Falling Out of Love: How to Know When It’s Time to Move On

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

It’s not uncommon to fall out of love in a committed relationship. All relationships go through stages where you don’t necessarily feel “in love” with your partner, despite the fact you still care deeply for them. Sometimes, this is a temporary slump. Other times, there’s an underlying issue – or issues.

There are things that can definitely push your relationship past the point of no return.

It’s not uncommon for couples to stay together long after the love is gone. It makes the decision even harder when there are children involved or when there are other extenuating circumstances.

But sometimes saying goodbye can be the best decision for everyone involved.

So how do you know when it’s the right option?

Knowing that goodbyes are a normal part of life doesn’t make it any easier to say them. Goodbyes can lead to new opportunities, growth, and healthier relationships, but it’s hard to remember that when you’re facing one¹.

I help my clients find the clarity needed to make difficult life-changing decisions. Going through my individual coaching program helps clients find and confront their blind spots. As an ICF-credentialed Master-Certified Coach, I use evidence and research-based methodologies that help you gain the confidence you need to make tough, healthy decisions.

First, it’s important to understand why you might be falling out of love.

Falling Out of Love With Someone Can Be Temporary or Permanent

Can you fall out of love temporarily? The short answer is yes. You might not be feeling love toward your partner right now. This is normal. During such seasons it’s critical that you consider how and what extenuating circumstances are affecting your lives individually and collectively.

What if you’re experiencing a huge life change that’s putting a strain on your relationship?

Life is full of change. Certain changes, such as having children, a shift in your financial situation, or losing a loved one, create tension and stress that can rattle even the strongest relationships². Falling out of love after infidelity is understandable, yet so many couples are able to work through this situation too.

Sometimes all you need is time to settle into your new circumstances. Other times, the damage is irrevocable.

Before you call it quits, think about how your situation could be impacting your feelings toward this other person. Have you really fallen out of love with them permanently? Or have you fallen out of love with your current circumstances?

When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

Unless you’re experiencing abuse in your relationship, it can be unclear whether it’s the right choice to leave your relationship. This is especially true if you’re married or you’ve been together for a long time. Even if your relationship is unhealthy, gaining the courage to leave usually isn’t easy³.

There are certain ways to tell if you’re falling out of love permanently and it might be healthier – for everyone – if you leave.

While these situations don’t always mean it’s the end, they can be a sign you either need to leave or get help. Here are some signs that you CANNOT ignore:

Conversations are redundant and hostility and tension are ever-present.

When tense conversations with your partner, especially those surrounding a betrayal or loss of trust, are constant, the issue runs deep. If you aren’t able to figure out how to move forward, it’s a sign that you either need to leave or get professional help. The blame game will get you nowhere.

If you’re falling out of love, but don’t want to break up, working with a qualified professional will help you gain clarity. Then you can determine if your relationship is salvageable or if it’s dysfunctional co-dependence.

You look forward to leaving home rather than coming home.

Everyone has days they don’t want to go home and face their usual responsibilities. But if you’re always dreading going home, there’s likely a deeper issue you need to resolve.

When you have young children, coming home at the end of the day might remind you of your duty to your family. Yet when couples stay together for their children, it often does far more harm than good. You’re teaching your children mediocrity. You’re setting them up to remain in dysfunctional relationships later is life due to the example you’re setting.

Maybe you don’t have children, but the thought of coming home to your partner fills you with dread. If that’s the case, it’s time to do some deep introspection and prepare yourself to make a difficult decision.

You have no more respect for your partner.

Falling out of love is one thing, but losing all respect or appreciation for your partner is another.

Even in healthy relationships, you may not feel “in love” all the time, but you still respect your partner as a person.

When your partner has done something that’s made you lose all faith in them, falling out of love is less of an issue. It all comes down to if you can start to view them as a person you respect and trust again. And not just someone who’s betrayed you.

When infidelity or dishonesty has occurred, it’s best to seek out professional help.

Ultimately, the decision to end your relationship is up to you and your partner. Wise counsel can make this process less turbulent.

Why Does Falling Out of Love Feel Like You’ve Lost Yourself?

Falling out of love with someone you’ve been with for a long time, or someone you fell head over heels for quickly, can lead to a loss of clarity about yourself.

We often hear people say they don’t know who they are after exiting a relationship. This is especially common in subsuming relationships. This is where one person gives up most of their independence when merging their life with their partner’s life⁴.

On the other hand, leaving a relationship can teach you a lot about yourself and your needs. Regardless of whether that relationship is healthy or unhealthy.

The important thing is to be open to growth and give yourself time to mourn your relationship before you jump into another one.

After the Love Is Gone

As we’ve discovered, sometimes falling out of love can be a temporary side effect of stressful or unusual circumstances. Other times it can be a permanent loss resulting from growing apart, betrayal, or a life-altering event.

While this article covers the basics of determining if your loss of love is a passing disruption or a lasting wedge between you, only you know what’s best for you and your relationship.

If you’ve fallen out of love but still have hope, working with a Master-Certified Coach and possibly even a therapist can help you get to the root cause of the majority of your issues. Having the right team can assist you with determining the best course of action.

Falling out of love isn’t always the end. Sometimes it can lead to a renewal of love and gratitude for each other. This results in a stronger relationship. Other times, it can mean a new beginning if you decide to leave a toxic or unhappy relationship.

The longer you settle for discontent, the longer you’re delaying your happiness. Book a call with me if you’re ready to strengthen your relationship with yourself and do what’s best for you.

High Net Worth and Ultra-High Net Worth Individual (HNI) (UHNW) Concierge Coaching Program

Read my blog on loving yourself to further learn how to strengthen your relationships with others

True Happiness Comes After You Learn to Love Yourself

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.