by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach
As someone who specializes in behavior and relationships, I frequently get questions about finding love.
It’s a common desire to want to experience love, but the act of “falling” into it may not be the best approach. Such a sudden drop often results in injuries and scarring.
The best relationships are formed through a combination of natural progression and intention.
If you’re finding love after heartbreak, relying on someone else to mend your broken heart is not recommended. If you’re finding love later in life, your preferences for love may be more defined. However, it’s crucial to avoid making hasty decisions out of desperation.
Whether you’ve had a recent breakup, never found real love, or you’re ready to start dating again after a period alone, you have to make sure you’re whole.
As part of my singles coaching program, I assist individuals in gaining clarity on their life goals and values. We work together to discover ways to foster healthy and valuable relationships based on mutual respect and shared principles.
It’s important to realize that in order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself.
While it may seem like you can have feelings for someone without self-love, having a healthy relationship without it is difficult. This lack of self-love can negatively impact both partners’ emotional well-being and decision-making abilities.
If you don’t love yourself, concentrate on enhancing your self-love and building authentic relationships with others.
Does Finding Love Within Yourself Lead to Better Relationships?
It’s important to understand that there are different types of self-love. Some can have a negative impact on relationships.
Narcissism is an example of this, where individuals are self-centered, arrogant, and demand attention without reciprocating it¹.
There are two types of narcissists. Grandiose narcissists have an inflated sense of self-worth, while vulnerable narcissists have low self-esteem.
Narcissists with high self-esteem may be more likely to end relationships when their self-perception is threatened². While this may be helpful in unhealthy relationships, it can also be detrimental to healthy ones.
Non-narcissistic individuals who are willing to compromise their goals or values for the sake of their relationships may maintain relationships, but they aren’t necessarily healthy and happy.
Simply put, an excess or shortage of self-love can damage relationships.
On the other hand, a healthy level of self-love and self-respect can aid in finding love that will last.
Even if finding love doesn’t happen immediately, embracing and valuing one’s true self is still a highly beneficial outcome.
Loving Yourself Can Help You Attract the Right Partner
Assessing the impact of self-esteem on different aspects of life is essential as it is closely tied to self-love.
Low self-esteem and excessive dependency on others can adversely affect your health and decision-making³.
Individuals who have low self-esteem and don’t love themselves are more likely to engage in detrimental activities such as:
- Consuming excessive amounts of alcohol or food, which threatens their well-being and relationships with others⁴.
- Entering codependent or abusive relationships.
- Neglecting their own needs, health, and safety to meet the needs of others.
When you have self-love and respect, you tend to engage in activities that improve your overall health and well-being.
This increases the chance of attracting partners who also prioritize self-care and value their physical, mental, and relationship health.
Achieving a sense of completeness within yourself can lead to finding love with others. It also allows you to be happy whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Finding Love in All the Wrong Places
It’s important to understand that seeking out a new relationship won’t necessarily fix any negative experiences you’ve had in the past. This often results in uneven, parasitic relationships where one or both partners are unhappy.
If you’re depending solely on your partner for financial support or validation, it’s imperative to recognize that this dynamic isn’t healthy. Your partner may be exploiting you, whether it’s deliberate or not.
It’s vital to maintain independence in any relationship. Codependency can impede cognitive development, problem-solving abilities, and emotional regulation. All of which are crucial for a healthy relationship⁵.
Being secure in yourself and your relationships benefits you in the short term and long term.
Avoid relying on others to fulfill any voids within yourself. This often leads to relationship problems.
You have to cultivate self-love if you truly want to form healthy relationships.
How to Cultivate Self-Love
Loving yourself can be a challenging task. If it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be so many resources dedicated to the topic.
As an accomplished authority on relationships and a Master Certified Coach, I strongly suggest adopting these practices:
- Self-awareness.
- Acceptance.
- Self-improvement
Understanding and accepting your strengths and weaknesses is crucial. You can’t be authentic with others if you aren’t honest with yourself.
You have to embrace and acknowledge your unique reality. Whether it’s your body shape, financial struggles, or sexual health issues, these imperfections make you who you are.
Once you’ve accepted yourself with all of your faults, move forward while letting what you’ve learned be your guide.
Based on these steps, my message to you is: love yourself for who you are while doing the work to become who you want to be. Focus on fulfilling your purpose and becoming the best version of yourself.
By doing so, finding love will not seem as daunting or overwhelming.
Finding Love as a Result of Loving Yourself
Finding love, the healthy kind that lasts, is a lot more challenging when you don’t know how to show yourself love.
The quote “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” should apply to your relationship with yourself. Show yourself love, even when you don’t think you deserve it.
Join my singles coaching program if you’re not sure where to start. I’ll help you develop the confidence and clarity you need to love yourself.
While I can’t guarantee that my coaching will result in finding love, it’s highly likely that upon completion of my program, you will feel empowered and free from the barriers that have prevented you from loving yourself.
This newfound self-love will undoubtedly lead to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others and, most importantly, with yourself.
Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.
PDF: [PDF] psyarxiv.com
- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC194072/
- https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Linda-Luecken/publication/253949782_Attachment_relationships_and_health_behavior_The_mediational_role_of_self-esteem/links/551d89ae0cf29dcabb02f942/Attachment-relationships-and-health-behavior-The-mediational-role-of-self-esteem.pdf
- https://psychotherapy.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.2012.66.3.259