateway to PTSD Treatment

As the nation copes with skyrocketing instances of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, especially in returning soldiers, this is one of the most important revelations about marriage counseling that’s surfaced.

There are many reasons why someone who is potentially afflicted with PTSD wouldn’t want to seek out help, and they’re all understandable. The stigma. The shock. The looks. But for married folks, PTSD can drive a wedge between the couple and marriage counseling can often be a great way to gain an entryway into the mind of your partner with PTSD.

Remember, your relationship does not need to be in trouble in order to seek marriage counseling. Improving communication between you and your partner will only make the relationship stronger and allow you to become closer. You have found the person you want to share your life with, now take the time to find the support team that can help you foster and grow your marriage.

Can a Marriage Counselor Help You?

Posted on March 28, 2018October 24, 2018 by Dr. D Ivan Young

According to The National Center for Fathering, “Children from fatherless homes are more likely to be poor, become involved in drug and alcohol abuse, drop out of school, and suffer from health and emotional problems. Boys are more likely to become involved in crime, and girls are more likely to become pregnant as teens.” Marriage Counselor

Unfortunately, many young parents aren’t prepared to be fathers or mothers and the children suffer. Many statistics say younger couples have a higher divorce rate, but there are many who stay together a lifetime. Why do couples split? Could divorce be avoided if they had sessions with a marriage counselor?

The point is marriage shouldn’t be a decision that you rush into. It is most likely the biggest decision you will make in your life, so don’t be blinded to things you don’t want to see. Going to a marriage counselor prior to being wed may help you work through some issues pre-marriage and help assure yourself that you are marrying the right person for you.

As you aspire to be a couple in wedlock, there will be fears, questions and moments of hysteria, but remain calm, there is a lot of help out there for couples struggling to show each other love. Don’t be ashamed to ask for professional help from a marriage counselor, everyone could benefit from counseling.

There are many different problems in a marriage that could cause one to end in divorce. The list is exhaustive, and no two marriages are alike, so the reasons are always different. However, working with a skilled and experienced marriage counselor who can open the lines of communication can make the difference.

A marriage counselor uses several techniques and strategies, a professional can determine what the best strategies are for you and which healing techniques should be properly implemented. However, a good marriage counselor will tell you that the most important things to practice in productive couples counseling are honesty and communication. Without those two, even the most sound and logical advice will fail to help couples. So before entering counseling and talking to a professional, both parties must make a commitment to communicating openly and being honest at all times.

If you are having problems communicating with your significant other or you just want to improve your relationship, consider a consultation with a marriage counselor. Before trusting a marriage counselor with your precious relationship, check references and ask for referrals from friends and family. Make the best of your time with the therapist. A respected marriage counselor will give you the tools to improve your relationship, your marriage, and your life. But, it is up to you to do the work.

Alternatives to Getting a Divorce

Posted on January 28, 2018October 24, 2018 by Dr. D Ivan Young

In 2016, the CDC recorded 2,245,404 marriages and 827,261divorces and annulments from 44 reporting states and D.C. Though 2016 shows a marriage rate of 6.9 percent of the population, the divorce rate is almost half that at 3.2 percent. For those in second or third marriages, the divorce rate is significantly higher. Getting a divorce.

In fact, according to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of marriages on the U.S. end up in divorce. So, with the numbers stacked against married couples, what can they do to remain happily married? There are many alternatives to simply getting a divorce and they all begin with better communication.

Talk to Each Other

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Things that are upsetting or disconcerting to one person, may have no impact on another. Share your joys, fears, sadness, and frustration with your partner. Come from a place of love when you speak or text or email. Accusatory language and angry gestures are not good tools for resolving conflict and constant behavior of that nature leads down the path to getting a divorce. Be honest and forthright, but compassionate and understanding. Deep-seated issues are never resolved overnight. In couples’ therapy, the space is designed so that couples should feel they can openly and honestly communicate.

Be Flexible

People change over time and it is important to adjust to that growth. Marriage is a give and take and a loving balanced relationship can last a lifetime. Get to the root of why you are thinking of getting a divorce. Does your partner feel the same or what are his/her concerns? Once you know these things, you can each make compromises to help make the situation better. Don’t be rigid or afraid of change. What worked in your relationship before, may not be what is needed at this stage in your marriage. Try to evolve as a couple before jumping into getting a divorce.

Make Time

Healing takes time, but more than that, it takes the will to want to make things better. Once you have discussed your feelings as a couple and adapted to meet your mutual changing needs, give it time. Therapy can be effective, but it takes time. If you are in couples’ therapy or marriage counseling, you are taking the right steps to save your marriage before actually getting a divorce. However, it is important to listen during therapy sessions, ask questions and follow through with any exercises and suggestions that your trusted marriage counselor deems necessary.

Get Help

Before calling it quits and getting a divorce, try these steps:

Have each person make a list of what he/she wants the other to change or work on, set a deadline for completing the list and sit down to go over it together.
Find a spiritual place you can both feel comfortable and go to faith-related events together.
Go to counseling. Find a therapist that you can both relate to, find a trusted professional with right demeanor for both of you.

Tag: Divorce