Yelling. Screaming. Fighting. Couples who can’t seem to get along may realize that divorce is the only option. But, going through a divorce is never easy, especially when dealing with an emotionally abusive partner. There are many difficult choices that have to be made, and emotions often run high. But all of this can be especially painful when you are trying to leave an abusive spouse.
Abuse can take many forms and may not involve physical violence. Many experts agree that emotionally abusive partners can cause more scarring than actual physical abuse. If you are in the process of divorcing an emotionally abusive partner, there are steps you can take to protect yourself. If you recognize specific patterns, many times you can stay one step ahead of the abusive partner. You may not part friends, but you can help avoid a toxic, disruptive scene if you have the right plan in place before you start divorce proceedings.
Recognizing an emotionally abusive partner
Not every argument or conflict between two people is necessarily abusive. One thing that all forms of abuse have in common is the issue of control. An abuser is obsessive about trying to control all aspects of his or her victim’s life. Some of the common symptoms of an emotionally abusive partner include:
- Degrading or shaming language
- Constant criticism or accusations
- “Gaslighting” (the attempt to convince a person that he or she is “crazy”)
- Manipulative language or behavior
- Attempts to manipulate others outside of the marriage (such as trying to discredit the victim, or encouraging others to insult or belittle the victim)
- Withholding affection (the “silent treatment”)
- Refusing to accept responsibility for one’s own actions
As you can see, emotional abuse can happen in many different ways. This can make it difficult to know how to respond when it happens. One important resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) which helps victims of every form of abuse.
How to leave an emotionally abusive partner
First and foremost, if you are in danger, consider calling someone to help you get to a safe place. Maybe you’ve made the decision to end an abusive marriage. This is a courageous and important step, but the sad fact is, abusive behaviors can escalate when victims try to leave for good. It is important to take every step you can to protect yourself and plan ahead so that your abusive partner doesn’t try to block your every move.
Before you serve the papers, seek legal advice and professional counseling so you can prepare mentally for the next big step. In order to attempt an amicable divorce, it’s important to get the guidance you need. One way to avoid drawn-out legal proceedings is to attempt to negotiate an amicable divorce, also known as a no-contest divorce, by having both parties agree to all terms, such as property separation and child custody in a safe place like a counselor’s office or attorney meeting. Sometimes attorneys, mediators, or therapists help divorcing couples negotiate these terms more effectively than if you try on your own.
If you want to attempt an amicable divorce from an emotionally abusive partner, here are some of the steps you should consider:
- Find outside support. Taking care of yourself (and your children, if you have any) can be very difficult during an emotionally trying time. You are going to need all of the support you can get. A support group, counselor, therapist, or life coach can be a great source of much-needed guidance. Be transparent about your emotionally abusive partner so that your friends and family can help support you. Protect the children at all costs from any unhealthy scenes with your abusive partner by calling on friends to babysit when needed.
- Get professional legal advice. It can be tempting to save money by trying to handle your divorce own your own. But if you are dealing with an emotionally abusive partner, you need to make sure your human rights and finances are protected. Consult with an attorney to determine the best way for you to move forward.
- Document everything you need. You’ll need copies of all your financial documents and an inventory of your valuable belongings. You should also document your spouse’s past and current emotionally abusive behaviors to share with your attorney.
- Focus on what matters. Divorce is not about “winning” or getting revenge after being treated badly. It is about creating a better life for yourself. Your priority should be keeping yourself and your family safe and financially secure. Sometimes you may have to just let go of the past so you can move on from toxic patterns of the abusive partner.
- Always be honest. Your attorney and your support system can only help you if they have all the information they need. In addition, if you try to hide things (such as assets) from your spouse, you could end up in serious trouble. It’s important to be upfront and honest at all times.
- Break old patterns. If your emotionally abusive partner has habitual routines, it’s possible that you have fallen into a toxic home life. How do you interact with people outside your marriage? Divorce is an opportunity to learn new communication styles and start practicing better self-care. Try to avoid fighting and bickering with your emotionally abusive partner. Most likely, this has become a controlling mechanism and doesn’t accomplish anything positive.
- Don’t go through it alone. Maybe the most important thing to understand about divorce is that you don’t have to go through it alone. It can be a frightening, painful, and complicated process. You will need guidance and advice while you go through it, and support is available. Who can you call to help you navigate the rough waters?
How can a counselor help?
An educated and experienced life coach and counselor can help provide one-on-one counseling and couples counseling when you need it the most – especially during a separation or divorce. Having a professional in the room when you break the news or discuss custody for your children can help streamline the conversation and help diffuse emotional abuse patterns. It can be invaluable to have a professional perspective while you pursue a new and better life for yourself. If you are in interested in learning more about emotional abuse, abusive partners and how to heal from a divorce, contact Dr. D Ivan Young at 877-508-2025.