Do you even know how to love yourself? It’s a challenge for most. Some might not realize they don’t love or respect themselves, because they confuse love with self-indulgence. But how you love yourself is often revealed in how you treat other people. Another possibility is you attract people who don’t or won’t show you respect, because you don’t respect yourself.
Does this sound familiar?
You forgive others too easily, but you won’t forgive yourself.
You don’t allow any room for mistakes with yourself, but you’re understanding when others make them.
When others set boundaries – you respect them. But when you set them, you either don’t enforce them or you feel guilty.
These feelings are all too common. If you experience these emotions frequently – that’s a sign that it’s past time you start showing more love to and for yourself. It’s easy to take care of those we love at the expense of neglecting our own needs. This never ends well.
Self-exploitation results in you being burnt out and miserable, which only makes you more miserable to be around. In the end – you aren’t doing anybody a favor by not taking better care of yourself and making it a priority to love yourself.
When I coach my individual clients, self-love is made a priority. It’s up to you to treat yourself better. If you won’t, then who will? A competent coach will help you get there with advice that’s tailored to you and your core values while being mindful of your beliefs, environment, and lifestyle.
Why You Should Love Yourself First
This goes back to the saying “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.
You spend so much energy taking care of your family, devoting time to your career, and chasing your other pursuits. At the end of the day, you have little to no energy left to maintain your well-being and sanity.
You can’t care for others if you don’t care for and love yourself first.
Those who care for you and respect you want to see you at your best. But sometimes you can be taken advantage of, simply because you feel guilty setting boundaries.
If you sacrifice self-care and self-love in order to be successful or show others that you’re invincible, you might accomplish something. But the question is – what’s the cost to you?
It’s unlikely you started out with the intention of being a sacrificial lamb, but that’s exactly what you’ll become. What good is success if you end up losing your love for yourself in the process? You shouldn’t trade your physical, mental and emotional health for anything. Nothing is worth dimming your light.
How to Intentionally Show Love for Yourself
When you focus on trying to be everything to and for everyone else – you’re doing absolutely nothing for yourself.
It’s easy to lose sight of loving yourself when you have so much on your plate. Especially when you’re in a new relationship, starting a new job, or entering a new stage of life such as parenthood.
You can become so worried about letting others down you end up letting yourself down. If you notice you aren’t doing enough to love yourself, here are some ways to start.
- Reflect on what causes you to feel guilty or unworthy.
Sometimes you’ll recognize your feelings aren’t rooted in truth. It might come from a belief instilled in you from a young age. Maybe you’ve developed people-pleasing tendencies. The question is where did this need come from? Is it due to a previous experience or is someone manipulating you?
Take the time to explore what’s causing your feelings. You’ll more than likely find they’re stemming from something else and not from the truth.
- Accept that you’re your own toughest critic.
We often think others are judging us more than they actually are. The reality is – everyone else is judging themselves more than they’re judging you. The standards that you’re holding yourself to are in your head. If someone else is holding you to nearly impossible standards, that’s a red flag. Perhaps it’s time for you to set boundaries.
Several studies have shown that we perceive our mistakes far more negatively than we perceive the mistakes of others¹. The next time you make a mistake, imagine your loved one making the same mistake. Would you forgive them? Does it still seem irreversible? Can they learn from it? If they can, so could you. If that’s the case you can also use the same logic in learning to forgive yourself.
- Set boundaries even when you might be disappointing others.
Sometimes we have to make decisions that protect our energy and time. It’s ok and it’s normal, even if you might be disappointing someone you love.
If you can’t give 100% because your battery is at 0%, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to recharge. Then you can be fully present.
Sometimes the decision to love yourself first is the most selfless decision you can make.
Self-Love Is Essential for Success and Happiness
If you forget this entire article – remember this one thing.
If you want to be successful and happy in your relationships, career, and life in general, take the time to love yourself more. Loving yourself looks different to everyone, which is why you need to carve out time to get to know yourself.
Do you become energized spending time with other people or is your energy drained quickly in group situations?
Are you someone who enjoys having a lot of free time or do you prefer being busy?
Maybe you need to do a little extra work to love yourself if you’ve been exploited or made to feel like you’re not good enough.
If you want to be happy and succeed in anything, you have to love yourself first. Regardless of your background or your present situation.
Treat Yourself How You Deserve
There isn’t anyone on this Earth who can make you love yourself except you. So if you’re struggling to take care of yourself mentally, spiritually, or physically, it’s time to make a change.
If there’s anyone trying to stop you from learning to love yourself, walk away. It can be difficult to distance yourself, especially if you’re used to giving everything you have to and for others. But you owe it to yourself to leave relationships that drain you.
If this is a problematic area for you – schedule a call with me, but only if you’re ready to take your first steps toward a better relationship with yourself. I can help you implement self-love strategies that will elevate your relationships, professional success, and overall health.
https://drdivanyoung.com/individual-coaching-fix-your-life-african-american-therapist/
Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF Credentialed Master Certified Coach Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.
1. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/other-people-dont-think-youre-a-mess/