by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach
If you’re a doctor, lawyer, or other licensed professional, there are times when you need to choose your career over love.
I’m not saying you can’t have both. But when it comes to a life partner or even someone you’re casually dating, you must choose carefully.
You’ve spent much time, money, and resources on obtaining your license or certification. Whether you had to pass state boards or the Bar Exam, you’ve come too far to risk all that you’ve earned.
As an established professional, you must take dating seriously.
As a highly qualified ICF Master Certified Coach, I’ve worked with many accomplished professionals over the years. They’ve achieved remarkable success in their professional lives, but many of them have found it challenging to navigate their love life.
When you’re a well-established professional with abundant resources, finding a suitable partner can be an intricate task. Most professionals don’t have the time to devote to actively pursuing a relationship. But, like everyone else, they have a deep desire for a meaningful connection with a compatible partner.
When you don’t take care in choosing your partner, you end up having to choose your career over love. Or you settle for Mr. or Ms. Right Now in lieu of Mr. or Ms. Perfect Fit. And that’s if you’re lucky. Whoever you date, live with, or even marry can either end up supporting or sabotaging your career.
So when does choosing a career over love make sense?
Should Age Play a Role in Your Decision to Choose Career over Love?
It’s never too late to pursue your dream or find someone to share your life with. Of course, age imposes some limitations. It can make it more difficult to have children or pursue certain time-sensitive goals.
Therefore, you must plan. Figure out your ideal timeline and allow for some challenges.
Even if you want to find a life partner within a certain season of your life, you shouldn’t spend all your time and energy looking. Real love will find you when you focus on:
- Figuring out what you value most.
- What you want out of life.
- How you can be a better individual and partner.
Perhaps what you want from life at this moment is a successful career and a reputable brand.
In this case, temporarily putting your career over love might be what you need to do. But that doesn’t mean you have to close yourself off to meaningful companionship. It just means you should be intentional and have high standards for yourself and your current or future partner.
Therefore, your age shouldn’t be the sole determinant of choosing your professional life over your personal life. The “when” matters less than the “why” and “how” in most cases.
Pros and Cons of Choosing Your Career over Love
Choosing to prioritize your professional ambitions over your romantic relationships can have a positive impact on your personal growth and long-term objectives.
It’s worth noting that obtaining a professional license or certification requires an immense amount of time, effort, and dedication. You can pursue such goals after starting a family, but it can be much more difficult. It’s important to be realistic and understand that the demands of a partner, children, and even pets can take up a lot of your time and attention. This makes it harder to focus on your career aspirations.
It can help to find someone whose goals are compatible with yours. It’s sometimes difficult for dual-career couples to keep up with professional and personal demands². But you have an advantage if you and your partner are both successful already. You can figure out your normal from the beginning. You may avoid some of the major conflicts that result from career and lifestyle changes.
Choosing your career over love can also give you time to figure out who you truly want to be and how to get there.
When pursuing your professional goals, you’ll likely:
- Learn more about yourself and grow as a person¹.
- Hone in on what you love to do so you can follow your passion.
- Find it easier to pursue your personal goals once you’ve set yourself up in your career.
- Find that your new prowess can shift your perspective and your priorities.
Choosing a career over love early on in your professional life isn’t for everyone.
If you go this route, you might lack the support that a healthy romantic relationship can provide. But again, this might not be your situation. You may have enough support from your other relationships and are whole within yourself. Not everyone is under the delusion that they need someone to complete them. If that’s you, you’re already miles ahead of most people mentally and emotionally.
There’s nothing wrong with preferring to work on yourself and your goals before you get involved with someone else.
Conversely, you might find that prioritizing your career has had a detrimental effect on your happiness and well-being. Whatever the case, make sure you check in with yourself and revisit your goals and needs on a consistent basis.
Pros and Cons of Having a Partner Before You Get Established
If you’re a licensed professional who’s already in a committed relationship, there are several advantages to this.
You can benefit from:
- Having more financial security because your partner is successful on their own.
- Already sharing the same life goals and having each other’s backs.
But there are potential cons. You have to assess your relationship. If you’re in a dysfunctional, codependent relationship, it can be far more difficult to let go. But if your relationship is not serving you and your goals, you must. The sooner you get up the courage to release yourself from the dysfunction and turmoil, the better.
If You Already Have a Partner or If You’re Looking For One…
Be intentional.
Choosing your career over love is the right decision if you notice consistent warning signs. Don’t brush it off if your partner or potential partner:
1. Has psychological, emotional, or behavioral issues.
It’s not up to you to fix them, because you can’t. You’ve put in the work on yourself, and they need to do the same. If they aren’t willing to, no matter how long you’ve been together, they likely aren’t the right person for you.
It’s easy to stay in a dysfunctional relationship once it’s become familiar. But, the longer you put off leaving, the worse it gets. This is especially true when children are involved. You’re teaching your kid(s) mediocrity and dysfunctional codependency.
2. Is reckless with what they post on social media or how they behave in social situations.
As a professional, your reputation is everything. Whether you’re a doctor, lawyer, or public figure, it’s essential to have control over your emotions and behavior. Failure to do so can have disastrous consequences.
That’s why it’s crucial to surround yourself with people who have a similar level of emotional intelligence. Pay attention to your partner’s social media and public behavior. Remember, their actions reflect back on you and your brand. If you’re a public figure, it’s even more critical to be mindful of who you associate with.
If your significant other is associated with extreme political or social groups that go against your core values or is practicing immoral behavior like cheating on you, is it really worth risking your career and everything you’ve worked for? The answer is a resounding no.
Protect your sanity, your reputation, and your future by being selective about who you allow into your inner circle.
3. Shows you they don’t care about the potential consequences of their words and actions.
If your significant other tells you anything like, “I’m doing me”, “mind your business”, or “you knew this was who I was when you met me”, it’s not a good sign. Odds are, they’re not a supportive, productive partner.
If you value what you’ve built, choosing your career over love is the right choice in this situation.
4. Associates with the wrong crowd.
While your significant other might not be the direct problem, the people they hang out with might be dangerous for your reputation.
Early on in my coaching career, I had a few clients who were professional athletes. One night, we were headed to a party, and a guy who was in the car with us asked to make a stop. We stopped in a rough neighborhood where there was activity that could have tainted all our careers.
My client, who’s now a retired NFL player, insisted that we leave to protect all of us. He had the awareness to leave a situation that wasn’t right for him, his public image, and his career.
You don’t have to be an NFL superstar to use discretion. Setting boundaries and refusing to associate with harmful people or activities doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone else. It just means you’re thinking about your long-term interests. If you don’t, who will?
You can’t control others, but you can control who you allow into your life.
It’s foolish to spend time perfecting your gifts and talents only to lose them because of someone else’s stupid decisions.
Advice from an ICF Master Certified Coach
Ultimately, choosing your career over love forever isn’t what I’m advocating for. I encourage you to choose professional success AND love. Don’t sacrifice all that you’ve built for someone who’s not worth it, but make sure you don’t sacrifice those who are worth it for your career.
As I wrote in my book, Break Up, Don’t Break Down, it’s a problem when you look forward to leaving home more than coming home.
So make sure whoever you let into your life has your back and cares about your goals.
After all the work you’ve put into making your dreams come true, you can’t afford not to.
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Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.