by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach
Are you coming to the realization that you are not the person you aspire to be and you might be stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage? Is it possible that the habits and behaviors you once found satisfying or validating have now caused turmoil in every aspect of your life?
Take a moment to reflect on your actions and connect the dots.
If you hate where you work and who you work with, you’re struggling in your personal relationships, and your habits are unhealthy, it’s a sign.
You have the power to stop your self-sabotage behaviors, take responsibility, and make changes for a better future.
You can search for answers through meditation or prayer, but the greater truth is you already have the solution within you.
As an ICF Certified Master Coach, I assist my clients in identifying the obstacles that are preventing them from living their best lives. I collaborate with them to find effective solutions. By being intentional and working together, we overcome challenges and barriers that are holding them back.
This leads me to ask you one question. What do you need to accept, work on or release that’s holding you back?
It Starts With You
Romantic relationship issues are often helpful to refer to as self-sabotage examples.
Self-sabotage behavior in relationships is usually obvious to everyone except those inside the relationship.
When it comes to relationship difficulties, it can be helpful to view them as opportunities for personal growth. By reframing interpersonal issues as instances of self-sabotage, we can work towards self-improvement while resolving conflicts.
I have a vivid memory of a time when I was taking calls from fans on a radio station in New York City. A young woman reached out to express her struggles in finding a compatible partner.
When I asked her about the difficulties she encountered when looking for a suitable partner, she immediately placed blame on the men involved for her romantic setbacks.
- One was possessive.
- Another was too immature for her.
- The other one was emotionally unavailable.
- They were all desperate and developed strong feelings for her within weeks of dating.
So I asked her, “What do all these ‘desperate men’ have in common?”
Her answer was, “they’re all dysfunctional.”
My response was, “Wrong answer.”
I told her “What they actually had in common was you”.
This might sound harsh, but we’re often too close to our own issues to see our weaknesses.
When nobody calls out on your self-sabotage, you feel comfortable continuing to do business as usual. The cycle never stops. Self-sabotage is a contagion you keep passing on to yourself in one endeavor after another.
Unless you’re willing to accept and address it.
Self-Sabotage Is Contagious
While only you have the power to admit the part you play in your self-sabotage, you likely have influences that make it difficult to take responsibility.
Studies have shown that healthy familial relationships are crucial for one’s self-esteem and overall development. Even beyond adolescence, relationships with parents and guardians continue to impact self-esteem¹.
If you find yourself engaging in self-sabotage, it may be related to the people in your life.
This isn’t an excuse to blame others. It’s an opportunity to be mindful of who and what you surround yourself with.
If your parents, siblings, or friends, are constantly fighting with their partners or each other, it may be wise to distance yourself. This doesn’t mean cutting ties entirely, but rather leaving when things start to escalate or tension arises.
It’s also important to set boundaries and avoid getting involved in pointless arguments.
Your social interactions can greatly affect both your mental and physical health. Therefore, the quality of your social interactions plays a huge role in your decisions to care for yourself².
Ultimately, it’s up to you to change any self-sabotaging behaviors. Removing yourself from situations that exacerbate the issue can be a helpful step toward positive change.
How to Combat Self-Sabotage
While indulging in self-sabotage may seem normal for you and your loved ones, that doesn’t mean it’s ok.
It means you need to look at yourself, those around you, and the habits you’ve adopted that contribute to self-sabotage.
Interestingly, the internal saboteur is actually looking out for you by searching for potential threats to your well-being, both internally and externally.
However, this can lead to unintended negative outcomes as the default mode rarely considers the bigger picture.
With intention and practice, you can gain control over this self-sabotaging mechanism through self-awareness. Rest assured, you have the power to overcome this and achieve your desired goals.
So if you suspect you’re the problem, it’s time to take these steps.
Check In with Your Internal and External Influences
- Take inventory of your environment and your internal dialog.
Let’s get started by grabbing a pen and paper to write down the areas of your life that are causing problems.
Start with things that you can measure, like the number of unproductive conversations and confrontations with others.
Ask yourself, how often do these occur? Is it weekly, monthly, or even just once a quarter?
Even if it’s only happening a few times a year, that’s several times per year that your self-sabotaging habits are leading to struggle.
- Look at your circle and other external influences.
External influences aren’t limited to your close relationships. The content you consume through your favorite tv shows, social media channels, and podcasts are all leaving an imprint in your mind.
It’s possible that you may be surrounded by individuals who enable you and encourage your bad habits, rather than empower you. There’s a significant difference. Those who want to empower you will hold you accountable and point out what you need to work on. They will challenge you and encourage you to remain committed to your goals and vision for your life.
Your real friends aren’t people who talk behind your back or those who only tell you what you want to hear to your face.
The last step is the most uncomfortable part of this process.
Face the Self-Sabotage Alone
- Take time to be alone.
Embarking on a self-evolution journey entails a deep sense of self-awareness. It takes an unwavering commitment and dedication to achieve the desired outcome.
This is an individual journey, and no one else can take it for you. To succeed in this endeavor, you have to do some deep introspection.
It can feel lonely at times. This often pushes some to return to their self-sabotage, back to the familiar. They seek comfort in familiar addictions such as problematic relationships, unhealthy substances, or toxic environments.
Commit to Self-Evolution
It’s a difficult process, but you have to go through it if you want to come out of the other end changed for the better.
As with most changes relating to self-evolution, acceptance is the first step to overcoming self-sabotage.
Reframing your thoughts, living your ideal existence, and celebrating your achievements are vital stepping stones towards unlocking your full potential³.
If you want a different outcome, you have to change your daily habits and behaviors.
From Struggling Self-Saboteur to ICF Master Certified Coach
Like you, I was once a perpetrator of self-sabotage. I won’t say I was a victim because I was the one doing it to myself.
There was a season of my life dominated by intoxicating but unhealthy hedonistic relationships with other people and substances.
I was looking for what I believed to be love in all the wrong places.
Looking back, I now understand that I was trying to discover the best version of myself by relying on sex, people, a self-indulgent lifestyle, and material possessions. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was wasting time I’d never get back while watching meaningful moments go up in the smoke of a joint. This happened far too often.
Finally, I took a look at my life and myself.
I realized I didn’t like who I had become. The reality did not match the image I had of myself.
Once I accepted that I was my problem, I could see that I was also the only one who was able to become my solution.
Now I help others who are struggling with self-sabotage become their own person. A person who participates in daily habits and interactions that promote their well-being and goals, rather than counteract them.
If you’re ready to show your self-sabotage the door, give me a call. My coaching for individuals is what you need if you’re looking for help establishing your goals, determining the next steps, and maintaining your progress.
I’m here for you and I’ll give you the real talk you need.
Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.
- https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/epdf/10.1080/02673843.1998.9747815?needAccess=true&role=button
- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8647624/
3. https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=4425410