Overcoming Guilt and Shame to Harness the Power of Your Past

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

Feelings of guilt and shame are detrimental to your success and happiness.

Like any other human being, you’ve made mistakes — some big and some small. It’s important to remember you’re not alone in this. The most successful people have made plenty of mistakes.

The difference is they don’t let their mistakes define them.

Feeling guilty can serve as a positive motivator, helping you improve your behavior after making a mistake. But it can also stop you cold in your tracks.

On the other hand, shame isn’t a productive emotion. It can lead to a vicious cycle of self-doubt and self-contempt, hindering personal growth. Shame-prone individuals tend to engage in risky behaviors, such as substance abuse and criminal activity, even as they age¹.

Odds are you’re not engaging in criminal activity. But you probably still have unhealthy habits due to these emotions. Living with guilt and shame is harmful and shouldn’t be your constant.

When you’re trying to reach your professional goals, or you’re considering entering into the next stage of a serious relationship, it’s crucial you confront feelings of guilt and shame head-on. If you don’t process these emotions and identify where they’re coming from, they’ll influence your interactions with others.

Many of my clients come to me because they have a hard time reconciling their past with their desired future.

As an expert on human behavior and relationships, I know how these emotions harm our sense of self and prevent us from engaging in healthy habits and relationships.

This is why I help my clients address the past and view it as an opportunity for growth, rather than an ever-present reminder of failure and bad choices.

Why Do We Feel This Way?

Trust me when I say you’re not the only one who feels overwhelmed by guilt and shame. There are several reasons we can’t let go of these emotions easily.

You’ve seen a toddler cry when they wet themselves or fall down while playing, even if they don’t hurt themselves. You’ve probably also seen a child get embarrassed when people, especially other children, laugh at something they do.

The same things that are cute and endearing in a three-year-old can be seen as embarrassing in a five-year-old. Parents usually have good intentions and are concerned for the well-being and development of their children.

But they tend to be the same people who contribute to your feelings of guilt and shame early on.

If you’re the product of a dysfunctional household or you never experienced a nurturing bond with your guardians, you’re more likely to hold onto guilt and shame.

Left unchecked, it becomes a strategy to “cope” with non-acceptance².

Even if you had a secure childhood, other aspects of your environment can contribute to a tendency to underestimate your value and overestimate the magnitude of your mistakes and shortcomings. Having a bad experience with others outside of your household, including being bullied, is one example.

But blaming your caregivers and hanging on to your past isn’t going to help you move forward in a productive way.

You have to start healing guilt and shame. This is only possible when you face your past and start implementing what you’ve learned from it in the present.

The Importance of Letting Go of Guilt and Shame

I want to address the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt isn’t bad in every situation.

It can tell you that you need to accept responsibility when you behave in a harmful manner³. It only becomes a threat when you internalize it and continue to let it undermine your self-worth.

Experiencing guilt can help you:

Align your actions with your core values.
Make better decisions and avoid repeating mistakes.
Deepen your relationships when you’re willing to make changes.

But if you let guilt fester and don’t learn from it, it evolves into shame. Maybe you’ve acknowledged your guilt, but you still feel horrible. When you can’t fully forgive yourself, shame takes over.

And if you can’t forgive yourself, odds are others won’t forgive you either. People tend to treat you how you treat yourself.

Don’t let guilt and shame hold you back from experiencing growth and achieving happiness.

View these feelings as an opportunity to grow and be better, instead of a consequence you can’t escape.

The First Step

There’s a common theme in my articles of acceptance. Accepting yourself, flaws and all, is an important step in my recent pieces on finding love and stopping the cycle of feeling sorry for yourself.

Acceptance is a crucial and non-negotiable first step toward meaningful personal growth.

It applies to all facets of your life, including your personal relationships, self-esteem, professional success, and overall well-being.

If you don’t accept responsibility for your current situation and accept it as it truly is, you won’t be able to fully engage in the growth process. You’ll underestimate the amount of work you need to do.

To move on from constant feelings of guilt and shame, you have to accept:

Your role in the situation or events that made you accumulate these levels of guilt and shame.
That you are worthy of forgiveness from yourself and others.
These feelings are a guiding star leading you to a better version of yourself.
That this earlier version of you didn’t know better, but now you do.

You’re not doing anyone a favor by letting yourself wallow in guilt and shame. The longer you stay stuck in self-pity, the longer your current and future selves will suffer.

Letting these feelings take over will only lead to similar mistakes and behavior that further harms you and those around you.

Stop Living with Guilt and Shame

Healing guilt and shame takes more than just acceptance.

Once you’ve identified and accepted these feelings, you need to take consistent action to interrupt old thought patterns.

Acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them.

In relationships, this often means saying sorry. But it doesn’t stop there. You then have to use what you’ve learned to improve your approach to caring for that person.

You can’t use this strategy to manipulate someone into taking you back. Unless you’re sincere and ready to make real changes, it’s better to simply admit your mistakes and move on.

You can’t un-strike a match.

In a professional setting, this means taking responsibility. Seeking feedback from your teammates and management is a great way to improve.

Find your “why,” and attach your new approach to your core values. This strategy will significantly improve your chances of success.

Change your mindset.

It’s helpful to write down why you’re feeling guilt and shame, so you can also come up with rational counterarguments⁴. This process can help you release the heaviness you feel.

You’ll likely realize that your criticism of yourself is too harsh.

Refuse to repeat the same narrative.

When you’re still healing and experiencing feelings of guilt and shame, do your best to interrupt these emotions.

Instead of spiraling out, engage in healthy physical and mental exercises to distract yourself. But make sure you’ve already gone through the stages of acceptance, acknowledgment, and learning before you ignore these feelings.

Most of all, it’s important to avoid blaming yourself.

Nothing sets feelings of guilt and shame in motion like blaming yourself every time something happens.

Quit the Blame Game

I’ve had to work on releasing guilt and shame in my own life.

I remember shame related to my financial situation. Other times, I felt ashamed of my role in unhealthy relationships.

Eventually, I had to confront myself and my feelings to realize that my past did not define me. It empowered me to become the man I am today. Confronting the things that caused my guilt and shame gave me the motivation I needed to change my beliefs and behaviors. These feelings helped me figure out who I truly am.

Guilt and shame don’t have to be front and center in every decision you make. Allow your past to empower you, not imprison you.

Book a free discovery call with me if you’re struggling with overcoming guilt and shame. It’s one thing to refer to the past, but it’s another to be stuck in it. I can help you release these feelings through a process that’s unique to you and your goals.

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.