by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach
If you’re wondering how you’re going to handle grieving during the holidays, you’re not alone.
Though friends and family may offer their sympathies, their words can sometimes add to the complexity of emotions you’re already feeling. This is especially true if you’ve recently gone through a breakup, or experienced the loss of a loved one.
It seems impossible to enjoy what’s supposed to be a happy time with loved ones.
As an ICF Master Certified Coach and National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, I strongly encourage my clients to acknowledge their feelings and make room for them.
It’s essential to understand that you can’t force yourself to feel happiness. You also can’t ignore your emotions.
I’m speaking from firsthand experience when I say that you can get through the holidays while dealing with grief.
Years ago, I buried my mother during the Thanksgiving Holiday. Though it felt like the worst season of my life, I survived it. I went through that nightmare alone and had little, if any, support from friends and what was left of my family.
Bottom line, if I can make it through that, I promise you that you will make it through what you’re experiencing right now.
Based on my professional expertise and personal experience, I’m confident in offering you some practical advice to help you navigate this challenging period of your life.
Grieving during the Holidays after a Breakup or Divorce
Grieving during the holidays due to a divorce, separation, or loss can be a challenging and distressing experience.
This is usually a time for families and friends to come together, but someone is missing this year.
The memories you’ve shared together are priceless, and it may seem impossible to celebrate the holidays without them. The thought of losing traditions you had with them can be unbearable.
The grief associated with these situations can result in overwhelming emotions that catch you off guard. Separation or divorce is never easy, even when you know it’s the best decision for you and your partner.
Grief can also cause:
- A loss of hope.
- Damage to your self-esteem.
- Physical symptoms like low energy, loss of appetite, and lack of sleep¹.
These symptoms of grief don’t typically go well with being around a lot of people and having to celebrate.
However, depending on where you are in the grieving process, being around loved ones can provide comfort and support. It’s healthy to lean on your support system.
As you navigate through this situation, give yourself permission to experience the positive aspects of the present moment. To achieve this, you need to intentionally look for things that bring you joy during this phase of your life.
Grieving during the holidays is hard, even with the help of your loved ones. To help you cope during this difficult time, here are some tips to consider.
How to Manage Grieving during the Holidays after a Separation
Acceptance is one of the most important steps when it comes to grief.
Losing a partner isn’t easy, especially if you were true life partners.
So before you do anything else…
1. Empathize with yourself – accept that it’s not easy and that what you’re feeling is normal.
There’s no use in thinking you should feel a certain way or you should be further along in the grief process. It is what it is.
This won’t make your experience easier, and it definitely won’t help you avoid grieving during the holidays.
2. Write your feelings down.
If you got divorced or you’re in the process of a break-up, there’s likely a good reason for it.
Write down what you gained or will gain from your relationship ending. The advantages might be far in the future, but acknowledging that they exist can help in your healing process.
If your relationship was harming your well-being, it’s time to take a stand and prioritize yourself.
You can’t let other essential relationships or your work take a backseat because you made the decision to end a toxic relationship.
If you found yourself constantly dreading coming home, it’s clear that breaking up was the best decision.
Trust that everything is working for your good and that focusing on your own well-being will lead to positive changes in your life.
You deserve to be happy and healthy. It’s up to you to make it happen.
3. Communicate what you need.
It may be hard to tell others that you’re grieving during the holidays, but doing so can help to avoid confusion and unnecessary stressful conversations.
It’s okay to not be okay.
Be upfront and assertive with your loved ones about your needs. Don’t shy away from being brutally honest with them.
If you don’t feel like talking about what you’re going through, that’s your decision. But make sure you inform them beforehand so they don’t unintentionally ruin what should be a joyous occasion with their well-meaning but misguided efforts.
Many of these steps are similar to those you can take if you’re grieving during the holidays after a loss.
Grieving during the Holidays after the Death of a Loved One
If you’ve lost someone to death, grieving during the holidays is a profoundly personal experience.
Special occasions often come with a lot of psychological distress if you’ve lost a loved one, especially a spouse³.
While I can give you advice on how to make it easier, I recognize that these choices might not be the right steps for you depending on where you are in your healing.
Sometimes, it feels wrong to celebrate the holidays when you’ve lost someone. Other times, it can be therapeutic to spend time with friends and family, talk about the person you lost, and revisit pleasant memories.
Traditions, including spiritual or moral traditions, can offer a sense of normalcy if you’re grieving during the holidays².
But if you don’t want to celebrate and you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, it’s important to realize that this is normal. The next step is to acknowledge your emotions and take action to address them.
Get up, get dressed, and get out of the house. Take thirty minutes and go for a walk, take a bike ride, or simply sit on a bench at the park or by the beach to reduce your anxiety. When I lost my mother, these thirty-minute breaks helped me maintain my sanity.
Remember, taking these small steps can go a long way in helping you cope with your loss during this difficult time.
So if you can’t even think about celebrating right now, consider these options.
Managing the Holidays
Everyone reacts to grief differently.
If you’re grieving during the holidays and you just want to get through it, you can:
1. Avoid isolating yourself.
While having alone time to process your feelings is essential, grieving during the holidays can be especially devastating if you try to go through it alone.
It might feel wrong to attend a celebration with family and friends. If this is the case, try to make plans with one person or a few loved ones.
You don’t have to pretend you’re okay if you’re grieving during the holidays.
Surround yourself with those who understand.
2. Do something to honor your loved one.
While it might feel wrong to celebrate the holidays, celebrating their life might aid in your healing.
This can look like doing an activity that you used to do with your loved one. Or you may want to try something different but take some time to celebrate them and their life.
There are so many ways you can do this. You don’t have to celebrate the holidays like normal. Because for you, it’s not normal right now.
You may be overwhelmed with memories, especially memories related to holiday traditions with your loved one. So create some new traditions that feel right to you.
3. Focus on someone else.
If you’re grieving during the holidays, you likely don’t want to dwell on your loss.
It can help to support someone else, like a local charity or someone you know personally. Giving to someone else who’s going through something similar can also be a healing experience.
4. Find a support group.
Support groups can be particularly beneficial if you’re grieving the loss of a loved one⁴.
Whether you decide to share your own experience or only listen, it’s another way to process your feelings. It’s an opportunity to connect with others who understand what you’re going through.
5. Talk to a life coach or therapist if you’re grieving during the holidays.
An ICF-certified coach or clinician who specializes in grief can offer you more support and help you navigate your grief.
Grieving during the holidays can be particularly isolating, so you should have someone you can rely on and talk to without fear of judgment.
Grieving during the holidays will look different for everyone.
You might not want to face your well-meaning loved ones. But that doesn’t mean you have to go through this season alone.
If you need someone to help you get through this difficult time and heal, reach out.
I’m here for you.
Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.