by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

Code-switching is something you learn before you can crawl and it develops as you age. 

It becomes ingrained in your subconscious. Throughout your life, it influences the way you communicate with others. It enables you to handle situations where your sense of self may be threatened or tested. 

It’s common when you’re exposed to someone of a different:

• age.
• race.
• nationality.
• gender.
• culture.
• and even socioeconomic status.  

This instinct is especially prevalent if you’re part of a marginalized community. If this is the case, you’re likely all too familiar with this protective habit. 

But, I must warn you, as much as this can protect you it can be equally detrimental. 

As an African-American Man, I know this firsthand.

When code-switching becomes habitual, you can start to lose who you really are.

As an expert on human behavior and relationships, I’ve seen all types of code-switching. I have, and still do, experience subtle bias and racism as an African-American man in the South. But I don’t allow those things to prevent me from achieving my personal and professional goals. 

I’ve developed the ability to differentiate between code-switching that violates my values and mindful code-switching that serves my best interests. 

Being aware of this difference helps me to better connect and communicate with individuals who have little or nothing in common with me.

Regardless of your situation, my advice is the same.

Be true to yourself. Otherwise, you’ll lose yourself somewhere along the way. 

When and Why Do We Start Code-Switching?

The moment you seek validation from your caregivers, you start learning to code-switch.You adjust your behavior and language based on how they respond. 

As early as nine months old, you realize how you perform has a great deal to do with getting what you want. By this age, you can distinguish between an approving tone and a disapproving one. You’re able to analyze body language and facial expressions.

By the age of two, you’ve mastered reading the expressions of your caregivers and others. 

At age three you’ve become a pint-sized expert at reading others. You check for a response to see if it’s okay to grab that bright and shiny object from the table.

By the time you’ve reached five, you’re a seasoned master at testing the limits. For the first time, you can competently survey the room in the blink of an eye to see what you can and can’t get away with. 

You make quick work of checking to see if you have permission to put the cookie in your mouth. You wait for a reaction when you begin crossing the threshold of a room someone told you not to enter. 

So even as a child, you know that code-switching is a versatile tool. You can use it for everything from creating strategic play yard partnerships to putting on the pouty face to avoid punishment.

But as we’ve established, it can be harmful to your sense of self later in life. 

So how can you prevent harmful code-switching?

First, identify why you use code-switching because it can be a good thing. The ability to assimilate and adapt is powerful when done at the right time for the right reasons. 

It’s great to be respectful of authority figures, including our parents, guardians, and teachers. 

But if you’re code-switching to prevent conflict or even embarrassment at the expense of your real feelings or beliefs, this is when it can be harmful. 

Of course, avoiding this is easier said than done. 

But you have to choose between being comfortable and being true to yourself. 

Let’s look at some examples of code-switching. We’ll compare beneficial code-switching to the damaging kind. 

Common Code-Switching Examples

The definition of code-switching has expanded to include not only changing your language and communication style to fit in but also your behavior and appearance⁴. 

Code-switching can look like:

• Alternating between languages when you’re speaking with different people.
• Acting a certain way around someone you just met, but acting like yourself when you’re with friends.  
• Cussing in front of your friends, but using polite language around those you hold in high esteem. 
• Using colloquialisms in conversations with others from your own race or culture, but avoiding this language when speaking with those outside of your culture and race. 

These are only a few examples. Code-switching essentially covers all forms of communication, even nonverbal, between individuals. 

While code-switching might seem fake, this instinctual shift can be the result of racism, bigotry, self-loathing, and other cultural biases that make individuals uncomfortable or afraid of being themselves.

There are good and bad reasons for code-switching. 

Goals of Code-Switching Communication

When you code-switch, you likely have one of the following goals. 

1. Gain acceptance.
2. Get what you want.
3. Avoid embarrassment or vulnerability. 

If you feel physically threatened, code-switching can protect you for a short period of time. I’m not saying to never code-switch. Code-switching may work well for a while in certain circumstances. But it’s a disaster when it becomes your way of life. 

If you’re simply afraid of what others think, I’m giving you permission and encouragement to drop the mask and show yourself. 

My advice is simple, go where you’re celebrated, not tolerated.

If someone doesn’t appreciate your true self, it’s not meant to be.

When Code-Switching Is Benign

So you probably change your language when you’re talking to an authority figure or someone you admire.

This version of code-switching is normal and is born out of respect rather than defensiveness. 

Changing the way you speak with those you love or admire is natural. This compliance approach might look like mostly speaking a family member’s preferred language, even though you might find it easier to speak in another¹. 

In these cases, you’re code-switching to make things easier on someone else. This isn’t inherently harmful.

It’s only destructive to your success and happiness when you’re making others comfortable at your own expense. 

Code-Switching Can Harm Your Chances of Success

It’s often difficult to fight against the temptation to code-switch. It’s tempting when you’re communicating with individuals you view as more influential.

After all, language is powerful. It can be used to manipulate and gain control². 

We all make assumptions based on someone’s language and behavior. If you’re in a minority speaking with someone who’s not, you likely code-switch to sound more like them because of cultural and racial biases. 

Projecting a false image of yourself may feel like a protective measure. But in actuality, it can harm your well-being and hinder your chances of success. 

The effort required to maintain such a facade can be emotionally draining. 

Furthermore, by concealing your true self, you deny others the chance to truly get to know you. 

For individuals with high levels of intelligence, appreciating diversity is often an ingrained trait. If your current surroundings lack inclusivity, it may be worth seeking out a more diverse and accepting environment. You can’t restrict yourself and expect to achieve your full potential.

It’s difficult to be the voice that speaks against what’s commonly accepted or believed.

We’ve seen the consequences of not speaking up against what is wrong in the last few years. As a country, we continue to experience division, bias, bigotry, and racism. Code-switching is the internal enemy of what’s right. 

Unless you choose your true self, your lack of authenticity will make it hard for you to reach new heights.

The attempt to be all things to all people only causes internal stress and anxiety. Left unchecked, this needless stress can manifest as physical illness. 

Being able to be who you are is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Of course, it can be difficult to stop engaging in harmful code-switching. But the benefits far outweigh the costs.

Code-Switching in the Workplace

Code-switching in the workplace can be reasonable or dangerous.

You don’t behave the same way in front of your boss as you do in front of your friends. This is a reasonable form of code-switching. It’s based on your environment and the presence of authority.

However, when the underlying motivation for code-switching is to gain acceptance, there might be a bigger issue. If your language and behavior are generally characterized as unprofessional or offensive, that’s a problem with your surroundings, not with you. 

Recent studies have shown that Black or multiracial individuals often feel the need to alter their natural way of speaking to sound more professional³. 

Engaging in this type of code-switching can be damaging to one’s sense of self and identity. It’s important to consider whether this behavior stems from the belief that one’s language or behavior is inherently wrong or inferior based on their race, cultural origin, nationality, or sexual identity. 

If that’s the case, it’s time to embrace your true self. If you can’t accept yourself, how can others?

When you feel like you can’t be your authentic self around coworkers, family, or friends, it’s time to make changes.

I understand the desire to fit in and be accepted as an equal. 

Changing this behavior can be challenging, especially if it’s due to a historically biased and bigoted culture. But despite the difficulties, it’s worth the effort. 

It’s essential to honor and respect yourself to unleash your full potential. Only then can you become the person you’re meant to be.

How to Stop Unhealthy Code-Switching 

Overcoming your instinct to code-switch when your identity feels threatened is challenging. It requires a few shifts. 

1. Determine when and why you code-switch.

This will help you determine when code-switching aligns with your values. You’ll also notice when it stifles your voice. 

2. Get clear on your values and who you are.

This isn’t something you can do once and never revisit. Introspection is a lifelong process. It helps you stay aligned with your goals and values.

3. Get uncomfortable.

Code-switching can provide a sense of temporary comfort and safety. However, when you find yourself code-switching to protect an aspect of your identity that’s perceived negatively, it’s important to challenge that perception. 

Every individual deserves respect and dignity, including yourself.

YOU are unique and special. 

Embrace your individuality and use it to challenge discriminatory views. 

Remember, our differences make us stronger. By staying true to yourself, you can make a difference in the world. 

4. Distance yourself from people and environments that make you feel the need to code-switch. 

This isn’t always easy to do, especially if you need your job or you’re financially dependent on someone. 

If you can’t immediately distance yourself, seek some professional help. 

If you’re: 

• Struggling with self-confidence.
• Having a hard time staying committed to your goals and values. 
• Not sure who you want to be.

Expert guidance is exactly what you need. 

Having someone who can empathize with your struggles and hold you accountable can make all the difference. By partnering with a master-certified coach, you can confidently overcome any obstacles and achieve your desired outcomes despite your circumstances. 

An ICF Master Certified Coach’s Experience with Code-Switching

I used to engage in code-switching in both my professional and personal life. 

As a Black man, I have often felt offended when people start using slang or “hood speak” when interacting with me. However, I must admit that I have also participated in code-switching to feel accepted. 

When I was younger, I used to talk to my white male peers in a different way than I would to my fraternity brothers or people I had life-long relationships with, all to fit in and be accepted. 

All people do this. 

• Men do it when women walk in and join the group.
• Women do it when men join the conversation. 
• We shift our language and tone when talking to different age groups.
• When we fear judgment or feel that others won’t accept us, we’re prone to self-sabotage.

However, just because it’s normal to code-switch in certain situations doesn’t mean it should become your default. I’ve learned the best thing to do to further my aspirations is to be true to myself and be the best version of who I am.

For many of us, this isn’t easy. 

But it’s healthy and the cost of hiding our true selves is too great, for us and others. 

So if you’ve lost yourself and need help rediscovering what you value in yourself and others, book a call with me. I’ve been there. And as the result of much introspection, I’ve learned how to effectively code-switch and avoid compromising my values. 

I can help you do the same. If you’re currently pursuing bigger goals than ever before and you need help staying true to yourself, please reach out. 

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.   

1. https://www.degruyter.com/document/doi/10.2478/v10016-007-0003-x/html 
2. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/365989621_Claire_Kramsch_Language_as_Symbolic_Power_Cambridge_University_Press_2021_pp_279 
3. https://www.mdpi.com/2313-5778/6/3/75/pdf 

4. https://sites.psu.edu/decisionneurolab/files/2021/09/Johnson2021_Article_Social-CognitiveAndAffectiveAn.pdf

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

Are you coming to the realization that you are not the person you aspire to be and you might be stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage? Is it possible that the habits and behaviors you once found satisfying or validating have now caused turmoil in every aspect of your life? 

Take a moment to reflect on your actions and connect the dots. 

If you hate where you work and who you work with, you’re struggling in your personal relationships, and your habits are unhealthy, it’s a sign. 

You have the power to stop your self-sabotage behaviors, take responsibility, and make changes for a better future. 

You can search for answers through meditation or prayer, but the greater truth is you already have the solution within you.

As an ICF Certified Master Coach, I assist my clients in identifying the obstacles that are preventing them from living their best lives. I collaborate with them to find effective solutions. By being intentional and working together, we overcome challenges and barriers that are holding them back. 

This leads me to ask you one question. What do you need to accept, work on or release that’s holding you back?

It Starts With You

Romantic relationship issues are often helpful to refer to as self-sabotage examples. 

Self-sabotage behavior in relationships is usually obvious to everyone except those inside the relationship. 

When it comes to relationship difficulties, it can be helpful to view them as opportunities for personal growth. By reframing interpersonal issues as instances of self-sabotage, we can work towards self-improvement while resolving conflicts.

I have a vivid memory of a time when I was taking calls from fans on a radio station in New York City. A young woman reached out to express her struggles in finding a compatible partner. 

When I asked her about the difficulties she encountered when looking for a suitable partner, she immediately placed blame on the men involved for her romantic setbacks.

• One was possessive.
• Another was too immature for her.
• The other one was emotionally unavailable.
• They were all desperate and developed strong feelings for her within weeks of dating. 

So I asked her, “What do all these ‘desperate men’ have in common?” 

Her answer was, “they’re all dysfunctional.”

My response was, “Wrong answer.”

I told her “What they actually had in common was you”.

This might sound harsh, but we’re often too close to our own issues to see our weaknesses. 

When nobody calls out on your self-sabotage, you feel comfortable continuing to do business as usual. The cycle never stops. Self-sabotage is a contagion you keep passing on to yourself in one endeavor after another. 

Unless you’re willing to accept and address it. 

Self-Sabotage Is Contagious

While only you have the power to admit the part you play in your self-sabotage, you likely have influences that make it difficult to take responsibility. 

Studies have shown that healthy familial relationships are crucial for one’s self-esteem and overall development. Even beyond adolescence, relationships with parents and guardians continue to impact self-esteem¹. 

If you find yourself engaging in self-sabotage, it may be related to the people in your life.

This isn’t an excuse to blame others. It’s an opportunity to be mindful of who and what you surround yourself with. 

If your parents, siblings, or friends, are constantly fighting with their partners or each other, it may be wise to distance yourself. This doesn’t mean cutting ties entirely, but rather leaving when things start to escalate or tension arises.

It’s also important to set boundaries and avoid getting involved in pointless arguments.

Your social interactions can greatly affect both your mental and physical health. Therefore, the quality of your social interactions plays a huge role in your decisions to care for yourself².

Ultimately, it’s up to you to change any self-sabotaging behaviors. Removing yourself from situations that exacerbate the issue can be a helpful step toward positive change.

How to Combat Self-Sabotage

While indulging in self-sabotage may seem normal for you and your loved ones, that doesn’t mean it’s ok. 

It means you need to look at yourself, those around you, and the habits you’ve adopted that contribute to self-sabotage. 

Interestingly, the internal saboteur is actually looking out for you by searching for potential threats to your well-being, both internally and externally. 

However, this can lead to unintended negative outcomes as the default mode rarely considers the bigger picture. 

With intention and practice, you can gain control over this self-sabotaging mechanism through self-awareness. Rest assured, you have the power to overcome this and achieve your desired goals.

So if you suspect you’re the problem, it’s time to take these steps.

Check In with Your Internal and External Influences

1. Take inventory of your environment and your internal dialog.

Let’s get started by grabbing a pen and paper to write down the areas of your life that are causing problems. 

Start with things that you can measure, like the number of unproductive conversations and confrontations with others. 

Ask yourself, how often do these occur? Is it weekly, monthly, or even just once a quarter? 

Even if it’s only happening a few times a year, that’s several times per year that your self-sabotaging habits are leading to struggle.

2. Look at your circle and other external influences.

External influences aren’t limited to your close relationships. The content you consume through your favorite tv shows, social media channels, and podcasts are all leaving an imprint in your mind. 

It’s possible that you may be surrounded by individuals who enable you and encourage your bad habits, rather than empower you. There’s a significant difference. Those who want to empower you will hold you accountable and point out what you need to work on. They will challenge you and encourage you to remain committed to your goals and vision for your life. 

Your real friends aren’t people who talk behind your back or those who only tell you what you want to hear to your face.

The last step is the most uncomfortable part of this process.

Face the Self-Sabotage Alone

3. Take time to be alone. 

Embarking on a self-evolution journey entails a deep sense of self-awareness. It takes an unwavering commitment and dedication to achieve the desired outcome.

This is an individual journey, and no one else can take it for you. To succeed in this endeavor, you have to do some deep introspection.

It can feel lonely at times. This often pushes some to return to their self-sabotage, back to the familiar. They seek comfort in familiar addictions such as problematic relationships, unhealthy substances, or toxic environments.

Commit to Self-Evolution

It’s a difficult process, but you have to go through it if you want to come out of the other end changed for the better.

As with most changes relating to self-evolution, acceptance is the first step to overcoming self-sabotage. 

Reframing your thoughts, living your ideal existence, and celebrating your achievements are vital stepping stones towards unlocking your full potential³.

If you want a different outcome, you have to change your daily habits and behaviors. 

From Struggling Self-Saboteur to ICF Master Certified Coach

Like you, I was once a perpetrator of self-sabotage. I won’t say I was a victim because I was the one doing it to myself. 

There was a season of my life dominated by intoxicating but unhealthy hedonistic relationships with other people and substances. 

I was looking for what I believed to be love in all the wrong places. 

Looking back, I now understand that I was trying to discover the best version of myself by relying on sex, people, a self-indulgent lifestyle, and material possessions. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was wasting time I’d never get back while watching meaningful moments go up in the smoke of a joint. This happened far too often. 

Finally, I took a look at my life and myself.

I realized I didn’t like who I had become. The reality did not match the image I had of myself.  

Once I accepted that I was my problem, I could see that I was also the only one who was able to become my solution. 

Now I help others who are struggling with self-sabotage become their own person. A person who participates in daily habits and interactions that promote their well-being and goals, rather than counteract them.

If you’re ready to show your self-sabotage the door, give me a call. My coaching for individuals is what you need if you’re looking for help establishing your goals, determining the next steps, and maintaining your progress.  

I’m here for you and I’ll give you the real talk you need. 

Individual Coaching | Balance Your Life

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.  

1. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/epdf/10.1080/02673843.1998.9747815?needAccess=true&role=button 
2. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8647624/ 

3. https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=4425410

Seize Life’s Opportunities and Maximize Your Potential

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

The easiest path to a missed opportunity is not recognizing when a setback or rejection is temporary. 

All of us have, at one point, held ourselves back. 

Sometimes the cause is the fear of getting started or continuing after experiencing a “failure”. Other times, we know we can do it, but we wonder if we should. Often this is the result of putting others before ourselves, even if those others are undeserving. 

I work with many individuals who have admirable goals, but no actionable plan. 

If you’re an entrepreneur, or you have plans to be one, you must prepare yourself to experience countless setbacks. 

You might only come up against two obstacles. 

You also might face fifty. 

Whatever the case you have to be prepared to push through anything. This is the time for you to be bold and ambitious. Your potential is limitless, and it’s time to start living the life you deserve. 

“You’re so much stronger than you think!” Dr. D Ivan Young, MCC.

I help my clients determine their “why” and whether their goals align with their values. From there, I hold them accountable and support them as they take steps toward their purpose. 

You might think you need more of this or less of that. 

But, what you truly need is to know yourself and work on developing more of the skills that will help you become your best self. 

First, you must be able to distinguish between actual failure and redirection.

How Do You Recognize if It’s Redirection or Rejection?

It’s difficult to recognize when you’re experiencing a valid rejection or failure and not a redirection or normal setback. 

Here are a couple of ways you can differentiate between the two.

1. How severe are the consequences of this recent event?

Did you make a minor mistake that will slightly delay your progress? Or is it a major blunder that has the potential to send your life completely off course?

You can come back from most mistakes and setbacks. 

2. Is your goal reasonable?

Countless people have defied insurmountable odds. And while I like to say anything is possible, some goals are outlandish, even delusional. 

If your main goal is to become a billionaire, you’ll experience a lot of disappointment. While you could achieve it someday, there are a lot of smaller milestones you’d have to hit first. 

Maybe your goal is to be a doctor. You must consider the investment that comes with a challenging career path. 

It’s a demanding goal, but it’s a reasonable one to work toward. 

Time and money are two primary considerations that accompany most goals. But I’m not saying you should count yourself out if you lack time or money. If you adopt that attitude of fear and doubt, your life can easily become one missed opportunity after another. 

So while your visions for your life may be ambitious, most setbacks can be overcome. And most so-called failures can lead you to better things. 

How Can You Avoid a Missed Opportunity?

A missed opportunity often results from believing that one or two setbacks equal a permanent rejection. 

The desire to avoid rejection is natural. Like every other human being, you engage in certain behaviors to decrease the likelihood of rejection in your relationships, career, and everyday interactions. 

The problem is you are your own harshest critic. We often make assumptions about how others feel about us and tend to underestimate our talents and skills. Most of us tend to assume we are less valued or valuable than we actually are¹. 

So if you haven’t developed resilience, you’re likely to view small mistakes and obstacles as impassable. 

Your ability to develop resilience can be influenced by several factors, such as the amount of control you have over a given situation².  Even if you’ve gone through a traumatic experience, you can learn to be resilient. 

A number of factors can contribute to strengthening your resilience, such as:

• Physical exercise: resilience is easier to develop when you engage in activities that improve your mood and self-esteem.
• Mindfulness: You’re more likely to think clearly if you’re able to get in touch with your emotions and gain awareness of your physical and mental state.
• Purpose: having a life purpose is unsurprisingly linked with greater happiness and higher resilience.
• Social support: It’s important to surround yourself with those who encourage you. Your closest friends should share similar values and have their own goals. Not everyone is meant to go with you to the next stage of your life. 

There will always be a missed opportunity. You’re human and you won’t always make the best decision. 

However, you can focus on building your resilience and try to recognize when you’re about to make the “safe” choice. And, you can learn to figure out what’s holding you back and face it head-on. 

From an ICF Master Certified Coach: Don’t Let Missed Opportunities Rule Your Life

In the last year, I made investments outside of my normal scope of business. And it wasn’t easy.

I was frustrated and even depressed at times. But I’ll carry the lessons I learned into the next project. I found out who was really there for me and who wasn’t. I had to let some people go, but I became much closer with those who supported me and stayed.

All this to say, I’ve been through tough times. But I took a calculated risk and didn’t let the experience turn into a missed opportunity. You’ve been through tough times, too, but you have what it takes to change your future. 

Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether to keep progressing or become stagnant. No matter how things look today, consider all the things you’ve overcome. 

That’s proof you have the power to keep moving forward.

You don’t have to let your life be one big missed opportunity.

Watch my TedTalk, “The Power of Presence: The Laws of Attraction ‘Here and Now’”, if you’re ready to move forward and stop accepting redirection and temporary setbacks as rejection. Encountering adversity has the power to determine your future. Make sure it changes it for the better. 

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.  

1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4734881/ 
2. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnbeh.2013.00010/full