by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach
You’ve heard all the money and relationship quotes, facts, and advice. Some of it’s helpful, and some of it’s not.
“Money can’t buy love”.
“Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce”.
While these are true, they don’t have to become your reality.
Imagine you’re at dinner and overhear someone talking about you and your partner.
They say, “She (or he) is only with them for their money”.
If you’re the one with money and resources, hearing something like this can send you down the rabbit hole of questioning your relationships. Then there’s the other side. If you aren’t the one with resources, people might make the incorrect assumption that you’re a gold-digger. Whichever side you’re on, when it comes to money and relationships, things can get contaminated quickly.
As an ICF Master Certified Coach with over twenty years of experience, I specialize in working with public figures, high-net-worth individuals, licensed professionals, and successful entrepreneurs.
One of the most significant concerns many of my clients have when dating is wondering if the person they are dating is genuine and with them for the right reasons. Can you truly say your partner is NOT with you for your resources? This is an essential question to ask yourself. But you shouldn’t isolate yourself for fear of being swindled out of your resources or being used by others.
An abundance of resources can be detrimental to your relationships. But remaining in the wrong relationship can drain your resources and your sanity.
So, how do you ensure your money and relationships aren’t at odds with each other?
You Can Beat the Money and Relationship Statistics
There are ways to ensure your money and relationships don’t clash. You can find real love, reliable friends, and true happiness if you seek wise counsel and be patient.
Money alone might not be the main reason many couples choose to divorce, but it plays a huge role in the reduction of relationship satisfaction. A study of one hundred husbands and one hundred wives showed money as the 6th and 5th most discussed subject during marital conflict¹. In a 2003 study of over two hundred divorced couples, money was ranked number thirteen on the list of reasons for divorce². Some of the reasons that ranked higher were:
- Infidelity.
- A lack of communication.
- Employment problems.
While money may not be the number one reason for divorce, it’s clear that it can cause irreparable damage to your relationships. If your relationship does end, legal battles over finances can lead to further misery, particularly when one partner has significantly more wealth than the other.
Relationship issues can stem from having either too many resources or too few.
Poor communication related to money and relationships can lead to:
- A loss of trust.
- Low self-esteem.
- General dissatisfaction for all involved.
Subjective financial well-being can contribute to your happiness, but the desire and pursuit of it can have the opposite effect³. Prioritizing financial success over your relationships isn’t the answer.
But you can manage money and relationships without sacrificing one or the other. It starts with being upfront with your partner about your views concerning money.
Why is this easier said than done?
When You Have a Lot of Resources…
If you’re a high net worth individual, or you have more money than most people in your life, it becomes difficult to determine why people are connecting with you.
You’ve heard people say “Money wouldn’t change me”.
It’ll change you, at least a little bit. But it’ll also change the people around you.
If you weren’t born into money and you had to fight your way to the top, you’ll likely deal with different types of people.
Some people supported you as you struggled because they were also in the fight. But if you aren’t fighting together anymore, they may try to sabotage you when you have money and resources.
Others were attracted to you once you became successful and well-off, but they’d drop you in a heartbeat if you lost it all.
But don’t feel hopeless. There are many people out there who do, and who will, love you for who you are and not what you have.
You just have to find them and learn how to recognize them.
How to Protect Your Money and Relationships
Money and relationship problems are inevitable if you don’t know how to communicate. You must plan for success, instead of just letting the situation unfold.
Here are some steps you can take to minimize the chances of having money and relationship problems that damage your happiness, health, and success.
1. Be careful who you allow into your inner circle.
This is solid advice for anyone, and it’s especially important for you.
Know what you value, and connect with others who have similar values. Look for consistency in their behavior as well.
It can be difficult to avoid money and relationship problems in your personal life when you’re desperate for love. But you have to exercise caution.
If a new partner or friend is constantly asking you for financial help or for you to use your connections for them, that’s a red flag.
Sometimes, their manipulation is more subtle.
Did they treat you well in the beginning of your relationship but now they’re hinting that they need help?
Do they have ambitions of their own and are they acting on their goals?
Take notice of their behavior. Make sure you’re not projecting your desires onto others instead of seeing them for who they truly are.
2. Reevaluate your existing close relationships consistently.
Are you surrounded by people who uplift you and help you grow, or do they hold you back?
In romantic relationships, finding a true partner who supports and challenges you is crucial. Don’t accept someone who relies on you for validation, is a source of validation for you, or is overly dependent on you.
Money and relationship issues sometimes stem from a lifestyle disconnect. Make sure you and your partner have shared goals and common core values. Both of you must commit to working toward them.
While having resources can be beneficial, it can be challenging to stay grounded and maintain your integrity and humility. Remember, even if you’re the one contributing financially, everyone has something valuable to offer. Take the time to recognize and appreciate the intangibles that others are bringing to the table. Loyalty and trust are priceless and extremely rare qualities.
3. Set and maintain boundaries.
One of the reasons money and relationship problems occur is because there’s a lack of boundaries and no clear expectations.
This goes for romantic, platonic, and business relationships.
It’s important to communicate and stick to your boundaries. You can do this by:
- Asking for a prenup if you’re getting married.
- Not hiring friends and family – when business relationships go south, your personal relationships are likely to suffer too.
- Limiting how much money you give away to friends and family. By making it a gift, you spare yourself the disappointment of not getting your money back.
- Not mixing your money and resources with your partner’s (or coming up with a plan to do so).
- Seeking individual or couples counseling to learn how to work through money and relationship conflicts.
Your money and relationships don’t have to cause you issues if you plan properly.
Final Thoughts on Money and Relationships from an ICF Master Certified Coach
If there’s one thing I’ve learned firsthand about money and relationships, it’s that not addressing the potential conflict is the worst thing you can do.
You don’t plan to fail, so don’t fail to plan.
If you want to learn how to manage your money and relationships so you can stay happy and successful, get in touch with me.
I know what it’s like to lose people who weren’t there for me. But I’ve also discovered who’s with me because they love and respect me. You can too.
Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.