by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach
Feeling sorry for yourself is easy to do.
Telling someone else it’s going to be ok is simple. What seems trivial to you is a significant challenge for them.
But, when you’re the person experiencing difficulties, it feels catastrophic.
If you feel sorry for yourself for a short amount of time, that’s one thing. But if you lean into the idea that the universe is out to get you or you’re just not capable of success, you’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Here’s the real issue. How are you supposed to stop feeling sorry for yourself if you’re going through, or are still traumatized from punishing experiences?
Whether you’re going through a breakup, experiencing a setback in your career, or learning to live without someone you’ve lost, you have to position yourself to work through these feelings. Major challenges don’t have to hold you back forever.
As a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach and an ICF Master Certified Coach, I’ve worked with countless individuals who were going through the toughest times of their lives. Through all of these coaching sessions, I’ve learned that you can start by releasing the detrimental notion that the universe is conspiring against you.
Hardship does not discriminate. If you’re breathing, you’re going to experience life’s challenges on a regular basis.
So how do you stop feeling sorry for yourself?
The Efficacy of Self-Pity
It’s not surprising that feeling sorry for yourself is low on the list of effective coping mechanisms.
As a strategy for coping with stress, it falls in the same category as avoidance and social withdrawal¹. Self-pity is also associated with poor anger control. It’s hard not to feel angry if it seems like everything and everyone is working against you.
On the other hand, the antithesis of self-pity is more effective and doesn’t come with a side of anger or social isolation. Ditching self-pity and practicing self-compassion is an exercise that requires self-awareness².
First, you have to be intentional and adopt a different mindset. You must make the deliberate choice to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
How to Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself
It’s okay to feel negative emotions when you’re going through something stressful or devastating.
But if you start to realize that being in a slump is a pattern for you, it’s time to do something about it. You can’t continue doing the same thing, engaging in “stinking thinking,” and expect a different outcome.
When you’re going through a difficult period, it can seem like time has stopped and what you’re going through will never end.
If you’ve been feeling sorry for yourself for a long period of time, now is the time to move forward.
I’ve been known to tell my clients, “If you’re going to have a pity party, schedule it for fifteen minutes. During this time, indulge in a cupcake, light a candle, and let out all those self-defeating emotions. Then, move on and focus on living your life to the fullest. Life is too short and death is too damn long to stay stuck on stupid. You’re much stronger than you think.”
There are several things you can do to make it easier to move forward with a better outlook and more confidence. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn’t have to be your normal.
Acceptance Is Key
If you can’t accept that difficult circumstances are a part of life that also happen to others, you’ll get stuck feeling sorry for yourself.
I often give the advice to accept your struggles before you do anything else.
You must make the conscious decision to change your mindset and stop the self-pity. You might not even realize you’re engaging in self-pity. If you aren’t able to recognize and admit that you’re allowing self-pity, how can you break free from it?
Until you make it your mission to change the way you see things, nothing will change.
Once you decide you don’t want to keep feeling sorry for yourself, it’s a matter of changing your actions and reactions to additional setbacks, as well as recognizing your progress.
Celebrating Small Successes
There are three great things about success. First, your success is relative and unique to you and your life. Second, succeeding is the best revenge. Third, success is habit forming.
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself after losing someone, this is no small change.
The pain that accompanies loss is debilitating. Separation anxiety is real.
Take a moment to appreciate yourself for having the determination to even show up and make an effort.
Even seemingly insignificant actions such as:
- Addressing your negative thoughts…
- Getting out of the house and going to the store…
- Dressing up and getting out of your pajamas…
Can be a significant step toward reclaiming your identity.
Maybe you’re feeling sorry for yourself after losing your job.
If you take a few days off, and then focus on one application at a time, that’s an accomplishment. Even if you’re feeling unmotivated, it’s crucial to acknowledge your effort and be proud of yourself.
Reflect on your achievements, including any certificates or diplomas you’ve earned. Remember that you were successful in finding your previous job, and you can rest assured you’ll be successful again.
You possess the authority to manifest your desires. But bear in mind that not everything will fall into place according to your timeline. You must acknowledge the role of divine timing.
Don’t disregard any progress made, no matter how small. Delay doesn’t mean denial.
Work with an ICF Master Certified Coach to Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself
Some of the best strategies for combatting self-pity can be challenging to implement on your own.
These approaches include:
- Recognizing when your thoughts are going in a downward spiral³.
- Questioning the validity of your negative perceptions.
- Developing and maintaining a positive mindset and building resilience.
- Taking the time to enjoy simple things like a walk in the park, live music, or a good workout.
Working with a qualified professional who’s experienced in helping others identify harmful thought patterns can be a game-changer. A credentialed coach can also help you move forward with clear goals and hold you accountable when life has you feeling sorry for yourself.
It’s also crucial to surround yourself with people who don’t give in to your self-pity. If you seek comfort from others and they give it to you without helping you find a way forward, you’ll likely seek that same comfort again.
This creates a loop of feeling sorry for yourself and seeking validation.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t lean on your support system, but you should have at least one person in your life who encourages you to make progress.
It’s never a good idea to surround yourself with others who are always throwing a pity party. Misery loves company.
Even if you have a support system, working with a good coach can be beneficial. They can lend an empathetic ear while offering an objective perspective that can give you a more positive and realistic view of your situation.
Feel Sorry for Yourself, Then Move On
Recently, I undertook a project with my daughter. We decided to flip a house together, combining my money and her project management skills. This might sound like a fun project and sure, there were positive aspects to it, but it quickly turned into a six-month-long nightmare.
Despite the initial excitement, we continually faced issues that prolonged the process.
It took a significant toll on my time, finances, and especially our relationship.
As I started feeling more and more frustrated and depressed, I came to the realization that I better change my perspective in order to avoid intensifying these negative thoughts and emotions.
Instead of dwelling on the challenges, I made a deliberate effort to discover the positive aspects of the experience and explore the benefits I could gain from it.
So How Did It Turn Out?
I must confess that it was no easy feat.
To be completely honest, I struggled with negative emotions and thoughts on a regular basis. But I knew that wallowing in self-pity wouldn’t fix anything. In fact, it could cause irreversible harm to my relationship with my daughter and have a lasting negative impact on my overall health and well-being.
During this challenging project, I learned valuable lessons, such as how to:
- Be more patient.
- Trust that there’s a higher purpose connected to my experiences, both good and bad.
- Find new ways to spend quality time with myself and my creator, which I had forgotten.
All of this made the experience even more valuable.
Additionally, I was surprised by the people who showed their unwavering support for me, even those whom I least expected to have my back.
Despite the difficulties, I persevered and emerged much stronger on the other side.
So spend some time feeling sorry for yourself. Then accept your situation for what it is and figure out how to move forward so you can seize every opportunity that comes your way.
If you’re struggling to end self-pity, book a call with me. We’ll identify what’s holding you back and work on your self-confidence and resilience. Once we do that, feeling sorry for yourself will no longer be your default mode.
Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.