Banish Crippling Self-Doubt and Embrace Healthy Self-Reflection to Succeed

Posted on December 7, 2023December 7, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

Even the most confident people in the world have experienced crippling self-doubt.

It’s normal to question yourself sometimes. However, underestimating your abilities can hinder your growth and progress.

Some self-doubt is healthy and can even serve as motivation to learn more and get better at what you do¹.

But what we’re talking about is crippling self-doubt, meaning self-doubt that’s all-consuming and more powerful than your desire to succeed.

Self-doubt is most appropriately defined as doubt about one’s self-competence². Self-competence is only one element of self-esteem, which is one’s overall view of oneself as a person.

Ideally, you have high self-esteem and a healthy amount of self-doubt. But this isn’t the case for a lot of us, especially at certain points in our lives.

As an ICF Master Certified Coach and National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, I see self-doubt as a common obstacle for many of my clients. So how do they overcome their crippling self-doubt and use it as fuel to improve?

I’ll be going over the strategies we use. But first, what level of self-doubt is helpful?

Healthy Self-Doubt vs. Crippling Self-Doubt

Self-doubt and related stress can be healthy in small doses. But at a certain point, constantly questioning yourself turns into crippling self-doubt.

Self-doubt can be harmful to self-esteem, especially if steps aren’t taken to manage it³. Low self-esteem and high levels of self-doubt often go hand-in-hand.

So how do you know when self-doubt is helping you and when it’s harming you?

If you question your abilities whenever you’re faced with a new challenge, this isn’t inherently bad.

You might need to brush up on your knowledge and skills to achieve your new goal. However, if you don’t trust yourself to do what needs to be done and decide to not even try, you likely have crippling self-doubt.

Here are some other signs your self-doubt might be detrimental to your health and success:

Your emotions get in the way of rational decision-making.
There’s plenty of evidence that you’re capable, but you tend to doubt yourself anyway.
You constantly feel the need to justify your actions to yourself and others.
Self-sabotage is a common theme in your life. You procrastinate, set impossible goals or standards, or avoid opportunities that could help you meet your goals⁴.

If you notice these consistently, working out where your crippling self-doubt comes from is a great place to start on your healing journey.

What Causes Self-Doubt?

There are many potential reasons behind your crippling self-doubt.

Feelings of low self-esteem and self-doubt can often stem from being repeatedly told or treated as if you’re inadequate. This is usually carried out by an influential figure in your life. It could be a parent, guardian, teacher, or any other authority figure.

Those who feel unaccepted, especially when it comes to emotional responses, are more likely to experience anxiety and self-doubt⁵.

Validation-seeking behavior occurs as a result and affects rational and objective decision-making.

It’s crucial to understand that others’ opinions don’t define your worth.

Your previous experiences with failure or success can also affect your mindset.

If you’ve failed in the past, it’s normal to doubt your ability to succeed. Self-doubt resulting from previous failures can be either healthy or unhealthy.

If you let your past experiences prevent you from taking calculated risks, you’re allowing self-doubt to take over your life. But, if you use self-doubt as a motivator, it can encourage you to reflect on your previous mistakes and strive to improve going forward.

Therefore, a little self-doubt can be a good thing, unless you let it control your life.

In order to reap the benefits of self-doubt, you must recognize that it’s hurting you and then work to change it. Once you do this, you’re engaging in more self-reflection and less self-doubt.

You have the power to overcome these negative beliefs and build a strong sense of self-confidence.

What Can You Do to Reduce Your Crippling Self-Doubt?

Engaging in self-reflection and healing your crippling self-doubt is necessary for you to succeed and find happiness.

First, to get a grip on your self-doubt, it’s important to learn to take emotion out of the equation. As much as possible.

When we’re subjective, we tend to project high expectations and pressure onto ourselves.

Be honest about where you are, mentally and physically, and what your situation is.

1. Write down your limitations and strengths.

Once again, try to be objective.

What have you accomplished? Where can you improve?

It’s ok and normal to have challenges or limitations. What’s not okay is refusing to accept them and the fact that you have to work around them.

Think about what you need to do to rise to the challenge.

2. Write down your vision for yourself.

Where do you want to be, and how will achieving this goal help you get there?

If it’s not going to contribute to your vision, it might not be the right choice.

3. Set realistic milestones for achieving your goal.

See what happens to your crippling self-doubt when you break your larger goal down into smaller, manageable goals.

It’s common to experience feelings of doubt when confronted with a grand goal that seems far in the future. But achieving such a goal is possible if you take incremental steps toward it.

By breaking it down, you can gain a sense of control and direction. This process can help to alleviate feelings of self-doubt.

4. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else.

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others, especially with the presence of social media.

But it’s important to remember that what works for others may not work for you.

Give yourself the time and space to figure out what works best for you. And give yourself grace along the way.

5. Continue to work on improving your self-esteem.

If you cultivate a loving relationship with yourself, you’ll still have self-doubt from time-to-time. But you won’t suffer from crippling self-doubt.

Having high self-esteem is important to your health and well-being. So don’t accept not liking or believing in yourself.

The Importance of Self-Reflection in Overcoming Crippling Self-Doubt

The opposite extreme of crippling self-doubt is arrogance. This can be harmful as well.

Embrace uncertainty and accept that there will always be something that needs improvement. Making mistakes is a part of learning and growing, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Questioning yourself doesn’t have to lead to crippling self-doubt. You can learn how to maintain a healthy level of self-doubt so you can move forward while still being aware of what needs to change.

If you’re feeling weighed down by crippling self-doubt and it’s affecting your career, relationships, or life in general, don’t suffer in silence.

Reach out to those who can truly empower you rather than enable you to stay stuck in a negative mindset. You deserve to live a fulfilling life. Taking the first step toward overcoming crippling self-doubt is a powerful way to start.

Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength and courage, not weakness.

I’d love to hear from you and help you reach your potential.

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

What to Do When You Feel like Quitting: Is Giving Up Really the Answer?

Posted on November 29, 2023November 29, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

You feel like quitting. You’ve been working hard, sacrificing time and energy, without achieving your desired result. You’ve given your business, or your career, your all. Yet it seems like your ultimate goals continue to elude you.

I more than most have experienced this many times in my life. But, there’s something I want you to know. You’re so much stronger than you think.

When you’ve been at it for so long, it’s natural to hit your breaking point eventually.

But the reality is that your success is right around the corner. Consistent, intentional effort over time truly is the key to success.

If you feel like the odds are against you or the universe is holding you back, you can eliminate that thought right now. That’s your fear and insecurity talking.

And they’re lying to you. It’s a fact that divine timing is playing a part in your success.

My former client was a quarterback in the NFL. He wasn’t the biggest dude by NFL standards, so he received criticism for his lack of tackling power.

He could have let this discourage him. He could’ve accepted that he didn’t have the natural physique or the speed required to play the sport well, but he didn’t.

Instead, he found other ways to take out his opponents. His level of intention was unrelenting; his work ethic left nothing on the table. With the finesse of a matador, he distracted them with his prowess and got into their heads.

So when your circumstances or natural talents aren’t helping you stay in the play, it’s up to you to dig deep.

Go all the way in, or don’t go in at all.

How I Help My Clients Go All In

When my clients express that they feel like quitting, I encourage them to reflect on a few key points.

Firstly, we work together to identify the root causes of their lack of confidence. Then, we address any self-imposed limitations that may be hindering their progress. Finally, we tap into their innate strengths and abilities to develop a plan of action that will help them move forward.

Throughout this process, I make it my mission to support and guide them so they’re empowered to achieve and exceed their goals.

When Should You Quit?

I don’t always encourage people to keep at it if they feel like quitting.

In fact, I never try to get my coaching clients to do one thing or the other. Instead, I partner with them to seek clarity and develop confidence to make the best decisions for themselves.

There are certain situations where quitting or adjusting your goals is better for you than continuing. Sometimes, it’s best to reassess or simply pivot.

These situations include when:

Your goals no longer support your values.
Your health, mental or physical, is suffering, and you need time.
Accomplishing your goals won’t help you stay true to your “why”.
The cost far exceeds the benefit.

Disengaging from a goal can be beneficial when you have other goals to prioritize or when it makes it easier to achieve your other goals. In either case, abandoning a specific goal can prevent a loss of purpose because you’re still working toward something important.¹

Sometimes quitting or redirecting your efforts is necessary to maintain your mental and emotional health and stay true to your core values.

But what do you do when you’re discouraged, yet you know deep down you shouldn’t quit?

When You Feel like Quitting, But You Really Don’t Want To

If your situation doesn’t fall into the above categories, pursuing your goals might still be a great move for you.

If you feel like quitting, but the thought of giving up your goals is devastating, it’s not time to throw in the towel.

When the pursuit of your goals isn’t going how you thought it would, try these strategies.

1. Write down what is working.

If certain habits and actions have been moving the needle even a bit, celebrate that.

Then, figure out if you can improve upon those habits and processes to speed up your progress. Odds are, not everything is going wrong. So, if you’re able to identify what’s working, improving upon those processes could be exactly what you need.

2. Revisit what you’ve already overcome.

You’ve had ups and downs. Odds are, you’ve already overcome a lot in your life.

Whether you’re struggling with a similar situation or you experienced success with something completely different, it’s essential to note that you’ve made it before.

If you’ve overcome similar challenges in the past, this is proof you can succeed again.

Reflecting on what you learned from past experiences can play a significant role in helping you attain your current goals. Not only can healthy self-reflection reinforce your self-efficacy, but it can also increase psychological resilience.

We tend to learn more from failing than from succeeding because when we succeed, we usually don’t analyze what went right². But when we fail, we often look for answers and try to learn how to do better next time.

However, if you pay attention to your successes and use them for motivation and troubleshooting, you’ll find there’s a lot to learn.

3. Surround yourself with the right people and inspiration.

Support and motivation can come from many different sources.

While pursuing your goals, it can be valuable to observe those who have already achieved similar goals. Every accomplished individual has encountered periods of adversity similar to those you’re experiencing.

This is a fact of which I’m living proof.

As a globally recognized life coach, I’ve experienced moments where I felt like quitting while uplifting and inspiring others not to. Although I maintained a cheerful demeanor externally, nobody, including my clients, knew how broken I felt internally.

But I kept going with the help of others, as well as some introspection.

So if you have an idol who’s accessible, don’t hesitate to talk to them and seek guidance and advice. You might be surprised to discover that many people can see qualities in you that you don’t see in yourself.

If your role model is a celebrity or someone you can’t get a hold of, read about their life. You’ll find that everything wasn’t always peaches and cream for them. They had a few rotten peaches and curdled cream along the way — just like you.

The other crucial step when you feel like quitting is to surround yourself with support.

This often looks like individuals who are pursuing similar goals and those who want to see you succeed, like friends and family. You can also seek an entrepreneurial community or lean on your professional network.

4. Give yourself space and time.

When you feel like quitting, you shouldn’t rush your decision. Making major choices like closing your business or giving up on your career aspirations is a process that you can’t take lightly.

Don’t give up just because you’re facing difficulties.

Divine timing doesn’t always match your own timeline, so it’s crucial to pause and reevaluate what you’re doing to achieve your goals. Be bold and remove any bad habits, people, or things that are hindering your progress and causing unnecessary distractions.

Remember, you have the power to take control of your life and make the necessary changes to achieve success.

You’ve probably heard, “when you feel like quitting, think about why you started”. This is always a good idea because it’s challenging to think clearly when you’re in the thick of it.

So take some time for introspection, get out in nature, and don’t forget to enjoy your favorite activities and the people in your life.

Sometimes you just need a break.

When You Feel like Quitting Because It’s Taking Up Too Much Time

It’s difficult to be patient and give yourself time to work something out. But you’ll be better off if you can develop a healthy relationship with time.

Studies have shown that having an open-ended future time perspective is related to higher subjective well-being³. Alternatively, those who have a limited view of the future are more focused on fast gratification and short-term well-being.

Creating quality takes time.

And it’s true, you don’t know how much time you have.

This is why it’s so important to make sure your goals still align with your values and ultimate purpose. Never lose sight of your “Why.”

If you’re working toward fulfilling your purpose, there’s no reason to rush it or feel like you’re wasting time.

At One Point, We All Feel Like Quitting

Life isn’t easy.

I wouldn’t have become an ICF Master Certified Coach, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and an expert in relationships and behavior if I had given up when I felt like it.

And trust me, there were a lot of times I felt like quitting.

The advice I gave to you in this article is what I did to get through it all. I know you’re capable of accomplishing your goals if you’re willing to put in the work. Remember this, “You are so much stronger than you think!”

If you’re ready to get unstuck and achieve the “unachievable,” book a call with me.

You may feel like quitting, but that doesn’t mean you should.

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

How to Heal from Betrayal and Protect Your Future Self

Posted on November 28, 2023November 28, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

It’s challenging to heal from betrayal, especially when someone close to you carries it out.

No one wants to go through it. But believe it or not, betrayal can be a good thing.

I can understand if you’re skeptical. You may be wondering, “How could betrayal ever be a positive thing?”

Well, let me explain.

In the short term, positioning yourself to heal from betrayal is never easy. But over time, you’ll start to see the benefits as you reflect on what the experience taught you about yourself and the person who betrayed you.

Whether it was a business partner who screwed you over, a significant other who cheated on you, or you betraying your own values, it’s important to learn from the experience.

As a relationship and behavioral expert, I’ve seen betrayal in all forms. I help my clients take accountability and identify areas of improvement.

Then we develop a plan to move forward and heal from betrayal on their own terms.

Healing from betrayal is a personal journey.

It’ll look different for everyone, depending on their unique situation. While the advice I provide in this article is a good starting point, my coaching process is tailored to each individual client to ensure the best possible outcome.

What Betrayal Can Teach You

If you’ve recently experienced betrayal, you might not want to hear about how betrayal can benefit you.

But sometimes it helps to put tough situations into perspective.

So if you need to heal from betrayal, consider these potential advantages.

It reveals:

Who people are.

Sometimes it takes a major event to see who someone is and what your relationship truly means to them.

Those who are really there for you and your relationship won’t betray you, even if they’re scared, frustrated, sick, or angry.

If you’re trying to heal from betrayal, let this comfort you:

It’s better to experience betrayal now than have someone sabotage, manipulate, or undermine you for months or even years of your future. It’s hard now, but you’ll save yourself a lot of future heartache and conflict, especially if your children are involved.

2. It helps you understand who you are and who you are not.

I’m not saying being betrayed was your fault. But you might be able to avoid betrayal in the future if you do your due diligence.

Did you ignore some red flags because you fear change or you were in a vulnerable place? Did you rush into a decision because you were eager to get to the end result?

Rushing into a business venture or a relationship is never a good idea.

Sometimes, we contribute to our situations and set ourselves up for exploitation.

While the betrayal may not be your fault, it’s essential to focus on self-improvement so you can look out for yourself and make better decisions. It’s easier to do when you work with a credentialed coach and surround yourself with like-minded individuals who share your core values, drive, and determination.

This will decrease the likelihood of having to heal from betrayal again, especially the same type of betrayal.

Odds are, once you discover you’ve been betrayed, you’ll start looking for reasons. And this effort to determine what went wrong can lead to even more negative emotions⁴.

Let’s look at a couple of factors that contribute to betrayal.

Why Betrayal Happens

Let me be clear — you’re not responsible for someone betraying your confidence. But by postponing or avoiding confrontation, you may have played a part in their actions.

I don’t want you to blame yourself. I simply want to shed light on how you can heal from betrayal and possibly avoid it in the future.

There are two things that usually contribute to betrayal.

Impatience.

Before you make critical decisions, I suggest you measure twice and cut once. Don’t ignore red flags.

We all want what we want when we want it. Unfortunately, our wishes aren’t usually granted according to our timeline.

Impatience is a form of betrayal because you’re likely:

Ignoring the role of divine timing.
Neglecting to do your due diligence.
Making decisions based on fear, insecurity, or desperation.
Compromising some of your core values or beliefs to speed up the process.

But if you take your time, acknowledge the role of divine timing, and stick to your core values, you’ll avoid setting yourself up to be taken advantage of.

Assumption.

Always aim for clarity; don’t assume you’re on the same page.

Assuming never works out well, whether you’re assuming everything will go perfectly or terribly.

It’s crucial to take the time to discuss and plan for potential scenarios in order to be better equipped to make solid decisions when conflicts arise.

When disagreements occur, it’s likely that everyone involved will revert to survival mode behavior. However, by proactively planning and strategizing, you can prevent this and ensure that everyone involved is on the same page.

You likely won’t need to heal from betrayal if you do what you can to set yourself up for success and happiness. There are no guarantees. You’ll still experience betrayal because none of us are perfect.

But you’ll be able to make decisions from a more secure place and increase your resilience.

How Do You Heal from Betrayal?

Besides practicing patience and not assuming anything, there are a few ways to help you move forward and heal from betrayal.

Be patient and kind to yourself.
Allow yourself to feel hurt, angry, and other negative emotions, but find someone who’s highly qualified to help you work through your feelings.
Distance yourself from the person who betrayed you.
Invest in yourself and your growth.

These steps are easier to talk about than carry out. When you’re trying to heal from betrayal, working with a qualified professional can help you process your situation, work through your emotions, and find yourself again.

How Long Does It Take To Heal from Betrayal?

As I said before, healing and grieving look different from one person to the next.

There are a few things you can do to aid you in your healing, but there’s no guarantee about the timing.

And if you’ve been through a traumatic experience, it might take longer. If this is the case, working with a therapist and a certified coach can be helpful.

Betrayal trauma can result when someone you depend on violates you in some way².

Betrayal trauma does exist and it can manifest in different ways including:

An inability to trust others – usually a result of high betrayal trauma from different forms of abuse¹.
Physical health complications such as chronic fatigue, headaches, and heart problems³.
Unhealthy behaviors due to low self-esteem caused by betrayal.

Healing can take time, especially if the betrayal was in the form of abuse.

Get Help to Heal from Betrayal

If you’ve been trying to heal from betrayal and you’re struggling mentally or physically, seek help. Don’t give betrayal total control of your health and happiness.

Book a call with me if you’re ready to start healing.

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

I won’t judge you, rush you, or assume I know what you’re going through. We’ll figure it all out together.

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

Grieving during the Holidays: How to Cope with Divorce, Separation, and Death

Posted on November 21, 2023November 21, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

If you’re wondering how you’re going to handle grieving during the holidays, you’re not alone.

Though friends and family may offer their sympathies, their words can sometimes add to the complexity of emotions you’re already feeling. This is especially true if you’ve recently gone through a breakup, or experienced the loss of a loved one.

It seems impossible to enjoy what’s supposed to be a happy time with loved ones.

As an ICF Master Certified Coach and National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, I strongly encourage my clients to acknowledge their feelings and make room for them.

It’s essential to understand that you can’t force yourself to feel happiness. You also can’t ignore your emotions.

I’m speaking from firsthand experience when I say that you can get through the holidays while dealing with grief.

Years ago, I buried my mother during the Thanksgiving Holiday. Though it felt like the worst season of my life, I survived it. I went through that nightmare alone and had little, if any, support from friends and what was left of my family.

Bottom line, if I can make it through that, I promise you that you will make it through what you’re experiencing right now.

Based on my professional expertise and personal experience, I’m confident in offering you some practical advice to help you navigate this challenging period of your life.

Grieving during the Holidays after a Breakup or Divorce

Grieving during the holidays due to a divorce, separation, or loss can be a challenging and distressing experience.

This is usually a time for families and friends to come together, but someone is missing this year.

The memories you’ve shared together are priceless, and it may seem impossible to celebrate the holidays without them. The thought of losing traditions you had with them can be unbearable.

The grief associated with these situations can result in overwhelming emotions that catch you off guard. Separation or divorce is never easy, even when you know it’s the best decision for you and your partner.

Grief can also cause:

A loss of hope.
Damage to your self-esteem.
Physical symptoms like low energy, loss of appetite, and lack of sleep¹.

These symptoms of grief don’t typically go well with being around a lot of people and having to celebrate.

However, depending on where you are in the grieving process, being around loved ones can provide comfort and support. It’s healthy to lean on your support system.

As you navigate through this situation, give yourself permission to experience the positive aspects of the present moment. To achieve this, you need to intentionally look for things that bring you joy during this phase of your life.

Grieving during the holidays is hard, even with the help of your loved ones. To help you cope during this difficult time, here are some tips to consider.

How to Manage Grieving during the Holidays after a Separation

Acceptance is one of the most important steps when it comes to grief.

Losing a partner isn’t easy, especially if you were true life partners.

So before you do anything else…

1. Empathize with yourself – accept that it’s not easy and that what you’re feeling is normal.

There’s no use in thinking you should feel a certain way or you should be further along in the grief process. It is what it is.

This won’t make your experience easier, and it definitely won’t help you avoid grieving during the holidays.

2. Write your feelings down.

If you got divorced or you’re in the process of a break-up, there’s likely a good reason for it.

Write down what you gained or will gain from your relationship ending. The advantages might be far in the future, but acknowledging that they exist can help in your healing process.

If your relationship was harming your well-being, it’s time to take a stand and prioritize yourself.

You can’t let other essential relationships or your work take a backseat because you made the decision to end a toxic relationship.

If you found yourself constantly dreading coming home, it’s clear that breaking up was the best decision.

Trust that everything is working for your good and that focusing on your own well-being will lead to positive changes in your life.

You deserve to be happy and healthy. It’s up to you to make it happen.

3. Communicate what you need.

It may be hard to tell others that you’re grieving during the holidays, but doing so can help to avoid confusion and unnecessary stressful conversations.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Be upfront and assertive with your loved ones about your needs. Don’t shy away from being brutally honest with them.

If you don’t feel like talking about what you’re going through, that’s your decision. But make sure you inform them beforehand so they don’t unintentionally ruin what should be a joyous occasion with their well-meaning but misguided efforts.

Many of these steps are similar to those you can take if you’re grieving during the holidays after a loss.

Grieving during the Holidays after the Death of a Loved One

If you’ve lost someone to death, grieving during the holidays is a profoundly personal experience.

Special occasions often come with a lot of psychological distress if you’ve lost a loved one, especially a spouse³.

While I can give you advice on how to make it easier, I recognize that these choices might not be the right steps for you depending on where you are in your healing.

Sometimes, it feels wrong to celebrate the holidays when you’ve lost someone. Other times, it can be therapeutic to spend time with friends and family, talk about the person you lost, and revisit pleasant memories.

Traditions, including spiritual or moral traditions, can offer a sense of normalcy if you’re grieving during the holidays².

But if you don’t want to celebrate and you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, it’s important to realize that this is normal. The next step is to acknowledge your emotions and take action to address them.

Get up, get dressed, and get out of the house. Take thirty minutes and go for a walk, take a bike ride, or simply sit on a bench at the park or by the beach to reduce your anxiety. When I lost my mother, these thirty-minute breaks helped me maintain my sanity.

Remember, taking these small steps can go a long way in helping you cope with your loss during this difficult time.

So if you can’t even think about celebrating right now, consider these options.

Managing the Holidays

Everyone reacts to grief differently.

If you’re grieving during the holidays and you just want to get through it, you can:

1. Avoid isolating yourself.

While having alone time to process your feelings is essential, grieving during the holidays can be especially devastating if you try to go through it alone.

It might feel wrong to attend a celebration with family and friends. If this is the case, try to make plans with one person or a few loved ones.

You don’t have to pretend you’re okay if you’re grieving during the holidays.

Surround yourself with those who understand.

2. Do something to honor your loved one.

While it might feel wrong to celebrate the holidays, celebrating their life might aid in your healing.

This can look like doing an activity that you used to do with your loved one. Or you may want to try something different but take some time to celebrate them and their life.

There are so many ways you can do this. You don’t have to celebrate the holidays like normal. Because for you, it’s not normal right now.

You may be overwhelmed with memories, especially memories related to holiday traditions with your loved one. So create some new traditions that feel right to you.

3. Focus on someone else.

If you’re grieving during the holidays, you likely don’t want to dwell on your loss.

It can help to support someone else, like a local charity or someone you know personally. Giving to someone else who’s going through something similar can also be a healing experience.

4. Find a support group.

Support groups can be particularly beneficial if you’re grieving the loss of a loved one⁴.

Whether you decide to share your own experience or only listen, it’s another way to process your feelings. It’s an opportunity to connect with others who understand what you’re going through.

5. Talk to a life coach or therapist if you’re grieving during the holidays.

An ICF-certified coach or clinician who specializes in grief can offer you more support and help you navigate your grief.

Grieving during the holidays can be particularly isolating, so you should have someone you can rely on and talk to without fear of judgment.

Grieving during the holidays will look different for everyone.

You might not want to face your well-meaning loved ones. But that doesn’t mean you have to go through this season alone.

If you need someone to help you get through this difficult time and heal, reach out.

I’m here for you.

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

How to Keep Going and Move from Hopeless to Full of Hope

Posted on November 13, 2023November 13, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

If you’re a seasoned adult, you’ve probably had times when you weren’t sure how to keep going. Maybe you’re going through it now.

As an adopted only child with deceased parents and few successful family members, when things go wrong, I have few people that I can call on for help.

Sometimes, the only hope I have is hope itself. But I always find a way. And trust me, you can too.

For most, it’s a struggle to stay focused because you feel like you’re out of fuel.

You might be unsure how to keep going when life is hard but rest assured, there are ways to make it easier for yourself.

When my clients are struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, we brainstorm and create a plan that involves curiosity, reflection, and action. You need all of these if you’re going to move through your current situation.

Before we discuss how to keep going when you want to give up, let’s look at what influences motivation.

Motivation and Discipline

Countless theories on motivation explain why we do what we do.

There are three different types of motivation¹:

Intrinsic motivation – fueled by a desire for internal contentment without expecting an external reward or outcome.
Extrinsic motivation – focused on achieving an external reward or avoiding an unfavorable external outcome.
Amotivation – A lack of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.

Motivation can come and go.

This is where discipline comes in.

The question is, how do you develop and maintain discipline if you’re struggling with motivation in the first place?

How to Keep Going When You Want to Quit

There are many building blocks for discipline. And what works for someone else might not be the answer for you.

Here are some effective strategies that can help you get started.

Determine your “why”.

If you’re making choices, forming habits, and engaging in activities without a purpose, that within itself might be why you’re lacking motivation.

Determining your why and your life purpose gives you direction. It gives you the confidence to decide how to keep going.

Draw on previous experiences.

Write down two to three examples of when you’ve overcome similar situations or something you didn’t think was possible.

You don’t need to have previous success in what you’re trying to do. Sometimes, it’s enough to know you have the ability to take whatever comes your way.

And you do – because you’ve done it before.

Find what keeps you grounded.

Whenever I’m struggling, I choose the spiritual channel in the form of meditation, prayer, and affirmations.

But your faith doesn’t have to relate to religion.

Turn to people who remind you of why you’re fighting. Find activities that inspire you in your other pursuits.

During the most challenging times of my life, I’ve had people come out of nowhere who offered me the support I desperately needed. They welcomed me without judgment and with a lot of empathy.

I strive to treat my clients the same way. When I’m at my worst, helping someone else take a step toward their best helps me work through.

Maybe that’s what it takes for you too when you don’t know how to keep going.

Chip away at your growth mindset.

A growth mindset is the belief that intelligence and other abilities can be improved upon and aren’t fixed.

While studies into the neuroscience behind growth mindset are relatively new, existing studies suggest that those with a growth mindset are more open to corrective feedback². And if you’re willing to take feedback, you’re strengthening your resilience and ability to work through setbacks.

It’s also been demonstrated that a growth mindset has a significant impact on motivation³.

It’s unsurprising that belief in yourself and your ability to adapt helps you maintain motivation and refocus after running into obstacles.

But what do you do if your lack of motivation is either caused by or affected by depression?

How to Keep Going Through Depression

General feelings of frustration, a lack of self-confidence, and even hopelessness are normal to experience when you’re struggling to make a new venture work or transitioning into a new stage of your life.

But depression is a different beast.

If you’re experiencing depression, you could greatly benefit from working with a certified coach and a therapist.

Seeking help to resolve trauma, identify blind spots, and heal is necessary if you’re feeling depressed or anxious.

And if your depression is the result of a major change in your life, time might not be the best thing to count on for healing. Figuring out how to keep going in life oftentimes requires additional support and empowerment beyond your immediate circle.

So if you feel like you’re ready to give up, don’t hesitate to ask for help.

My Experience with Hopelessness

Like many individuals, especially entrepreneurs or professionals in a demanding industry, when things are going well, my stress levels are minimal or non-existent.

I don’t have to think about how to keep going.

But when I’m challenged and my resources seem to be running out, my depression and stress rise exponentially. Even now, as an established professional, events in my personal life occasionally turn my world upside down.

In January 2021, I was diagnosed with the potential of cancer. A diagnosis of stage two cancer followed.

You can imagine what that felt like.

I felt violated, helpless, and as if the world was caving in on me.

It was a long road, but it taught me that circumstances outside of my control are meant to develop my character.

So if you’re feeling hopeless and have no idea how to keep going, ask yourself these questions:

Why now?
What is this teaching me?
Who is this calling me to be?

Answering these questions won’t solve all your problems. But they can help you gain some much-needed perspective and maybe even motivation.

How to Keep Going: You Can Do This

Hardship doesn’t discriminate.

I’ve learned to focus on what’s possible rather than what is, which helps me shift my circumstances. I draw from previous experiences, where my faith enabled me to overcome whatever came my way. I automatically default to visualization and prayer.

This might not be the answer for you.

You have to figure out how to keep going on your own terms.

There’s no straight answer for how to keep going when you feel hopeless, but the ideas in this article can give you a head start.

If you need further encouragement and advice, sign up for my email list and respond to the first email. Yes, it’s really me on the other end. I’m here for you and you can get through this.

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Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

How to Have a Healthy Romantic Relationship – Even with a Difficult Past

Posted on November 6, 2023November 8, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

What does a healthy romantic relationship look like?

The work required to form and maintain a healthy romantic relationship is not as easy – or quick –- as movies and TV shows make it seem.

Have you tried putting two random things together? You’re two people, with different experiences, beliefs, backgrounds, and personalities. You can’t expect cohesion right away.

It’s crucial to establish a solid foundation if you want a healthy, lasting relationship.

A healthy romantic relationship revolves around mutual respect, tolerance, and acceptance. You must commit to improving yourself. Then you can learn to work through challenges together.

Why Should You Take My Advice?

Over the last two decades, I’ve coached many couples in navigating their individual and collective issues.

There’s one constant I’ve noticed. Those who find success in love are the ones who are willing to humble themselves and put their egos aside. They invest their time and resources into the relationship.

Mature love is a difficult choice that must be made repeatedly, moment by moment, day in and day out.

As a Master Certified Coach and relationship expert, I’ve seen relationships built on infatuation and physical attraction fall apart as quickly as they begin. Physical attraction is essential for relationship health. But much more is required to form a healthy romantic relationship that lasts.

The definition of a healthy romantic relationship might vary slightly. But there are characteristics and skills that can help you measure your relationship competence.

But first, why are healthy romantic relationships, and relationships in general, so important?

The Importance of Healthy Relationships

It’s a fact that social relationships impact our physical and mental well-being.

Healthy social ties have been linked to more positive health behaviors. They also contribute to improved psychological well-being and better physical health¹. A lot of factors influence health and well-being, but relationships are particularly essential.

Healthy romantic relationship functioning has been linked to:

Healthier decision-making for both men and women².

Greater relationship satisfaction and a higher sense of security.

Emotional/mental well-being – including reduced depression and anxiety symptoms.

Good physical health and longevity³.

If you’re married or in a long-term committed partnership, relationship problems can undermine your health.

Poor relationship health can manifest in many different ways.

Stress that leads to physiological responses that grind down your body’s systems. Examples are high blood pressure and increased heart rate.

Attempts to reduce stress through unhealthy coping habits, like drinking or smoking.

Depression or anxiety from consistent conflict in the relationship.

The key is to form healthy romantic relationships and friendships. You shouldn’t avoid relationships completely.

So what’s the definition of a healthy romantic relationship?

Skills for a Healthy Romantic Relationship

You probably have an idea of what a healthy romantic relationship includes.

There are certain characteristics that stand out such as:

Trust.
Communication.
Support and respect.

A healthy romantic relationship can slightly differ from one couple to the next. However, these skills and traits are undeniably important for a healthy, happy relationship.

Let’s break these down.

Trust in a Healthy Romantic Relationship

You get to decide what your boundaries are, individually and collectively. This is why trust might look different for everyone.

Building a solid foundation with trust requires discussing your needs, values, and expectations.

Trust is often developed over time. It can be difficult to trust someone, especially if you’ve had damaging experiences.

It’s well-known that unhealthy relationships throughout childhood and adolescence, especially with primary caregivers, can impact one’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships⁴.

But it’s something you can work on if this is the case for you.

Some ways to develop trust in your relationship include:

Doing what you say you’ll do.
Being there for each other, especially during challenging times.
Resolving any trust and attachment issues by getting help from a qualified professional.
Keeping the lines of communication open.
Maintaining your commitments regardless of your feelings at a given moment in time.

Respectful communication is one of the most essential requirements for a healthy relationship.

Stable Communication

Communication in a healthy romantic relationship will differ depending on your communication styles.

However, there are the usual signs that communication between you and your partner is healthy.

Effective communication usually involves:

Listening to what the other person is saying and trying to understand.
Avoiding derogatory or harmful language or gestures.
Trying to work toward the best solution for both parties, instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong.
Expressing forgiveness and not holding grudges.
Practicing empathy and compassion toward your partner, during and after a disagreement.
Acknowledging your role in the disagreement.

And when you can’t agree, make it your mission to respect and honor your partner’s perspective.

If verbal or physical abuse are involved, you should seek help. These are not characteristics of a healthy relationship.

Respectful communication is one way of supporting your partner and strengthening your relationship.

Support and Respect in a Healthy Romantic Relationship

Trust and communication are two building blocks of support and mutual respect.

You’re setting your relationship up for success if:

You’re willing to listen to each other.
You show empathy even when you disagree.
You show up for each other.

You can show up in your relationship in many different ways to support and respect your partner.

Maybe you take on extra chores when your partner is going through a difficult time.

Or you check in with each other weekly about your goals, needs, and what you want to improve.

It can look like being intentional about spending quality time together every day.

Maintaining a healthy romantic relationship is hard work. It’s crucial to be honest with each other and work together if you want it to last. And you have to be clear on what you want before you expect someone else to give it to you.

Setting Healthy Romantic Relationship Expectations

What happens when your checked boxes result in empty containers?

If your laundry list of expectations is superficial, this is likely to happen.

So if one of your goals is to establish a healthy romantic relationship, there are a few things you should get clear on beforehand.

Values and beliefs.
Personal and professional aspirations.
Your ideal lifestyle.
Financial expectations and contributions to the relationship.

While these can change over time, they’re essential to keep in mind as you search for a life partner. Knowing your non-negotiables and goals can save you a lot of time, energy, and pain.

How I Can Help You Solidify Your Relationships as an ICF Master Certified Coach

As I work with clients in my practice, we explore five key areas to ensure you’re prepared to be a productive partner.

Personality type.
Family history.
Core and cultural values.
Validation systems.
Psychological triggers.

But this is only the beginning.

I usually discuss these details with my clients within the first 90 to 120 days of working together.

There are two reasons for this.

How can you address something you aren’t aware of?
When we address these details, I can make sure my opinions and preferences don’t lead the way.

Not addressing these things would be like going to the gym and only working on the parts of your body that you like. You must perfect things that you do well, but you also have to identify what needs your attention.

So if you’re struggling to form healthy relationships, book a call with me. Also reach out if you’re in a relationship and you need help strengthening your connection.

Contact Dr. D. Ivan Young

There’s no amount of dinners or romantic getaways that can solve your problems for you.

If you and your partner commit to the work, you have the potential for a healthy romantic relationship that withstands life’s many challenges.

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/epdf/10.1177/0022146510383501?src=getftr

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Shaina-Kumar/publication/313406102_Romantic_competence_healthy_relationship_functioning_and_well-being_in_emerging_adults_Romantic_competence/links/5c1bb500299bf12be38d2209/Romantic-competence-healthy-relationship-functioning-and-well-being-in-emerging-adults-Romantic-competence.pdf

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Kurt-Hahlweg/publication/46123953_Assisting_couples_to_develop_healthy_relationships_Effects_of_couples_relationship_education_on_cortisol/links/6050aa58299bf1736748ea2b/Assisting-couples-to-develop-healthy-relationships-Effects-of-couples-relationship-education-on-cortisol.pdf

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S014521342100301X

The Importance of Wisdom for Your Health, Happiness, and Success

Posted on October 23, 2023November 8, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

There’s no guaranteed key to success in life, but you can’t afford to ignore the importance of wisdom.

You’ve probably heard that “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.

I’ll revise that to say the road to hell is paved with no intentions.

When you reflect on the most notable events and relationships in your life, you may realize that the end results rarely match your original plan. While this isn’t always a bad thing, sometimes it can take you places you never intended to go.

Usually, your negative experiences are the result of not being intentional, solely relying on characteristics like your charm and your natural abilities, and not leading with wisdom.

What do I mean by wisdom?

Having wisdom means having the ability to make decisions that are beneficial in the long run, regardless of your feelings or self-serving interests. Wise decisions are rooted in a strong moral foundation.

Most mature people tend to do the right thing but for the wrong reasons. This is something that’ll affect your outcomes in life more than anything else.

When working with my clients, I help them identify and clarify their goals, as well as their “why”.

It can be easy to lose sight of the reasons for your goals, which can result in achieving them but feeling unfulfilled and lost. The other possibility is you won’t achieve your goals and you’ll feel discontented and hopeless.

Once you truly understand the importance of wisdom and strive to cultivate it, you’re more likely to see a connection between your goals and the end result.

What Does Wisdom Require?

You might think that wisdom and intelligence are interchangeable. While wisdom is associated with intelligence, there’s more to it than just being smart.

The definition of wisdom varies depending on who you ask. One survey involving thirty experts revealed a general consensus that wisdom and spirituality have more overlapping characteristics than wisdom and intelligence¹.

In this case, it’s important to differentiate between spirituality and religion.

Spirituality is more about building a system of values and principles based on traits such as compassion, humility, gratitude, and altruism, rather than adhering to a particular religious faith.

Experts and non-experts agree that wisdom requires basic intelligence, but spiritual qualities are absolutely essential. In my opinion, integrity is the foundation of these qualities.

Therefore, wisdom doesn’t rely solely on intelligence, but the ability to pursue, gain, and use knowledge to understand life and the people around us.

The way you lead your life is directly related to your level of wisdom.

Now that we’ve defined wisdom, let’s discuss the importance of wisdom in life. I know, it’s a big task.

The Importance of Wisdom in Life

Since wisdom can help us better understand life and how our actions contribute to our own life and the lives of others, it shouldn’t be surprising that wisdom is linked with better physical health³.

Wisdom can also have a huge impact on your mental health.

The importance of wisdom in life is observable in several different aspects of our lives. Let’s use the traits we discussed above.

When you utilize compassion and altruism in your life, you:

Connect more with others, leading to the formation of genuine relationships.
Make choices that benefit others and yourself, contributing to the betterment of your community.
Find fulfillment from serving others.
Learn to love others without it being at your expense.

And then there’s humility and gratitude, which lead to:

Relationships in which love and respect are reciprocated.
Building resilience to help you meet your personal and professional goals.
Determining what’s important to you.
Enjoying the process and not just the end result.

Wisdom ultimately contributes to your overall health and wellbeing by aiding your growth and development.

You must cultivate wisdom to become who you want to be for yourself, your relationships, and your success.

The Importance of Wisdom in Decision-Making

Certain choices might impact you more than anyone else, while other decisions have a ripple effect on several people in your life.

Making decisions is a complex process.

It’s essential to understand that when it comes to critical decisions, it’s unlikely that everyone will be satisfied. Not everyone is willing to embrace wisdom, especially those who are self-centered, immature, or foolish.

Such individuals may struggle to see the bigger picture, hindering them from appreciating the benefits of a wise decision.

Therefore, it’s crucial to be assertive and confident in your decision-making, even if it means not pleasing everyone around you.

When you’re faced with a decision, big or small, the outcome will likely be much better if you reflect on the importance of wisdom and figure out how you can apply it to your situation.

Accepting the importance of wisdom is crucial if you want to meet your goals and not lose sight of what’s important.

So when you have to make a decision, ask yourself: is this choice going to compromise what I believe and value? If the answer is yes, it’s time to go back to the drawing board. It’s ok to make adjustments.

Wisdom isn’t about never making the wrong decision.

It’s about learning from your mistakes and successes so you can make better decisions in the future that benefit you and your goals.

Will you still make mistakes?

Absolutely.

What Does it Look like When You Doubt the Importance of Wisdom?

When you ignore the importance of wisdom in your life, you’re not doing yourself or anyone else a favor.

If you don’t make a conscious effort to be wiser, you’re:

Leaving your success up to chance.
Risking your relationships.
Leading yourself to discontent.
Unlikely to determine your purpose in life.
Accepting mediocrity as a default outcome.

Success, love, happiness. These things all require learning from your mistakes and doing your best to become a better version of yourself.

Some examples of neglecting wisdom in your life could be wanting to have a baby, but overlooking your current financial situation. Or maybe your household is unstable.

This can be detrimental for your relationship and your child’s wellbeing.

This also applies if your “baby” is your idea for a business.

Maybe you want to get married, but you haven’t dealt with the emotional baggage or trauma from previous relationships and events in your life. It’s equally unwise to stay in a dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship just to maintain the status quo or for the sake of your children.

These decisions are often made from a place of fear or desire. And while life is short, and you should do what makes you happy, wisdom should have a place in your decision-making.

True wisdom demands courage.

You must be willing to let go of the familiar and embrace the unknown, which may hold greater possibilities for you.

So don’t doubt the importance of wisdom.

It can be what you need to turn your life around.

Advice from an ICF Master Certified Coach on How to Cultivate Wisdom

Expert psychologists formed a model on the development of wisdom based on prior research and theories.

The four factors that contribute to wisdom include²:

A sense of mastery.
Openness.
Reflectivity.
Emotion Regulation and Empathy.

While wisdom is typically associated with life experience, you don’t have to go through the same thing as someone else to be understanding. It’s also essential to note that wisdom can develop from positive experiences and not just negative events.

Emotion regulation and empathy fill in the gaps in experience and knowledge.

You can be wise without having a lot of life experience.

However, wisdom is often strengthened through mastery and experience. This leads me into my advice for recognizing the importance of wisdom in life and cultivating it.

Regularly practice self-reflection when you’re faced with difficult decisions.
Determine where your gut instinct is leading you and the motivation behind it.
Analyze how your actions and reactions will make you, and those involved, feel.
Think of the short term and long term implications of your decisions.
Make sure your choices align with your values and goals. They should also support your well-being.

If you can follow these steps, you’ll be well on your way to success and happiness.

The importance of wisdom is that it can improve your life, as well as the lives of those around you. You have everything you need within you, but you have to be intentional.

Sign up for my email list for more words of encouragement, practical advice, and life coaching tidbits.

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Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

Embrace the Power of Divine Timing in Your Plans for Happiness and Success

Posted on October 16, 2023November 8, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

The definition of divine timing is the belief that everything in your life happens at exactly the right time.

Is divine timing real?

Yes.

My decades on this planet have taught me that divine timing is far superior to any plan we could ever make for ourselves. I’ve seen divine timing work for myself and my clients.

Whether you’re religious or not, it’s working in your life. Your life path becomes much clearer once you stop trying to fight it. Think about it, when has trying to force things ever worked?

If you want to live a fulfilling life, you must learn to embrace divine timing.

I’ll be the first to admit that this concept may not always align with your itinerary. But trust that it’ll lead you to where you need to be.

So, factor it in, and watch as the highs become even more rewarding and the lows become more manageable.

The Belief in Divine Timing and Mental Health

You’ve heard of the power of positive thinking. It’s not just a woo-woo magical practice.

Empirical evidence supports this notion, with one study highlighting the correlation between well-being and belief¹. The study sought to explore the effects of religious beliefs concerning divine intervention. Nevertheless, a secular interpretation of divine timing can also positively impact your life.

The research findings indicate that belief fosters a greater sense of purpose and meaning in one’s life.

Another study provided some evidence that belief in divine control can serve as a buffer to stress among educated individuals².

Divine timing is one form of positive thinking, even though life isn’t always positive.

It’s believing that no matter what happens, there’s something you can learn. It’s accepting that everything in your life happened when it was meant to, making you who you are today.

While it’s difficult to prove the direct relationship between health and belief in divine timing, maintaining beliefs that support your purpose helps you stay motivated and leads to better outcomes.

If you’re willing to allow divine timing to play a role in your daily life, you’ll likely feel less pressure, more gratitude, and less stress about your future.

Divine Timing in Your Life

Believing in divine timing can help you stay focused on what you can and need to do to increase the likelihood of your desired results.

This applies to all aspects of your life.

Divine Timing in Relationships

You might have heard people say things like “I knew I was waiting for my soulmate”.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty, so it’s easy for people to say this after they’ve already met their dream partner. But what if you haven’t?

If your goal is to get married, find a long-term committed relationship, or have a family, it can be hard to accept the idea of divine timing. We often have our own timelines for life events like these.

But what happens when you don’t trust the process and try to rush into something to speed it up?

When you ignore divine timing in relationships, it usually looks something like:

A divorce since one of you isn’t ready or you aren’t good for each other, but you wanted to be married and have a family anyway.
A needless breakup because you tried to rush things along, even though it was going well.
Feeling lonely in a relationship.
Knowing you deserve better, but staying because you want everything to work out with someone who’s wrong for you.
Your children turning into the victims of your impatience.

If you let divine timing do its thing while focusing on your goals and dating with a purpose, you’re much more likely to find what you’re looking for. Your relationships will be better and more sustainable.

Divine Timing in Your Career

You want that big promotion or raise. You’ve worked for it, and your boss has acknowledged your work and potential. But someone else was promoted. You didn’t receive a raise this time.

Or maybe you’ve started your business. They say “Build it and they’ll come”, but nobody has. Your business is stagnating, and you’re worried you might have to throw in the towel.

Bottom line — you’re not where you want to be.

I get it.

I’m not saying to only rely on divine timing in your professional life, especially because you might need to find a different job and you might thrive under a different boss. But when you know you’re appreciated, and your work isn’t going unnoticed, ask for feedback.

If the answer is more of a “not yet” than a “no”, then you owe it to yourself to keep working and trust divine timing.

You might be wondering how I can relate to this.

Divine Timing and My Unsuccessful Business

When I wasn’t aware of the power of divine timing in decision-making, here’s what happened.

In my late 20s, I wanted to open up my own club. It started with a bang, and it ended up imploding.

Sometimes, we experience intangible inclinations that give us a sense of direction. These can be interpreted as a green light, indicating that things are going well and that we’re in alignment with divine timing.

When things don’t happen as expected, there may be indications that the time, situation, or person you’re associating with isn’t suitable for you.

Being out of sync with divine timing typically doesn’t result in catastrophic consequences.

Instead, it often shows up as persistent, subtle, and possibly challenging emotions that constantly bother you, signaling that something is wrong.

Looking back with a deeper understanding of divine timing, I realize that the timing wasn’t right for me to run a business.

But I’ve skillfully applied the lessons learned from that experience to my personal growth journey, which ultimately allowed me to establish my successful coaching practice. These insights have contributed to the prosperity of my personal life as well.

Divine Timing Manifestation

You can’t control divine timing. That would go against its definition.

But there are several things you can do to work with divine timing. And when you do this, your life will seem much easier.

Don’t get frustrated, get focused.

Write down your vision and what you need to do daily, weekly, and monthly to get there. Big things take time, so don’t expect overnight success.

Setbacks and redirections are not failures.

Sometimes what you want will take months, even years, to turn out how you want it to. Other times, it won’t turn out how you want it to, but there’s still something you’re meant to learn from the experience.

Don’t miss out on opportunities because you don’t respect the role of setbacks in divine timing.

Determine what it would look like if everything did go your way.

There’s nothing wrong with visualization and manifestation. In fact, these are important steps when you’re working with divine timing.

The goal isn’t to sit back and let divine timing do all of the work. You must work to attract what you want.

You must still develop good habits, keep your “why” front and center, and work for what you want. But accepting that your timeline isn’t entirely up to you can help you stay motivated when you’re up against delays and setbacks.

They’re happening for a reason.

Consider the costs to sustain your goals.

What does accomplishing your goal require? How much time, energy, and sacrifice do you have to put into it?

Sometimes, you don’t have all the boxes checked at one moment in time. This is when you must accept that divine timing is preventing you from draining your internal and external resources while giving you the opportunity to eliminate potential blind spots.

Ultimately, you must focus on what you want, work for it, and trust that it’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen.

Why is Divine Timing Important to Me, an ICF Master Certified Coach?

Sometimes we need to be reminded to slow down, appreciate what we have, and be excited about where we want to go without losing sight of where we are.

There’s no better reminder than divine timing.

As I said earlier, divine timing has played a huge role in my life. Through my personal relationships and professional goals, I’ve learned to trust in God and his timing for me.

I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t listened to what he was trying to tell me.

People that I thought would be in my life forever have walked out. I launched a business only to have to close it down. And I’ve battled health issues that have made me question everything I’ve ever known.

Whether you’re religious or not, surrendering to divine timing can help you get focused, find your gratitude, and accomplish your goals when they’re meant to be.

If you feel hopeless or lost and need advice and encouragement like this more often, sign up for my email list. I’m here for you and I want you to have what you need.

subscribepage.io/drdivanyoung

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

How to Forgive Yourself – Even When They Don’t Forgive You

Posted on October 4, 2023November 8, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

You never predict having to forgive yourself because someone else won’t — or can’t — forgive you.

Ideally, your relationships end after you share a long, fruitful life together. But with many relationships, this isn’t the case. Relationships ending is a normal part of life, yet it can mess you up, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

But if you can learn to forgive yourself, it doesn’t have to keep you down for long.

All of us have made decisions that seemed right at the time but weren’t good choices in retrospect.

Maybe you:

Were trying to protect yourself from being hurt
Feel like you need to forgive yourself for what you did in survival mode. Those times when you felt desperate and like you didn’t have any other choice.
Need to forgive yourself for not knowing better.

It’s imperative to remember that we’re not always in control of what happens around us.

No matter what you need to be forgiven for, forgiving yourself is more than a step toward healing. It’s protecting your well-being.

It can lead you to become a better version of yourself — if you’re willing to forgive yourself first before expecting anyone else to offer you forgiveness.

When my clients are struggling to forgive themselves, I help them move forward through a process of self-acceptance, self-examination, and reconciliation. This deeply introspective process isn’t fun or easy, but the payoff is worth it.

As an expert on behavior and relationships, I can tell you one thing is certain.

You can find peace, even when you can’t get forgiveness from others.

Forgive Yourself for past Mistakes

You must begin the process of self-acceptance before you can expect anyone else to embrace you for who you genuinely are, flaws and all.

To move forward and benefit from your mistakes, you have to view self-forgiveness as a process.

It requires not only admitting you made a mistake, but also figuring out what within you caused you to stray from your idea of what’s right¹.

Then, you have to be willing to make changes based on what your introspection reveals.

Saying “sorry” may come easily, but it doesn’t necessarily signify genuine remorse or a willingness to make essential changes. Likewise, admitting to a mistake doesn’t always equate to fully forgiving yourself or others.

In either scenario, such attitudes can hinder progress toward making positive and often necessary changes that could significantly enhance your life.

While the definition of self-forgiveness can vary, the general consensus by researchers is that it consists of self-acceptance, accountability, and an effort to change².

The hard part is, that sometimes the changes you make won’t restore your relationship with someone you hurt. When this is the case, the changes are for your benefit, as well as the benefit of your future relationships.

In many situations, you have to forgive yourself first.

The other person might not forgive you, but that’s not within your control.

Forgive Yourself for Not Knowing Better

Relationships don’t usually end because of one event or mistake. It’s often an accumulation of differences in your personalities, goals, lifestyles, and treatment of each other.

In these scenarios, it can be hard to know where it all went wrong.

And you might not know what to forgive yourself for. Even if you didn’t clearly betray or hurt someone, you can still learn valuable lessons about yourself and how you show up in your relationships.

We all play a part in the highs and lows of our connections with others.

So use this time to figure out what you want and need, as well as what you can do to improve yourself as a person and partner.

Forgive yourself for not knowing exactly what your past partners needed and for making some mistakes. Because everyone has been there and you’ll probably be there again.

Whether you’re currently going through a breakup or you’ve been single for a while and you’re on a journey of self-forgiveness, remember that your past mistakes don’t define you. Your future relationships, both romantic and platonic, don’t have to end the same way.

Let’s talk about how you can begin to forgive yourself no matter what your situation is.

How to Forgive Yourself

If you’re struggling to forgive yourself after your relationship has ended, there’s no magic cure.

But there are a few steps you can take to begin the process of self-forgiveness and find closure.

Celebrate what you’ve had.

This doesn’t apply to abusive or manipulative relationships. If you’ve experienced something like that, it’s best to seek help from a certified coach and therapist.

When there’s trauma involved, it’s a different process. You may have to give yourself more time.

You may feel like you need to forgive yourself for letting yourself get involved with that person, but you’re not the bad guy in this scenario. Try to move forward, with the help of loved ones and qualified professionals, so you can learn what you want and need in a relationship.

However, in other scenarios, take some time to appreciate your relationship.

Find peace in the great memories you have and the lessons you’ve learned. Every relationship can bring value to your life, even after it ends.

Understand that who you were then doesn’t have to be who you are going forward.

This applies whether you made a series of small mistakes or one big mistake.

If you received some feedback, even if it was communicated in a hurtful way, try to assess its validity. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t take whatever someone says when they’re hurt at face value, but consider where they’re coming from and if you can learn something about yourself.

You don’t need to place blame on yourself or anyone else.

In order to forgive yourself you have to stop the blame and shame game so you can view yourself and your situation more clearly.

Identify what you want and need in future relationships.

This includes what you need from someone else and what you need to cultivate within yourself.

How do you want to show up? What are the non-negotiable qualities and values you’re looking for? This applies to future friendships, romantic partners, and familial relationships?

Writing it down can help you get a clearer view of your desires and needs.

When You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong but Still Need to Forgive Yourself

Some relationships, no matter what they bring to the table, take so much more from the room. You’re better off alone than in a relationship like this.

When someone chooses to let you go or you choose to let them go, the grieving process can still involve guilt. Sometimes there’s nothing you need to forgive yourself for, but it feels like there is.

There are times you didn’t do anything wrong and you’re a victim of your environment, but you can’t forgive yourself. This is usually because you, or others, have led you to believe that what happened is your fault.

The steps above still apply even if you have nothing to forgive yourself for.

Forgiving yourself for mistakes, both minor and major, lends to greater resilience³. In other words, you can prepare yourself for handling future missteps by learning to forgive yourself. Ideally, before you destroy your self-confidence and impede your own judgment.

Self-Forgiveness from the View of an ICF Master Certified Coach

I’ve had to make the difficult decision to end a relationship many times.

I’ve realized that when it’s not a matter of right or wrong, it can be tempting to blame yourself when relationships don’t end the way you want them to end. But each relationship has taught me something about myself and my values.

I’ve had to forgive myself for the role I played in these expired relationships. And this process has set me free.

I encourage you to forgive yourself. Only then can you improve yourself and your relationships.

If you need more encouragement, empowerment, and guidance, sign up for my email list. I can give you more support there.

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Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

Heal Your Soul: How to Rediscover Yourself after a Breakup

Posted on September 25, 2023September 25, 2023 by Dr. D Ivan Young

by Dr. D Ivan Young, ICF Master Certified Coach

The path to heal your soul is not a linear, clear journey. Breaking up brings on a flurry of emotions.

Being single again is a stark contrast to the happiness you once felt when your connection to another was intact. The stability and comfort you felt in your long-term relationship are now gone.

Your relationship has come to an end and you can no longer rely on that person and what they gave you.

It’s normal to feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself.

It may be tempting to indulge in self-pity, anger, or compare yourself to others. However, dwelling on where you think you could or should be won’t help heal your soul.

As a professional who helps clients cope with loss, I prioritize their individual circumstances, and so should you. I encourage my clients not to play the blame game. Instead we focus on how each party contributed to the relationship’s end, from a non-judgemental viewpoint, and figure out how to move forward. Each party’s emotions, situation, process, and grief are unique to them.

That’s why I avoid using templates in my coaching business.

So if you’re dealing with loss and wondering if you’ll ever be able to heal your soul, keep reading.

Can You Heal Your Soul after Loss?

A breakup can be catastrophic to your sense of self and your life as a whole.

In many close relationships, there’s a cognitive shift in the way individuals view their sense of self. Their thoughts and decisions are based on the collective unit, instead of the individual¹.

So it’s confusing when you’re on your own after someone was a huge consideration or contributor to every decision you made.

My advice for how to heal your soul after a breakup is this. Accept and acknowledge whatever you’re feeling and take responsibility for your contribution to it. You might feel like you shouldn’t be feeling a certain way. But you are feeling it and it’s okay.

You might even feel relief. There’s no right way to feel since the grieving process will look different for everyone².

It’s easier to put the scales back on a fileted fish than it is to recover from a broken relationship. But you can heal your soul if you start by accepting your feelings and your process.

Acceptance of loss usually follows a downpour of emotions such as anger, remorse, denial, and of course, sadness³. The type of acceptance I’m talking about goes far beyond simply realizing things won’t go back to the way they were.

Acceptance means you move forward with the intention to heal your soul and use what you’ve been given to become a wiser, better version of yourself.

You might not feel like you can ever be whole again.

But healing doesn’t require eliminating or forgetting loss. You just have to be willing to adjust to your new reality and find a way forward.

How to Heal Your Soul – The Simplified Version

It’s completely normal to feel like you don’t know who you are after a breakup.

When someone has become a part of your core identity, it won’t feel good when they leave. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you’ve reached the point of acceptance, you can start to see that this isn’t a season of loss.

It’s a season of opportunity. And it begins with intentional introspection.

Disruption is the birthing stool for transformation. What you’re going through is offering you a chance to reexamine your vision for your life. This is the time to heal your soul, but it’s also about creating a better future for yourself.

So before you take action and make other huge choices with the potential to change your life, get clear on your vision by grabbing a pen and paper.

1. Write down where you are.

This is where you need to once again address your feelings about your breakup specifically, but also about your life.

Where are you in relation to your original goals for your life? Is your work aligned with your values? Are there other relationships that are preventing you from moving forward?

Zoom out, then zoom in on your habits and behaviors.

If you doubt the impact of writing your feelings down, studies have confirmed its beneficial effects on mood, physical well-being, and social functioning after a breakup⁴.

2. Write down who and where you want to be in the next six to twelve months.

Once you’ve identified what’s going on and what you want to change, you can figure out who you want to be.

You’re not going to heal your soul by staying the same. You’re meant to grow and evolve.

Sometimes you can’t see beyond the relationship you’re in and how it impacts your goals and vision for yourself.

Can you see who you want to be? If so, it’s time to take action.

Take Action

You can’t heal your soul without actively working to better yourself.

I’m not saying you did or didn’t do anything wrong in your relationship. Whatever the case, growing and becoming better versions of ourselves should always be the goal.

The loss just presents an opportunity to do that.

To become who you want and need to be, you have to do what you’ve never done and go where you’ve never gone. You have to redefine certain aspects of your life.

After all, you can’t heal your soul if you’re stuck in the past.

It can help to make small changes like:

Improving your daily routine.
Forming healthier habits.
Elevating your spiritual awareness.
Finding one thing to be grateful for each day.

Or major changes like:

Moving to a different location.
Ending other relationships that might be toxic or harmful.
Leveling up your skillset by taking classes or getting a certification in something you have a passion for.
Broadening your horizons by joining a new community or seeking out a different job.

But don’t make these big changes without a plan. Making decisions on a whim won’t help heal your soul. It’ll only confuse you and get you lost. Pinpoint your “why” first.

Whether you choose to take small steps or big steps, the only way to truly heal your soul is to deliberately reposition yourself for happiness and success.

You have to take action if you want something to happen.

What Are Healthy Habits for Healing?

While I emphasize that your healing journey will be different from anyone else’s journey, there are certain harmful behaviors and habits everyone should avoid.

These include:

Turning to drugs and alcohol.
Withdrawing from healthy relationships.
Making drastic changes without a plan.
Jumping into a new relationship.
Avoiding professional counseling or coaching.

None of these will help you heal your soul.

If you don’t take care of your mental and physical health, why would your soul fare any better?

Consider engaging in these activities:

Maintain your other relationships.
Continue hobbies you enjoy.
Try proven methods for improving your mental health and reducing stress – meditation and journaling are two great strategies for this.

Committing to your health will help you heal your soul a lot quicker than hiding and letting denial and despair rule your every move.

Need Help to Heal Your Soul? Consult an ICF Master Certified Coach

As you can see, there’s no quick and easy answer to “How do you heal your soul?”

What works for one person might not work for you. But following these steps helps you build the foundation for healing.

If you feel like you’ve tried everything, but you still aren’t where you want to be, book a free consultation with me. I’ll work with you to determine whether the changes you’re making are the ones that’ll help you further your efforts or keep you stuck.

https://drdivanyoung.com/contact-dr-d-ivan-young/

You can’t rely on others to heal your soul. It’s time to take responsibility for your life and what you do with it.

Bio – Dr. D Ivan Young is an expert on human behavior and relationships. He’s a Master Credentialed expert on personality type, an ICF credentialed Master Certified Coach, a Certified Professional Diversity Coach, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. Dr. Young is also a member of the prestigious Forbes Coaches Council.

4. https://www.academia.edu/download/35848913/Lepore_P_H_2002.pdf