by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach
You never predict having to forgive yourself because someone else won’t — or can’t — forgive you.
Ideally, your relationships end after you share a long, fruitful life together. But with many relationships, this isn’t the case. Relationships ending is a normal part of life, yet it can mess you up, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
But if you can learn to forgive yourself, it doesn’t have to keep you down for long.
All of us have made decisions that seemed right at the time but weren’t good choices in retrospect.
Maybe you:
- Were trying to protect yourself from being hurt
- Feel like you need to forgive yourself for what you did in survival mode. Those times when you felt desperate and like you didn’t have any other choice.
- Need to forgive yourself for not knowing better.
It’s imperative to remember that we’re not always in control of what happens around us.
No matter what you need to be forgiven for, forgiving yourself is more than a step toward healing. It’s protecting your well-being.
It can lead you to become a better version of yourself — if you’re willing to forgive yourself first before expecting anyone else to offer you forgiveness.
When my clients are struggling to forgive themselves, I help them move forward through a process of self-acceptance, self-examination, and reconciliation. This deeply introspective process isn’t fun or easy, but the payoff is worth it.
As an expert on behavior and relationships, I can tell you one thing is certain.
You can find peace, even when you can’t get forgiveness from others.
Forgive Yourself for past Mistakes
You must begin the process of self-acceptance before you can expect anyone else to embrace you for who you genuinely are, flaws and all.
To move forward and benefit from your mistakes, you have to view self-forgiveness as a process.
It requires not only admitting you made a mistake, but also figuring out what within you caused you to stray from your idea of what’s right¹.
Then, you have to be willing to make changes based on what your introspection reveals.
Saying “sorry” may come easily, but it doesn’t necessarily signify genuine remorse or a willingness to make essential changes. Likewise, admitting to a mistake doesn’t always equate to fully forgiving yourself or others.
In either scenario, such attitudes can hinder progress toward making positive and often necessary changes that could significantly enhance your life.
While the definition of self-forgiveness can vary, the general consensus by researchers is that it consists of self-acceptance, accountability, and an effort to change².
The hard part is, that sometimes the changes you make won’t restore your relationship with someone you hurt. When this is the case, the changes are for your benefit, as well as the benefit of your future relationships.
In many situations, you have to forgive yourself first.
The other person might not forgive you, but that’s not within your control.
Forgive Yourself for Not Knowing Better
Relationships don’t usually end because of one event or mistake. It’s often an accumulation of differences in your personalities, goals, lifestyles, and treatment of each other.
In these scenarios, it can be hard to know where it all went wrong.
And you might not know what to forgive yourself for. Even if you didn’t clearly betray or hurt someone, you can still learn valuable lessons about yourself and how you show up in your relationships.
We all play a part in the highs and lows of our connections with others.
So use this time to figure out what you want and need, as well as what you can do to improve yourself as a person and partner.
Forgive yourself for not knowing exactly what your past partners needed and for making some mistakes. Because everyone has been there and you’ll probably be there again.
Whether you’re currently going through a breakup or you’ve been single for a while and you’re on a journey of self-forgiveness, remember that your past mistakes don’t define you. Your future relationships, both romantic and platonic, don’t have to end the same way.
Let’s talk about how you can begin to forgive yourself no matter what your situation is.
How to Forgive Yourself
If you’re struggling to forgive yourself after your relationship has ended, there’s no magic cure.
But there are a few steps you can take to begin the process of self-forgiveness and find closure.
- Celebrate what you’ve had.
This doesn’t apply to abusive or manipulative relationships. If you’ve experienced something like that, it’s best to seek help from a certified coach and therapist.
When there’s trauma involved, it’s a different process. You may have to give yourself more time.
You may feel like you need to forgive yourself for letting yourself get involved with that person, but you’re not the bad guy in this scenario. Try to move forward, with the help of loved ones and qualified professionals, so you can learn what you want and need in a relationship.
However, in other scenarios, take some time to appreciate your relationship.
Find peace in the great memories you have and the lessons you’ve learned. Every relationship can bring value to your life, even after it ends.
- Understand that who you were then doesn’t have to be who you are going forward.
This applies whether you made a series of small mistakes or one big mistake.
If you received some feedback, even if it was communicated in a hurtful way, try to assess its validity. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t take whatever someone says when they’re hurt at face value, but consider where they’re coming from and if you can learn something about yourself.
You don’t need to place blame on yourself or anyone else.
In order to forgive yourself you have to stop the blame and shame game so you can view yourself and your situation more clearly.
- Identify what you want and need in future relationships.
This includes what you need from someone else and what you need to cultivate within yourself.
How do you want to show up? What are the non-negotiable qualities and values you’re looking for? This applies to future friendships, romantic partners, and familial relationships?
Writing it down can help you get a clearer view of your desires and needs.
When You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong but Still Need to Forgive Yourself
Some relationships, no matter what they bring to the table, take so much more from the room. You’re better off alone than in a relationship like this.
When someone chooses to let you go or you choose to let them go, the grieving process can still involve guilt. Sometimes there’s nothing you need to forgive yourself for, but it feels like there is.
There are times you didn’t do anything wrong and you’re a victim of your environment, but you can’t forgive yourself. This is usually because you, or others, have led you to believe that what happened is your fault.
The steps above still apply even if you have nothing to forgive yourself for.
Forgiving yourself for mistakes, both minor and major, lends to greater resilience³. In other words, you can prepare yourself for handling future missteps by learning to forgive yourself. Ideally, before you destroy your self-confidence and impede your own judgment.
Self-Forgiveness from the View of an ICF Master Certified Coach
I’ve had to make the difficult decision to end a relationship many times.
I’ve realized that when it’s not a matter of right or wrong, it can be tempting to blame yourself when relationships don’t end the way you want them to end. But each relationship has taught me something about myself and my values.
I’ve had to forgive myself for the role I played in these expired relationships. And this process has set me free.
I encourage you to forgive yourself. Only then can you improve yourself and your relationships.
If you need more encouragement, empowerment, and guidance, sign up for my email list. I can give you more support there.
Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.